There is within all of us a strong desire to be right. And there is also an equally strong belief that others are wrong. The drive to be right will cause us to show up other people or put them in their place.

As communication or dialogue breaks down we no longer trust other people and their motives. We tend to judge ourselves by our motives and others by their behavior. The more I can downgrade the other person with criticism the more it helps to upgrade myself. I can justify my feelings and thoughts as right and theirs as wrong.

It is strange that the drive to be ‘right’ is so strong that people are willing to destroy marriages, loose jobs, or break up churches just to prove their case. The compulsion to sacrifice others to validate our own egos is almost frightening. It is amazing how people plot against others, persecute others, misrepresent others, or simply gossip about them.

If I no longer trust or respect you, it causes me to be very careful in what I say to you . . . or I might not say anything at all. When this happens our relationship begins to die. Silence or the treating someone as a non-person will destroy any type of bond.

The corresponding action of the other party is to become, apathetic or cynical. They could also respond with envy, competitiveness, or hostility. Both parties then begin to feel the impending death of the relationship.

The destruction of a relationship will occur unless one individual becomes courageous enough to address issues truthfully. Speaking truth is sometimes dangerous. You could be attacked, criticized, ignored, misrepresented, or made fun of. On the other hand, truth spoken gracefully can restore, heal, and renew relationships.

There is something very liberating about speaking the truth. It releases pent up emotions, it is invigorating, and we gain back our self-respect for not sharing what we believed about the relationship.

There is never a duel with the truth. The truth always wins, and we are not afraid of it. The truth is no coward. The truth does not need the law. The truth does not need the forces of government. The truth is imperishable, eternal, and immortal and needs no human agency to support it. --Dudley Field Malone

Truth is tough. It will not break, like a bubble, at a touch, nay, you may kick it about all day like a football, and it will be round and full at evening. --Oliver Wendell Holmes

The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is. -Winston Churchill

You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. -John 9:32

When we take the initiative to speak the truth, in love, we then experience an inner PEACE. We can be at harmony with ourselves, others, and with God. A truthful and honest person becomes more and more THANKFUL for everything in life. It also helps them to become more ACCEPTING of others and difficult situations in life. The end result is an amazing flow of HAPPINESS with life in general.

So, where are you in this process?  Do you think that your problems are the result of gender differences?  Or that maybe your difficulties are the consequence of your social style or the different social style of others?  

Have you been thinking that you’re right and others are wrong?  Are you willing to destroy relationships to justify your actions and beliefs?  Have you been experiencing a loss of trust in someone that has developed into a lack of respect for them?  Has a root of bitterness sprung up and produced the fruit of hatred?

Have you been filled with anger and fear which produce depression and anxiety?  How long do you want it to continue?  Do you want to carry a broken relationship with you to the grave?  Are you tired of all the negative feelings you have been holding inside?  Is it time for you to deal honestly with truth?

It has been said that people only change when they hurt enough to change. Have you come to that point in life?  Then take the courage to stick your neck out. Take the initiative. Stop waiting for others to solve your dilemmas. You will feel better about yourself, and you might even turn danger into opportunity.     

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.  -Eleanor Roosevelt

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

The wall of silence between Cory and Megan had been growing for months. No longer did they have fiery outbursts or heated arguments. Those had stopped weeks ago. Now, there was only the growing chill of indifference.

Cory no longer said goodbye. He just quietly headed for the door and went to work. Megan knew he was walking out but pretended not to notice. Both of them felt hurt and angry at the other. Cory thought, “All I am is a paycheck. She doesn’t appreciate how hard I work.”  Megan would choke back the tears and think, “He doesn’t even know I exist. He hasn’t talked to me for days. How can I live with someone who doesn’t love me.”

Cory and Megan were experiencing a crisis in their communication. This crisis did not arise because of gender differences. It didn’t even occur because they had different social styles. It came about because they are part of the human race. There are emotional forces within all of us that complicate honest dialogue with others.

Communication or dialogue can be either positive or negative. There are, as John F. Kennedy suggested, events that could be considered dangerous and bring disaster. But within those same events there is also an opportunity for change, growth, and security.

It has been said, “that a problem well stated is a problem half solved.”  Let’s for a moment look at the forces that cause a communication crisis. In the case of Cory and Megan, there were a series of events that brought about the silence in their relationship.

It doesn’t matter as much what the individual event was . . . as much as what surrounded the event and the behaviors that the event triggered. The event could be:

- Forgetting to do something for the other person.
- Speaking a harsh word.
- Being late for dinner.
- Not mowing the lawn.
- Spending too much money.
- Not disciplining the children.
- Fill in your own event ___________________.

Surrounding the actual event are thoughts. They could include part or all of the following:

- BELIEFS—They could be rational or irrational
- ASSUMPTIONS—They could be reasonable or unreasonable
- NEEDS—They could be valid or invalid
- ATTITUDES—They could be good (positive) or bad (negative)
- EXPECTATIONS—They could be logical or illogical
- DEMANDS—They could be fair or unfair
- PERCEPTIONS—They could be accurate or inaccurate
 
Our thoughts about events (good or bad) cause us to begin to act in behaviors that are dangerous to good communication health. Or those thoughts could cause us to grow and establish healthy dialogue.

When we respond in a negative way, the feeling of HURT emerges. It is followed by DISAPPOINTMENT. That disappointment can give rise to ANGER or FEAR. Out of our Anger grows FRUSTRATION, RESENTMENT, and DEPRESSION. Out of our fear grows, CONCERN, WORRY, and ANXIETY.

When I become angry with you or fearful of you it gives rise to a LACK OF TRUST. If I can’t trust you, I then begin to LOOSE RESPECT for you. Once I loose respect for you, I begin to RESENT you. Resentment can then grow into BITTERNESS and it can even develop into HATRED. If Cory and Megan repeat the process over and over again it can develop into a habit or life style.

Take a look at the chart on the following page. It demonstrates the influence of thinking on emotions. Notice the many factors that play into events and help form our perception of an event. The result is our emotions that surface as a result of our perceptions.



-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

Regardless of which social style you are or which social style you are communicating with, you should improve your listening skills. Active listening means you are actively trying to understand what the other person is attempting to communicate. It means you are an active part of the process. When the other person truly feels heard, you know you have engaged in active listening. If you want to be an active listener, you need to practice these skills:  

1. Play Back What You Heard Them Say to You: Be sure that you are both on the same page and understanding the issue at hand. This will let the person know that you are interested in approaching the topic of their concern. It will also help you to clarify in your own mind the focus of the discussion.

2. Endeavor to Ask Open-Ended Questions:    
“How do you think the issues should be handled?”
“Is there an issue that you think we need to discuss now?”
“What can I do to help resolve this problem?”
“What type of information can I help to supply you with?”
“Could you share with me your thinking about this subject?”

3. Ask for Clarification: If you think the person has shared something that is incorrect or inaccurate, you need to clarify. Try not to challenge their statement in a threatening or sarcastic manner. Attempt to speak with an impartial tone of voice.

Clarify Critical Issues — A Dozen Questions

    1. What do you want from me?
    2. How would you like to see things change?
    3. What are your needs or desires?
    4. How do you see me contributing?
    5. What are your expectations?
    6. How can I help in this matter?
    7. What would you like to see done?
    8. How would you like to see the future look?
    9. What would you like me to do differently?
    10. Is there a way I could change to help the situation?
    11. What advise would you give me?
    12. What can I do to make an amends?

4. Make Statements rather than Asking
Questions: If the conversation becomes stressful, attempt to make more statements than asking questions. Under a tense situation questions can come across like Heat-Seeking Missiles attempting to pinpoint blame:

“Who gave you permission to go through my things?”

—Or Better—

 “It looks like you have gone through my personal mail.”

5. Maintain Eye Contact: This will send the message that you want the person to keep talking or explaining their thoughts. This will help encourage the speaker to open up and hopefully be honest with you. People usually do not trust and are suspicious of those who do not look at them when communicating.

6. Listen with your body:  It is helpful to nod your head at appropriate comments. It conveys that you understand. Try not to cross your arms or legs and lean back. Putting you hands behind your head can come across as being smug. Lean slightly forward as a sign of interest.


7. Use encouraging words: Certain phrases help to create a more open communication.
“No kidding.”
“How interesting.”
“I’m happy to hear that.”
“Good!”
“Great!”
“I see.”
“I understand.”
“This sounds exciting. Tell me more.”
“I’d be interested to hear what you have to say about this.”
“Could you share your point of view with me.”

8. Try to stay away from Loaded Questions:  A “why” question has the tendency to sound accusatory. It can make people defensive.

“Why do you feel so angry?”  

—Or Better—

“Tell me about your feelings over this matter.”

9. Don’t be afraid of silence:  There may be times when there seems to be an awkward silence in the conversation. Many people think that they must fill this void by saying something. Resist that urge. The silence gives the other person time to gather their thoughts or come up with new information. If the listener speaks too soon they may miss a very important bit of information.

10. Control Your Internal and External Responses: Don’t get defensive if someone is communicating a frustration with you that involves you or your behavior. Don’t tell yourself that you are being attacked. Instead, listen objectively and don’t try to solve the problem while you are listening—just make the person feel heard.

11. Actually Listen: Silence your mind and your thoughts and concentrate on what is being said. Don’t formulate your response while the person is talking to you. Try to resist interrupting or interjecting and don’t finish the sentences of others.

12.  Make Notes of the Discussion: This will often cause the speaker to open up. This technique helps you to (1) remember key facts, (2) it carries the message that you are interested, and (3) it gives you something to do during awkward silences that sometimes occur.

If you want to improve your listening skills, you need to invest some time in the process (see the dedicated chapter on listening skills). It’s like any other skill you develop in life: when you practice it often enough and do it well, you master it. Make a commitment today to become a better listener and then people won’t have to keep asking you, “Can you hear me now!?”

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

- It can provide you with the facts and information you may need.
- It lets the other person know that that you are interested and concerned about what they are saying.
- It allows you time to decide if the person you are talking with comes from the mindset of an Analytical, Amiable, Driver, or Expressive.
- It gives agitated and angry people an opportunity to vent their feelings and feel like they have been heard.
- It exposes errors in facts or misunderstandings that need to be corrected or restated with greater clarity.
- It offers a polite respect to overbearing or hostile people. They may come across with anger but you do not need to respond in the same way.
- It puts you in a position to more accurately make wise decisions and respond to the speaker with the proper words, tone, and non-verbal behavior
- It allows you the time to determine the assumptions, perceptions,  needs, expectations, attitude, and demands of the speaker. Abraham Maslow suggested a seven step evaluation of the driving  motivation behind human behavior and actions.

1. PSYSIOLOGICAL NEEDS—Like food, drink, shelter, sex, sleep, or recovery from injury or illness.

2. SAFETY NEEDS—Like protection from violence or chaos, sense of order or stability, absence of fear or anxiety, or sense of order in daily routine.

3. BELONGING AND LOVE NEEDS—Like interactions with spouse or mate, support from others during stressful times, harmonious family relationships, sense of belonging to a group, or close friendships.

4. ESTEEM NEEDS—Like respect from peers, sense of mastery or proficiency in work or daily routine, or reputation or eminence in a particular field.

5. SELF-ACTUALIZATION NEEDS—Like a sense of self-fulfillment or of using one’s capacities to their fullest.

6. KNOWLEDGE / UNDERSTANDING NEEDS—Like the cultivation of deep wisdom or understanding in a particular field or the development of a new system for explaining the world around us.

7. AESTHETIC NEEDS—Like the pursuit of beauty or the development of a satisfying artistic and creative approach.

It will be helpful if you can listen beyond words and hear the other person’s needs.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

Listening to others is not always an easy task. Not only do we need to attend to their words, tone of voice, and non-verbal behavior . . . but we have to be aware of what is happening in our own minds. We might not fully understand what others are trying to convey to us because:

- We may be in disagreement with what the other person is suggesting. They might be saying something that would cause us to become defensive. They could be selfprotective with what we are saying.

- We may have a strong urge to talk. They may be wrong or misguided and we want to set the record straight. They could be talking so much that you can’t get a word in edge wise.

- There may be the dumping too many facts and details so that we or they  become bogged down with information overload.

- They may be putting on pressure to make some type of decision or answer a difficult question that we are not emotionally ready to make. Or we could be demanding something from them causing the same result.

- We may be under the pressure of some type of deadline in our lives and the timing for the discussion is not good for us or for them.

- We may be physically or mentally fatigued and unable to listen or deal with the issue at hand. They might be too tired to process our conversation.

- They might be talking to us with a negative attitude. Or we might have negative attitude toward them.

- The conversation could end up in bedlam with both parties Interrupting each other and no one is listening. Everyone has an anxiety agenda to get their point across.

- Both parties could be bored with each other and wishing that they were somewhere else.

- Anger may rise to the surface when either party makes the other person feel like you are wasting their time.

- When impatience is expressed by either party the communication barrier grows larger.

- It is a great turn off to listening when one of the parties gives no facial expressions or verbal responses. “Hello!  Is anyone home?”

- It is irritating when either person pre-states the other individual’s point of view, pre-finishes their sentences, or rephrases and puts words in the other person’s mouth.

- It is maddening when one party contradicts what the other person is going to say before they even state their case.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

Total communication is comprised of three basic elements. The first is the actual words that are spoken between people. The content of the words could be casual, humorous, serious, or even mean spirited. Words make up about 7% of communication. John Powel in his book Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? describes five levels of verbal communication.

Level 1—Small Talk--Superficial
    “How are you?’
    “How’s the weather where you are?”
    “Did you catch the football game last night?”

Level 2—Factual Conversation—No personal comments—Little risk
    “I bought a new four-wheel truck.”
    “Mary just had a new baby boy. His name is Jeremiah.”
    “We’re going on a vacation to Palm Springs.”

Level 3—Ideas and Opinions—No real intimacy
    “I’m tired of hearing political commercials on television.”
    “I think that abortion is wrong.”
    “I like to decorate the house using a country theme.”

Level 4—Feelings and Emotions—Freedom to express real emotions
    “I really don’t appreciate it when you come home late for dinner.”
    “I’m so mad at you that I could spit nails.”
    “I just got news that I may be laid off and I’m scared to death.”

Level 5—Deep Insight—Complete emotional and personal self-disclosure
    “I just got word that I have cancer. I don’t want to die.”
    “I have never told anyone this, but I stole some money from you.”
    “I haven’t been honest with you, but I want to start today.”
 
The second part of communication involves the tone of voice or the emphasis that is placed on the words spoken. For example:

I never said that Allison had an affair. [Someone else said it.]

I never said that Allison had an affair. [My intention was to keep it a secret.]

I never said that Allison had an affair. [I only implied it.]

I never said that Allison had an affair. [Her name was never used in my story.]

I never said that Allison had an affair. [I only said that there was a  affair—everyone must have assumed she had it.]

I never said that Allison had an affair. [I only voiced my conviction about a problem and everyone assumed it was an affair.]

Tone of voice and emphasis on words is a subtle form of conveying a message. Tone and emphasis comprises about 38% of communication.

The third and largest area of communication is made up of non-verbal behavior. This includes things like:

How People Walk --- Fast or Slow
How People Talk --- Loud or Quiet
The Individual’s Posture --- Ridged / Relaxed
Eye Contact --- Direct / Indirect
Body Gestures --- Many / Few
Reaction to Others --- Outgoing / Restrained
Response Under Stress --- Anger / Fear
People’s Facial Expressions --- Positive / Negative

This area of communication is often referred to as body language. It is the most powerful form of communication. Body language messages are believed more than tone of voice or content of words. Non-verbal behavior or actions form about 55 % of communication. It is important to listen to and attend to not only what is spoken, but how it is spoken, and to see if the non-verbal actions match the spoken words.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women AreNeat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author BobPhillips)

HELPING THE QUIET PERSON OPEN UP
There is a proverb that states, “Still water runs deep.”  If you are walking next to stream and see bubbling or frothing water it is often caused by rocks or debris close to the surface. When the water is still or smooth on the surface it can indicate deep areas of the stream.

The same concept has often been suggested about the silent or quite individual. Their seeming withdrawal from interaction may indicate that they are someone who thinks deeply or ponders over their thoughts. However, their silence is sometimes difficult to deal with. Listed below are several communication starters for the non-verbal person. To help them get in touch with their feelings and to share their thoughts, suggest that they complete the appropriate sentence.

“I have really been feeling angry about  . . . “
“I feel embarrassed to say . . . “
“I get very upset when you . . . “
“This is difficult for me to say, but . . . “
“Talking about this makes me wonder . . . “
“It is obvious that you . . . “
“I would like you to consider . . . “
“What bugs me the most is . . . “

Along with the above communication starters you may ask the following type of questions to help them get started.
“I’d love to hear about . . . “
“I’m interested in hearing more . . . “
“I’d be happy to listen concerning . . . “
“How are things with . . . “
“What do you think about . . . “

You might also try the 7 W’s to Prime the Communication Pump and bring on a flow of words.
WHERE did you go?
WHEN did it occur?
WHY was the event planned?
WHO was there?
WHAT did you talk about?
WHAT did you do?
WHAT was your reaction?

HELPING THE PERSON WHO IS ANGRY
Occasionally we all will encounter someone who is very upset or angry. Some issue or circumstance has rubbed them the wrong way and they are going to tell us about it. Their voice may be raised and they might be attacking us with harsh words.
- Try to listen carefully and attentively to what they are saying. Endeavor to discover what the main point or real issue is.
- Try not to take their outburst personal. Remaining calm and cool is very important. Don’t retaliate with your own eruption of anger.     
- Let the person get it all out of their system. Give them the opportunity to express their complete thoughts. You might ask them if there is anything else they would like to share. Be prepared. They may share more hostility.
- Try to analyze the problem and restate it for the angry person. This will indicate that you have been listening  to their concerns. Ask them if you have correctly understood their comments.
- Ask the individual what they would like from you. When you clearly understand what they want there will  mostly be three basic responses:
    - “I can help you out. I can answer your request. I will try and satisfy you.”  [YES]
    - “I’m sorry. I will not be able to answer your request. [NO]
    - “I can attempt to satisfy part of your concern or request”  [MAYBE—SOME SORT OF COMPROMISE]
    - Try to emphasize the positive things that you can do. Then be sure to carry out the things you indicated you can assist in.

As you begin to get a handle on the mindset of each social style, you can learn to relate and communicate more effectively. As you gain a deeper understanding of social style, you can start to identify some of the gender stereotypes that you have come to embrace. Once you realize that many of the differences you have attributed to gender are actually due to social style, you will begin to see improvements in how you relate to others.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips

“Shut up!  Shut up!  Shut up!” said Mario as he slammed the door and stomped out in anger. It was not the first time that he reacted this way. It had become a pattern every time he was confronted with conflict.

Mario had been raised in a home where there was a great deal of yelling, slamming of doors, and even throwing things. From early childhood on he had not had any models of healthy conflict resolution. He did not have the opportunity to develop positive communication skills.

Carla, on the other hand, did not come from a home with a great deal of outbursts of anger or displays of temper tantrums. It was just the opposite. Everyone in her family found it easier to avoid and repress ideas and feelings.

No one would talk about issues of disagreement. They would simply drop into a world of silence like a tortoise pulling its head into its shell. Her family members would hold in their hurts, fears, and angers. Successful communication did not take place in her home either.

Our homes and our early upbringing are a training ground for either effective communication or unhealthy communication. But it doesn’t stop there. Communication skills are also learned by our interaction with friends, school mates, fellow employees in the workplace, community involvements, and even with strangers.

Communication with others is a never ending process and it is not always an easy matter. To begin with, language itself is not precise. Take for example the word ‘father.’  That one word could have a different meaning to the person speaking or to the person being spoken to.

o    Loving father
o    Mean father
o    God our Father
o    Old man
o    Priest
o    Founder of our country

Another factor of communication is that the sender of the message is more responsible for the message than the hearer. This is because the person who is speaking knows what they are meaning . . . or knows their motivation for speaking. This is not always clear to the person spoken to.

There is also the tendency to come across as attacking an individual rather than attacking an issue. It is common for people to take any disagreement with their ideas as a personal attack against them as a person. Just because you may not be in alignment with a person’s ideas or conclusions does not mean that you don’t like them as a person. This separation is difficult for many people to make.

In talking to others it is also important to use “I” words and phrases rather than “You” words or phrases. You words can come across as a frontal assault or attack.

o    “You never . . . “
o    “You always . . .”
o    “Every time you . . . “
o    “You can’t . . . “
o    “You don’t . . . “

David Augsburger in his book entitled When Caring Is Not Enough lists 20 Dirty Fighting Strategies that people use when trying to get their way. These strategies destroy true communication and cause turmoil in relationships regardless of the social style or gender of the parties.

     STRATEGY        EXPLANATION
1.  Timing                Catch them off guard rather than choose a good time

2.  Turf                      Pick your best turf rather than choose a neutral place.

3.  Anxiety                 Step up the anxiety rather than set a caring atmosphere.

4. Fogging               Filibuster, fog and fume instead of communicating equally.

5. Mystifying             Ramble, chain react, confuse rather than be clear and honest.

6. Generalizing       Universalize and exaggerate instead of simplify and focus.

7. Analyze                 Intellectualize, theorize, advise instead of admitting pain.

8. Gunnysacking    Save up grievances rather than deal with here and now.

9. Neutrality             Be silent, superior, detached rather than open and present.

10. Temper              Hide anger then ventilate rage rather than clear anger.

11. Blaming             Find who is at fault rather than practice no-fault fights.

12. Righteousness    Find who is right instead of finding what’s right.

13. Exit                      Walk out, clam up, shut off instead of working  through.

14. Questioning      Use clever or concealed questions instead of statements.

15. Triangling          Pit people against people instead of dealing firsthand.

16. Put-downs        Use sarcasm, jibes, digs rather than share humor.

17. Undermining    Undermine self-esteem rather than enrich self-respect.

18. Guilt                    Play either judge or martyr to hook guilt not responsibility.

19. Mind Reading   Read or rape the other’s mind rather than listen, wait, learn.

20. Delaying            Ignore, forget, postpone rather than honor commitments.

On the other hand, successful communication begins with the use of “I” words. “I” phrases are more honest, assertive, and less likely to come across as an attack to the individual.

“I am disappointed . . . “
“I am angry about . . . ”
“I don’t care for . . . ”
“I am hurt over . . . ”
“I would like to see . . . “




COMMUNICATING WITH THE ANALYTICAL SOCIAL STYLE:
- Provide lots of facts
- Give an organized presentation
- Use logical persuasion and thinking
- Talk softly
- Talk slowly
- Be specific
- Stress the quality of the relationship you would like to have
- Allow time for questions
- Validate their own thoughts on the subject
- Stay away from exaggeration
- Don’t push them to make a decision or share feelings until they are ready
- Don’t fight with them or have an extended argument

COMMUNICATING WITH THE DRIVER SOCIAL STYLE
- Get to the point
- Let them stay in control
- Stay businesslike
- Make your presentation quickly
- Be brief
- Show confidence
- Ask their opinion
- It will be a mistake to try and overpower them with words
- Stay away from chit-chat and small talk
- Try not to belabor your points
- Don’t pressure them because it could escalate the conflict
- Going off on tangents will not be appreciated
- Try not to argue with them because argument is their strong suit

COMMUNICATING WITH THE AMIABLE SOCIAL STYLE
- Show kindness
- Be friendly
- Make them feel valued
- Display patience
- Treat them gently
- Listen to them
- Empathize with their concerns
- Stay relaxed and don’t get uptight
- Smile
- Speak Softly
- Do not put down their opinions
- Stay away from sarcasm
- Try not to rush them

COMMUNICATING WITH THE EXPRESSIVE SOCIAL STYLE
- Socialize with them
- Joke around with them
- Be informal
- Make a colorful or vivid presentation
- Talk with excitement
- Ask about their personal life
- Ask about their interests
- Talk with a rapid pace
- Being too serious will not be helpful
- Don’t bore them with details
- Try not to be stuffy or overly rule oriented
- Talk about how you would like to see the relationship in the future

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips

Communication is like a two edged sword that can either bring healing to relationships or harm to relationships. For this reason it is very important to endeavor to understand how people are wired. Regardless of their gender, there are four basic social style responses. These responses can help to create either healthy communication or harmful communication between family members, friends, fellow workers, or even strangers.

The four social styles not only view life differently but they also communicate in slightly different ways. To effectively get along with people who are similar to us or completely different, it is important to understand their frame of reference. We then can modify our behaviors and words to help them to express their thoughts. This will open up lines of understanding and encourage a reduction in conflict.

THE MIND-SET OF ANALYTICALS
Analyticals are self-motivated and determined. They have a tendency to focus their energies toward technical knowledge which is quite staggering. They have the ability to find cracks or holes in systems and procedures. They have a tendency to do things themselves and center their efforts on completed tasks.

ANALYTICALS—What They Value:
- They talk about security.
- They like to make accurate statements.
- They come across as very stable.
- They tend toward rules and regulations.
- They demand quality.
- They enjoy structure.
- They love lots of facts.
- They seem to be very competent.
- They get lost in details.
- They feel comfortable with tradition.
- They use critical thinking a great deal.
- They take pleasure in organization.
- They value logic and deductive reasoning.

ANALYTICALS—What Annoys Them:
- They don’t put up with inaccuracy.
- They have no patience for incompetence.
- They feel uncomfortable with change.
- They dislike aggressive people.
- They appreciate any shouting.
- They abhor evasiveness.
- They detest mediocrity.
- They will not excuse inadequacy.
- They loathe exaggeration.
- They can’t stand invasiveness.
- They despise clutter.
- They can’t bear disorganization.
- They are revolted by clamor.
- They have contempt for hastiness.


THE MIND-SET OF DRIVERS
Drivers are self-directed, goal-oriented, and generally quite persistent. They respond to deadlines and take them seriously. Sometimes they over commit to various tasks. They have a tendency to do things themselves and center their efforts on completed tasks.

DRIVERS—What They Value     
- They talk about achievement.
- They enjoy a challenge.
- They seek to be successful.
- They tend to exert power.
- They like speed in accomplishments
- They exercise control of themselves and others.
- They accept responsibility.
- They set many goals.
- They feel comfortable in debates.
- They take pleasure in competition.
- They rise to leadership responsibilities.
- They take pleasure in being independent.
- They make decisions easily.
- They are usually highly productive.

DRIVERS—What Annoys Them
- They do not respect indecisiveness.
- They hate boredom.
- They feel uncomfortable with small talk.
- They dislike dealing with details.
- They appreciate hypersensitivity.
- They have a difficult time over emotionalism in others.
- They do not respect dependency.
- They can’t stand excuses.
- They have no patience with irresponsibility.
- They get irritated with lethargy.
- They despise laziness.
- They struggle with taking orders.
- They have no time for overanalyzes.

THE MIND-SET OF AMIABLES
Amiables enjoy developing policies, procedures and systems that relate to people in a family or organization. They can be devoted to the care of individuals in a group and like to be part of a team. They have a tendency to get things done through other people and center their efforts on relationships.

AMIABLES—What They Value    
- They like to make a contribution.
- They enjoy comfort with people and situations.
- They are very compassionate.
- They appreciate cooperation.
- They come across as friendly.
- They tend toward peacefulness and quiet.
- They value loyalty.
- They seek approval from others.
- They feel safe with cohesiveness.
- They are grateful for people they can trust.
- They display kindness.
- They are pleased with good relationships.
- They value benevolence and concern for others.
- They are glad when coaching is present.

AMIABLES—What Annoys Them
- They feel uncomfortable with conflict.
- They don’t like to deal with impatient people.    
- They dislike disrespectful people.
- They don’t appreciate discourteousness.
- They abhor insensitivity in others.
- They detest harshness.
- They find rushing objectionable.
- They have an aversion to pressure.
- They can’t stand an atmosphere filled with tension.
- They despise controversy.
- They can’t bear disharmony.
- They are revolted by yelling.
- They have contempt for pushiness.
- They hate rudeness.

THE MIND-SET OF EXPRESSIVES
Expressives are very outgoing, optimistic, and gregarious. They like action and movement and often focus on short term goals. They take the position of a cheerleader for those around them. They have a tendency to get things done through other people and center their efforts on relationships.

EXPRESSIVES—What They Value
- They like freedom.
- They enjoy excitement.
- They appreciate adventure.
- They value flexibility.
- They seek spontaneity.
- They get excited about vision.
- They think enthusiasm gives meaning to life.
- They seek change whenever possible.
- They can live easily with unpredictability.
- They are grateful for uniqueness in people and situations.
- They display creativity.
- They are pleased with innovation.
- They value benevolence
- They are energized by versatility.



EXPRESSIVES—What Annoys Them    
- They feel uncomfortable with rules.
- They don’t like to deal with structure.    
- They dislike schedules.
- They get tired easily with routine.
- They abhor tedium.
- They detest stagnation.
- They find slowness objectionable.
- They have an aversion to boredom.
- They can’t stand ritual.
- They don’t appreciate lack of originality.
- They can’t bear lack of creativity.
- They despise details.
- They have contempt for formality.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

Here are some other gender myths that are floating around society. As you look at some of these stereotypes, stop and consider which ones you have bought into.

WOMEN - Language heard by women is an emotional experience
MEN - Language heard by men is the receiving of information
ACTUAL TRUTH - The tendency to hear language through a certain grid or mind-set has nothing to do with gender. It has more to do with Social Style. Analyticals and Drivers tend to focus on facts and informa-tion while Amiables and Expressives tend to focus on the emotional experience that transpires between people.

WOMEN - Tend to take everything personally
MEN - Tend to take everything impersonally
ACTUAL TRUTH - Individuals who lean toward the Analytical or Amiable Social style have more of a tendency to take things personally. On the other hand, the Driving and Expressive Social Styles tend to take comments and situations more impersonally.

WOMEN - Like to go shopping
MEN - Get in, get what they need and get out
ACTUAL TRUTH - All Drivers hate to shop, whether men or women. They get in, get what they need, and get out. Analyticals like to compare prices at different places. Amiables go with the flow on shopping and Expressives like the social interaction of being out in public in general.

WOMEN - Their spoken language is an expression of what they are feeling
MEN - Their spoken language is an expression of what they are thinking
ACTUAL TRUTH - Both women and men can express what they are thinking or feeling. Analytical and Driving men and women have a tendency to be more expressive of their thoughts. Amiable and Expressive men and women have a tendency to be more expressive of their feelings.

WOMEN - Are more interested in the details, the nitty-gritty
MEN - Are interested in the principle, the abstract, the philosophy
ACTUAL TRUTH - Individuals, male or female, with the Analytical and Amiable Social Style are more interested in details, facts, and how things interrelate. Driver and Expres-sive men and women have little interest in a multitude of details. They want to know the goal, the principle, and the bottom line. They are big-picture in nature.

WOMEN - Are like computers with their minds going and going until the problem is solved
MEN - Are like filing cabinets that store problems and then close the drawer and forget it
ACTUAL TRUTH - It has nothing to do with gender. The minds of Analyticals and Amiables have a tendency to replay information and situations over and over again in their thinking. Driver and Expressive men and women are more interested in new developments and future situations and tend more to leave the past behind.

WOMEN - A woman’s home is an extension of her personality
MEN - A man’s job is the extension of his personality
ACTUAL TRUTH - This concept may have an element of truth in it because many women do not work outside of the home. However, for many men, their home is an extension of their personality . . . and for working women their job is also an extension of their personality. Personality is displayed at home and work by both men and women through the avenue of their own Social Style uniqueness.

WOMEN - Tend to be guilt-prone
MEN - Tend to be resentful
ACTUAL TRUTH - Well, there goes another myth. There are plenty of resentful women in this world and there are equally enough guilt-prone men. Drivers and Expressives seem to struggle more with anger issues (resentful-ness) and Analyticals and Amiables with fear issues (guilt-proneness). It is more of a universal human nature problem than a gender issue.

WOMEN - Tend to become involved more easily and quickly
MEN - Tend to stand back and evaluate and volunteer slowly
ACTUAL TRUTH - Shyness and being disinterested is not a gender issue. Analyticals and Amiables tend to be a little more withdrawn while Drivers and Expressives are more outgoing. On the other hand Analyticals and Drivers lean toward accomplishing tasks while Amiables and Expressives lean toward nurturing relationships rather than launching into activity.

WOMEN - Seem to never forget anything
MEN - Have to be told over and over again
ACTUAL TRUTH - You have probably met plenty of ditzy women. They have been fodder for all the ‘blond jokes.’  On the other hand there are men who are walking encyclopedias. Gender is not the issue. Analyticals can be very legalistic, Drivers can be revengeful, Amiables can be procrastinators, and Expressives can be extremely forgetful.

WOMEN - Like to have security
MEN - Like to take risks
ACTUAL TRUTH - Risk taking or the need for security is not a gender issue. Analyticals and Amiables tend to desire stability and financial security. Drivers and Expressives like to take more risks, hoping for the bigger return. Even in non-financial situations, Drivers and Expressives tend to take more risks in life than Amiables and Analyticals.

WOMEN - Are bad drivers
MEN - Are good drivers
ACTUAL TRUTH - You have probably encountered plenty of terrible drivers, whether men or women. It’s not a gender is-sue. Amiables and Analyticals tend to be slower and more careful drivers. Expressives and Drivers tend to take more risks as drivers and lean towards the fast and impatient side of driving.

WOMEN - Like cats and small, cuddly animals  
MEN - Like dogs and big, burley animals
ACTUAL TRUTH - There are plenty of women in the world who hate cats and plenty of men who own tea cup poodles. Generally speaking, Driver Social Styles do not gravitate towards small, cuddly animals, whether male or female. Drivers are not the most warm and fuzzy people in the world, so you won’t hear them eek out an “awwwww” when someone shoves a kitten in their face.

WOMEN - Are always late
MEN - Are always on time, waiting for women.
ACTUAL TRUTH - You will see this myth perpetuated in movies and sitcoms. Men are always waiting on women who habitually run late. It’s not a gender issue. Drivers and Analyticals are rarely ever late. They are usually on time, or early. Amiables and Expressives tend to run late unless they have a Driver or Expressive secondary element to their social style.

WOMEN - Are more cooperative  
MEN - Are morecompetitive
ACTUAL TRUTH - Women can be just as competitive as men. It’s more of a social style issue than gender. Drivers and Expressives tend to be more competitive than Amiables and Analyticals. Drivers are especially competitive, whether male or female. If you’re not convinced women can be competitive, take a look at Hilary Clinton (a Driver) in the 2008 presidential primary race.

WOMEN - Are more tactful and full of grace
MEN - Are more blunt and to the point
ACTUAL TRUTH - Amiables and Analyticals tend to be more tactful and full of grace because they hate conflict. Drivers and Expressives tend to be blunt and to the point, often offending people with their approach. It is definitely not a gender issue as you have probably experienced some pretty abrasive women as well as men in your life.

WOMEN - Tend to become depressed under stress or in conflict
MEN - Tend to explode under stress or in conflict
ACTUAL TRUTH - Your general response to conflict is not dictated by gender. It is determined by your social style and what you were taught growing up. Your first, instinctual response to conflict is to give in if you’re an Amiable, attack or explode if you’re an Expressive, withdraw if you’re an Analytical, and control if you’re a Driver. Amiables and Analyticals get more depressed about stress and conflict than Drivers and Expressives.

WOMEN - Want to just talk through problems or be listened to  
MEN - Want to take control and solve a problem
ACTUAL TRUTH - How you approach problems is a social style issue, not gender. Drivers are the ones who want to take the bull by the horn and control and solve the problem quickly. Analyticals want to analyze and think through it. Amiables want to collaborate with others first. Expressives want to talk and vent about the problem and they want to give everyone else unsolicited  advice on how to solve their problems.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

DISPELLING THE STEREOTYPE
The stereotype tells us that men are decisive and women can’t seem to make up their minds. As a result, men take more risks and make better managers and leaders. Additionally, because men are more decisive, they hate shopping with women because women take forever to decide what they want. Conversely, men can get in, make a decision, get what they need and get out. These are all inaccurate assumptions, myths, and stereotypes.

How you approach decision making has nothing to do with your gender. It has everything to do with your social style. Take a look at how the four different social styles approach decision making.

HOW THE FOUR SOCIAL STYLES MAKE DECISIONS
You have an innate instinct when it comes to making decisions. That doesn’t mean you can’t learn to make decisions faster or be more methodical in your approach, it simply means you are predisposed to approaching decisions either quickly or slowly.

Analyticals tend to be the slowest decision makers. They would rather make no decision than a bad decision. They want to gather all of the facts and data available before making a decision. They love graphs, charts, consumer reports, and detailed information. They want to think about it.

The Analytical is the nightmare prospect for the timeshare salesperson. Timeshares are designed to be sold on the spot. Analyticals are designed to sit on bug decisions for at least 24 hours. The two don’t mix. An Analytical would rather walk away from the best deal in the world than to be pressured into making a decision.   

The priority of an Analytical when approaching decisions is to save face and save money. They see their reputation riding on their decisions and they don’t want to be embarrassed by the decisions they make. So saving face is important to an Analytical. Additionally, they are financially frugal individuals and they want to be sure they are getting the best value for their money. They are big proponents of quality, which includes quality decisions. Whether male or female, Analyticals will be slow to make decisions.

The Driver approaches decisions with speed and intensity. They would rather make a bad decision than no decision. They just want the decision to be made! They hate graphs, charts and detailed information.

They can either be a dream prospect or a nightmare prospect for the timeshare salesperson. They will assimilate the information quickly and make a decision. This can be a dream if they decide to buy. It can be a nightmare if they have already made up their mind not to. Giving them more facts and information won’t usually sway them. Once their mind is made up, they are adamant about their decisions.

The priority of the Driver when approaching decisions is to save time. They don’t want to waste time over analyzing a decision. They would rather put the decision in motion and adapt to the consequences as they arise. As a result, they don’t always focus on the details of the decisions or contingency plans. They saying goes: “If you want to get to the moon, hire a Driver. But if you want to get back…….. hire an Analytical!” Male and female

Drivers tend to plow through decisions, often appearing to roll over the top of people. If they are in a group and they see that a decision needs to be made, they tend to step up first and lead the group to make a decision.

Amiables are similar to Analyticals in their approach to decisions. They would rather make no decision than a bad decision. The major difference is their priority. The priority of Amiables is to save relationships, so they want to carefully evaluate how their decisions will affect others and be perceived by others. They want people to like them and they don’t want to make waves. If an Amiable perceives that a decision will cause conflict, they will often avoid making the decision.

Amiables will sometimes get pushed into making decisions they don’t want to make in order to spare someone’s feelings (like a timeshare salesperson). They find it difficult to say “no” to people. To avoid having to say “no”, they may avoid people or circumstances so they don’t have to deal with the potential conflict. In groups, they will often wait for others to speak up and give their input before making a decision. If the majority of the group is leaning toward one direction, the Amiable will likely follow to be agreeable. Whether male or female, Amiables tend to go with the flow on decisions or avoid controversial decisions if at all possible.

Expressives are more like Drivers in their approach to rapid decision making. The major difference is their priority and their basis for the decision. Drivers tend to be more rational and unemotional about their decisions. Expressives tend to be more intuitive and make decisions based on a “gut feeling.” Their emotions will play a large role in how they make decisions. For example, if the Expressive is in a timeshare presentation, a large part of their decision will be based on how they “feel” about the sales person and whether or not they “connect.”

The priority of an Expressive is to save energy. Looking at charts, graphs, and detailed information takes too much energy for an Expressive. They are incredibly social in nature and if it’s not fun and doesn’t involve socializing, they want to avoid it. They are very impatient people who expect others to make decisions quickly as well. Expressives are often accused of making rash decisions or not thinking before they act. Like a Driver, an Expressive would rather make a bad decision than no decision. Whether male or female, you will see Expressives making decisions very quickly.

DECISION MAKING AND RISK
There is another stereotype that usually accompanies the decisive stereotype. It is often asserted that because men are more decisive, they are also bigger risk takers. Men are portrayed as the gender that wants to take the financial risks, relationship risks, and thrill-seeking risks. Conversely, women are portrayed as the gender that seeks stability, tranquility, and safety.

As with decision-making, your tendency toward risk-taking follows your social style, not your gender. Additionally, your likeness to take risks is directly related to your approach to decision making.

Drivers and Expressives are quick to make decisions. They are also the risk takers. They are much more willing and likely to take risks than Amiables or Analyticals. These two social styles prefer safety and stability, whether male or female.

SURVEY SAYS
In my survey, respondents were asked to check the box that applies to them more: I make thoughtful decisions or I make quick decisions. More men than women indicated a tendency toward quick decisions. If I left the research at that (as many experts do), I would be able to reaffirm the stereotype that men are more decisive than women. However, factoring in social style changes the meaning of the results.

When we dig deeper and cross references gender responses to social style, the results make sense. Drivers and Expressives would be expected to have the “quick decision” tendency while Amiables and Analyticals would be expected to have the “thoughtful decision” tendency.

There were 67 male Drivers and 61 male Expressives who filled out the survey for a total of 128. There were 54 female Drivers and 55 female Expressives who filled out the survey for a total of 109. There were more male Drivers and Expressives than female Drivers and Expressives, so it would follow that more men than women would indicate a tendency toward quick decisions. The reason for the result was social style based, not gender.

The problem with much of the research on gender issues is it begins with a focus on gender differences whether in survey responses, behavior, experiments, etc. When studies show differences between the genders, it is just assumed that the differences are because of the genders. Social style is never taken into consideration. This is why so many of the studies and their results conflict with each other. If researchers would begin cross referencing their gender studies with social style analysis, the results would most likely align with the discussions in this book.



-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

Most people are keenly aware of this gender stereotype. “Men use their heads and women use their hearts.” “Men are better thinkers but women are better feelers.” “Men make decisions based on fact and women make decisions based on emotion.” “Men are biologically equipped with thinking capacity while women are biologically equipped with feeling capacity.” “Men think through issues and women feel through them.” “Men are logical and women are intuitive.” All of these gender stereotypes explain why men are better problem-solvers and women are better communicators. There’s just one very big problem—men aren’t better problem solvers and women aren’t better communicators. Let’s examine some of these stereotypes and look at the more important issue of social style.

THAT CORPUS CALLOSUM
There is a sweeping generalization that women are sympathizers and men are systemizers. Much of this is attributed to studies of the brain that seek to explain why women have more empathy and can multi-task and why men are poor listeners but good at detail. The problem starts with the assumption that these gender stereotypes are actually true. Once researchers make that assumption, they set out to try and figure out why men and women act the way they do.

The studies state that women have more connectivity between the right side of the brain and the left side of the brain, connected by the corpus callosum. Because parts of the corpus callosum have appeared to be thicker in women, assumptions are made as to why. Studies make claims like, “This may explain why women are better at…” or “This may explain why men don’t….” making the assumption that the initial generalization is correct.

Well here’s a newsflash that doesn’t make the headlines like all of the gender myths do: most researchers will admit that there are much greater neurological differences between individuals than there are between men and women. When examining the number of nerve fibers that exist in the corpus callosum, it is possible for one person to have three times the amount of fibers as another person, regardless of gender. I think if we dissected these brains with a focus on social style instead of gender, we might discover that those three-fold corpus callosum brains belonged to Drivers because they are known for being so thickheaded!

All humor aside, no one has examined the brain in relation to social style. Studies have only been done with a focus on gender, and there are too many unknowns and inconsistencies to ignore. The first step in the right direction for all researchers would be to lay down the gender stereotypes and start examining differences in people based on social style.

CHESS, JOBS, AND INTELLECTUAL CAPACITY
If both men and women are capable of the same levels of thinking capacity, then why do more men dominate high level thinking fields? One study published in the August 2006 issue of Sex Roles called into question the claims that occupational stereotypes are actually diminishing. This study showed that people still associate more analytical types of jobs with men (engineers, accountants) while more relationship or feeling-oriented jobs were associated with women (teachers, caregivers). This could play a critical factor in how people view the suitability of jobs based on their gender. Many women have been convinced that they simply lack the biological makeup to cut the mustard in a high level thinking job.

Let’s look at the game of chess as an example. This is considered one of the most mentally challenging games, requiring a lot of analytical skill and thinking.

The European Journal of Social Psychology published a study in March of 2008 examining why women are so underrepresented in the world of chess. Only 5% of the registered tournament players worldwide are women. Only 1% of the grand masters (the highest title a chess player can obtain aside from “world champion”) are women. The study argues that gender stereotypes are responsible.

The study paired 42 male/female players based on ability. The players engaged in chess games via the Internet. When the players were unaware of the gender of the person they were playing against, the women played just as well as the men. When the gender stereotype was activated and the women were aware that they were up against a man, a drastic drop in performance resulted. When they were falsely told they were playing against a woman (but they were actually playing against a man), they performed at the same level as their male opponents. The pre-conditioned stereotype that men are better thinkers than women can actually cause women to perform at lower levels.

There have been plenty of studies that show how gender is not an adequate predictor of achievement, academic skill level, or emotional tendencies. Many studies related to math skills for boys and girls have been conducted showing much more overlap in similarities than the gap in differences. Unfortunately, many researchers are looking only for differences and as a result, they either miss or completely ignore the similarities that exist.

THINKERS AND FEELERS
If you look at some of the most genius minds throughout history (both male and female), you will see a lot of Analyticals coming up on the list. Of course not all Analyticals make it to genius level, but they are certainly more genius-prone than the rest of us with Driver, Expressive, and Amiable social styles. Analyticals don’t always use this thinking capacity, but it is there in both males and females.

That’s not to say that the other three social styles cannot be incrediably intelligent people, because they can. But whether you are prone to making decisions or looking at life through a lens of thinking or feeling is based on social style, and not gender.

Drivers and Analyticals tend to make decisions aside from emotions or feelings. In fact, they often become uncomfortable if someone around them shows too much emotion on a regular basis. They struggle with people who don’t use logic or reasoning to make decisions.

Amiables and Expressives are much more feeling based, and they will often show those feelings. As it becomes more and more socially acceptable for men to show their emotions, we are starting to see more and more Expressive and Amiable men coming out of the emotional closet. Amiables and Expressives often view Drivers and Analyticals as a little on the cold and unfeeling side and wish they would show more emotion and feelings.

EXAMINING YOUR OWN STEREOTYPES
Take a moment to examine your own beliefs and the stereotypes you may be embracing. Do you think men are better at thinking and women are better at feeling? Are you passing on stereotypes to your children or impressionable people around you?

Stereotypes like these can damage relationships and cause people to fall short of their potential in life. If men are convinced they are incapable of levels of deep feeling and emotion, they may never stretch themselves in these areas which can aversely affect their relationships. Additionally, some men may consider themselves ill-suited for a particular job or career if they have been pre-conditioned to believe that certain jobs require more “feeling” than “thinking” and are better left to women.

Women who have been pre-conditioned to believe that they are biologically designed to high levels of thinking may forego pursuing careers that demand analytical skills. Additionally, they may bring these gender stereotypes into personal and professional relationships, creating problems in understanding who they are dealing with.

Our society needs a paradigm change when it comes to gender stereotypes. Looking through a lens of social style instead of gender will shift the focus away from stereotypes and force us to educate ourselves more and more on social style differences. As you do this, you will notice that many of the differences you have attempted to attribute to gender are really attributable to social style.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

There are countless depictions of men who are driven to achieve, to accomplish, to conquer. On the other end of the spectrum, women are depicted as striving for more relationships and better relationships. Even if a woman is portrayed in a working environment, she is still tagged with the innate need for relationship over accomplishment which some experts try to use to explain why men still dominate more managerial positions that women. The argument is that women are just not task-oriented enough because their focus is settled too narrowly on relationships.

This stereotype carries over into the home as well. Many experts insist that when a man comes home from work, he is still focused on task, not relationship. Women are portrayed as pacing near the front door, just waiting for him to get home so she can engage in her much needed relationship communication. If she’s a stay-at-home mom, she gets her daytime fix from her friends and community groups. If she’s a career woman, that fix comes from her co-workers who she will innately attempt to “bond” with. Her need for relationship does not stop at the end of the day however. When her man comes home, she still needs to share every detail of her day with him because her main focus and need in life centers on relationships. Or so the stereotype would have you believe.

There are plenty of women out there right now reading this who probably want to vomit. There are equally as many men who are scratching their heads wondering what’s wrong with them if the need for accomplishment doesn’t drive their every decision. This is a stereotype that just doesn’t fit, and it needs some dispelling.


THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER
The truth is, having an innate drive towards accomplishment or relationship is not about gender, it’s about social style. It’s the difference between being task-oriented or relationship-oriented. The task-oriented person is much more focused on getting things accomplished than the relationship-oriented person.

Drivers are task-oriented and extraverted in nature. They are born to achieve and gravitate towards leadership positions and constant accomplishment. It doesn’t matter if it is a male or a female—Drivers are the most prone to become workaholics. They want to accomplish things quickly so they can move on to the next task. They prefer speed over accuracy and are not great with the details. They are determined to follow through on their goals and are the most productive people on the face of the earth. Drivers become restless at work and at home if they don’t feel productive.

Analyticals are also task-oriented over relationship-oriented, but they are not as ambitious as Drivers. They prefer accuracy over speed and are great with the details. Whether at work or at home, they will find projects to accomplish and take great pride in the quality of their work. Female Analyticals are just as task-focused as their male counterparts.

Amiables need relationships much more than they need accomplishments. They are not prone to ambition and often need encouragement in setting goals. They focus a great deal of their time on building positive relationships and minimizing any conflict in their lives. Male Amiables are just as concerned with the feelings of others as female Amiables.

Expressives can be ambitious but they don’t always follow through on projects or large goals for accomplishment. They are much more relationship-oriented and want to have fun in life. Socializing is much more important to an Expressive than accomplishment. A male Expressive can be just as relationship driven as a female, showing an inconsistency in the stereotype.


SURVEY SAYS
In the survey I conducted and have referenced throughout the book, respondents were asked to answer true or false to the following statement: You are often accused of being too independent (“you don’t need anyone!”). The responses did not follow the typical gender stereotype. Instead, most Drivers and Analyticals responded “true”, while most Amiables and Expressives responded “false.”

Respondents were also asked to select the answer that best applied to them between the two choices within this statement: “My focus and tendency tends to be more towards: building relationships or completing tasks.” Drivers and Analyticals mostly selected “completing tasks” while Amiables and Expressives mostly selected “building relationships,” including the males who were identified as Amiables or Expressives. 



-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

The gender stereotype tells us that women are emotional and men are tough. Men don’t cry or wear their hearts on their sleeves. Men are tough as nails and don’t feel the emotions that women feel. The myth goes on to claim that women are thin-skinned and very emotional. They don’t have a problem crying at the drop of a dime, and they always wear their hearts on their sleeves. The truth is, Amiables and Expressives tend to be freer to share their emotions while Drivers and Analyticals tend to be less emotionally expressive.


THE HORMONE FACTOR
Before I go any further on this topic, I do want to address one issue that affects this gender stereotype: hormones. When a woman has PMS, is going through menopause, or is experiencing hormonal fluctuations in pregnancy, she may be much more prone to tears and feelings of emotion that she would not normally experience.

A Driver or Analytical woman is normally not an emotional creature. She doesn’t cry easily and tends to look at things in a very matter-of-fact manner. However, if she is dealing with a hormonal issue, she may find herself more emotional than usual. But setting aside hormones, an Amiable or Expressive is normally more apt to feel and share emotions, a Driver and Analytical is not.


EMOTIONAL VERSUS SENSITIVE
Women have been tagged with the stereotype of being sensitive which has been used in both positive and negative connotations.

Being emotional and being sensitive are two different things. Amiables and Expressives don’t mind showing their emotions, and Amiables can be overly sensitive when it comes to their feelings. Expressives on the other hand, can be insensitive like the Driver. Analyticals can also be overly sensitive like Amiables.


SURVEY SAYS
In my survey, I asked people if they were more likely to be accused of being too sensitive or too insensitive. According to gender stereotypes, more men than women should have responded that they are accused of being insensitive. Conversely, more women than men should have responded that they were more likely to be accused of being too sensitive.

The survey results fell in line with the gender stereotype. More men than women said they were more like to be accused of being too insensitive and more women than men said they were more likely to be accused of being too sensitive. So if we left it at that, one might conclude that our research solidifies the gender stereotype. Not so fast. When we break it down further and cross reference social style, we can begin to understand and interpret the responses more accurately.

The more insensitive social styles are the Drivers and Expressives. The more sensitive social styles are the Amiables and the Analyticals. Of the men who responded to the survey, the vast majority who said they were more insensitive were Drivers and Expressives. The vast majority of men who responded by saying they were more likely to be accused of being too sensitive were Amiables and Analyticals. This pattern proved to be true for the female respondents as well.

There were more male Driver and Expressive respondents than female Amiable and Analytical respondents. This would account for more men stating that they were more likely to be accused of being too insensitive. When we remove the gender of the respondents, the survey results show that Drivers and Expressives tend to be more insensitive while Amiables and Analyticals tend to be more sensitive.

When you stop examining behavior based on gender and instead look at social style, the patterns of behavior begin to make more sense. General sensitivity is not a gender issue as much as it is a social style issue.


THE CULTURAL FACTOR
The culture of our society reinforces an expectation for boys and men to be tough. Both fathers and mothers project this expectation in early ages as boys hear over and over “boys don’t cry,” or “toughen up,” or “don’t act like a sissy,” or “you’re acting like a little girl.” Boys learn very quickly that showing softness or emotion will only get them chastised in one form or another.

It’s not just parents either. Friends will mock boys for being too sensitive. Women expect men to be strong and tough but then want them soft and sensitive too. Is it any wonder men are so confused about this issue?

The media creates an expectation of toughness for men. The box office is filled with action-packed, hero movies where the men are tough and show very little emotion (other than anger). Video games portray the same image and continue to get more and more violent, sending a signal to boys that being mean and tough is where it’s at.

Even some of the most well intended experts and authors paint this image of men as tough and wild. Some claim that all men are born with the heart of a warrior, wanting constant risk and adventure in their lives. The more introverted and sensitive men find themselves feeling less like men as they fall short of these expectations. They try to hide their fears and insecurities, afraid they may be “found out.” What they fail to realize is there are millions of other men out there just like them who are sensitive, emotional, tender-hearted, and they are also REAL MEN.

The cultural stereotype of male toughness is hurting our young boys who become very confused men. They don’t know how to express their emotions because it is considered socially unacceptable—at least if you want to be considered a “man’s man.”

The culture of our society reinforces a stereotype that girls are soft, sweet, and emotional. Maybe you recall the nursery rhyme:

What are little boys made of?
Snips and snails, and puppy-dogs' tails,
That's what little boys are made of.
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice, and everything nice.
That's what little girls are made of.

I heard that rhyme growing up and so did everyone I know. There are countless girls out there wondering what might be wrong with them when they don’t feel so sweet and emotional and they love playing with frogs and bugs. Society tells them they are too emotional to handle a “man’s job” and they grow up selling themselves short.

Women who don’t feel or express much emotion as adults are often chastised with names like “cold, heartless, witch.” There is a cultural expectation that women will be more sensitive and emotional while men will be more insensitive and unemotional. Helping people to understand social style at a young age would help address some of these cultural issues that are feeding gender stereotypes.


BREAKING THE CYCLE
It doesn’t take a genius to see that boys are more emotional when they are younger and desensitize as they get older. It’s also not difficult to see that some boys are more tender-hearted and sensitive than others.

Social styles can be identified at a pretty young age. The goal is to educate parents, teachers, and children that it is perfectly normal for some boys to be emotional and some to be more unemotional. We also need to make sure girls understand that it is perfectly normal for some girls to be emotional and some to be more unemotional. What’s important is getting children and adults to understand social style and where they need to improve.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

Some of the experts tell us that men retreat in conflict because they are task-oriented and get overwhelmed by relationship issues. Then they tell us that women advance in conflict because they are so relationship-oriented and need to solve the problems right away. These gender stereotypes are just not true.

How you respond to conflict is based more on your social style than your gender. When the pressures of interpersonal conflict arise, we tend to abandon our positive traits and resort to our negative ones as we attempt to deal with the conflict. We become more extreme and rigid and less flexible as we move into nonnegotiable stances. As a result, our interaction with others becomes counterproductive. There are four basic responses to conflict and each style responds differently:

1.    Withdraw
2.    Control
3.    Give In
4.    Attack

These responses manifest themselves when you feel someone has put your back against the wall and is pushing your buttons. Additionally, you have a hierarchy of the four responses to conflict and you will start with your primary and work your way down the list until you find something that works. Each social style has a different hierarchy of responses that will be explained below.



HOW THE DRIVER RESPONDS TO CONFLICT
The first response of a Driver in conflict is to take control. If they feel they are losing control, they tend to over-control to try to compensate. Drivers will become cold, unfeeling and sarcastic. If they are mad enough, they will take a “my way or the highway” approach.

A good example of this is seen in the movie Crimson Tide with Gene Hackman and Denzel Washington. Gene Hackman plays the Captain Frank Ramsey, commander of the nuclear submarine U.S.S. Alabama. Denzel Washington plays the second in command, Lieutenant Commander Ron Hunter. The management and conflict styles of the two differ greatly. Ramsey is the Driver. As they begin to conflict on ideas, he makes comments like, “We are here to preserve democracy, not to practice it!” As the conflict gets even more heated, at one point he yells “Mister Hunter, I've made a decision. I'm captain of this ship, now shut the *bleep*up!”

Drivers become unbending, unyielding and demanding in conflict. They don’t like to admit they are wrong either. They have a hard time saying “I am sorry” and they need to work on this. They also need to learn how to say “I could be wrong.” That would go a long way in reducing conflict.

As you can see, the Driver’s first response to conflict is to control. If that doesn’t solve the conflict or relieve the tension, Drivers will likely withdraw from the situation. If that doesn’t solve the conflict, they may attack those they blame for the problem. The last resort for a Driver is to give in (which you won’t see very often).

If you’re in conflict with a Driver, don’t try to debate with them. They make great lawyers. They appreciate people who stand firm in their positions without trying to force them to change theirs. Don’t escalate the conflict by telling a Driver what to do—they don’t like being bossed around (that’s their job). Try not to take them too personally as they can come across as pretty cold and unfeeling when angry.


HOW THE ANALYTICAL RESPONDS TO CONFLICT
The Analytical becomes inflexible and nit-picky when it comes to conflict. They tend to avoid, dodge, escape, or retreat from uncomfortable situations. Driver's tend to control conflict; Analyticals tend to withdraw from it.

In the movie Pay it Forward, Helen Hunt plays Arlene, an alcoholic, single mom working two jobs to support her son. Kevin Spacey plays Mr. Simonet, a schoolteacher who begins dating Arlene.

Mr. Simonet is a very cautious Analytical who doesn’t like to take risks. He has everything in order in his life and likes things just the way he has them. When conflict presents itself in the relationship, Mr. Simonet  withdrawals. Arlene confronts him at one point in the relationship, insisting that he is trying to push her away or run away. As the conflict escalates, he withdraws. At another point in the movie Arlene’s ex shows up, posing a threat to the dating relationship between Arlene and Mr. Simonet. Instead of staying and fighting for what he wants, Mr. Simonet attempts to avoid the conflict by withdrawing.

The first response of the Analytical in conflict is to withdraw. If that doesn’t work, they will likely try to dominate. If that doesn’t solve the conflict, they will give in to end the conflict. The last thing you will see an Analytical do is attack.

If you’re in conflict with an Analytical, don’t raise your voice or become demonstrative as this will cause them to withdraw. Speak softly and calmly and give them time to think through the issues. Sometimes they need to take a break from the conflict to analyze the issues and ensure they are handling it in a way that will not cause them to lose face.


HOW THE EXPRESSIVE RESPONDS TO CONFLICT
The Expressive becomes loud and obnoxious when dealing with intense personal conflict. They tend to emotionally attack others and their ideas, using condemnations and put-downs to discredit them. They have strong emotions and will tell people how they feel about things.

A great example is Tom Cruise in the movie A Few Good Men. He plays the young and Expressive Lt. Daniel Kaffee who is an attorney for the U.S. Navy. Demi Moore plays his co-counsel Lt. Commander JoAnne Galloway. There is tension between them the first time they meet, and it continues as they attempt to defend two young marines who are charged with murder.

At one point during the trial, one of the key witnesses commits suicide and the case is beginning to look pretty bleak. JoAnne suggests to Daniel that they put Colonel Jessup (played by Jack Nicholson) on the stand and compel him to testify which could implicate the colonel in the case and exonerate the two marines. However, if the colonel didn’t crack on the stand, the attorneys could face legal charges for falsely accusing someone of that rank.

The conflict escalates as JoAnne tries to make her case. She pushes Danny to put Jessup on the stand and get the confession from him. Getting more and more frustrated, Daniel resorts to the Expressive “back-against-the-wall” behavior and unloads on her:

“Oh! We get it from him. No problem. We just get it from him!”

Then he turns as if he is talking to the Colonel on the stand and continues his rampage.

“Colonel Jessup isn’t it true that you ordered the code red on Santiago?” Then he makes a loud buzzer sound and continues.

“I’m sorry, your time’s run out!  What do we have for the losers Judge? Well for our defendants it’s a lifetime at exotic Fort Leavenworth and for defense counsel Kaffee… that’s right, it’s a court-martial! Yes, Johnny, after falsely accusing a highly decorated marine officer of conspiracy and perjury, LT Kaffee will have a long and prosperous career teaching typewriter maintenance at the Rocko Clubbo School for Women! Thank you for playing! Should we or should we not follow the advice of the galacticly stupid!?!”

This is a perfect example of an Expressive outburst when in the midst of some serious conflict. They have a tendency to lose their temper and say things they end up having to apologize for.

In the midst of conflict, the first response of the Expressive is to attack. If that doesn’t work, they will give in to end the conflict. A great example of this is in the movie Happy Gilmore. Adam Sandler plays Happy Gilmore. At the beginning of the movie his girlfriend breaks up with him while telling him he’s going nowhere and she does not want to end up with a loser.

He responds by yelling, “You’re a lousy kindergarten teacher. I’ve seen those finger paintings you bring home and they suck!”

His girlfriend continues to leave so he tries a different approach. “I’m sorry. I didn't mean that. They're excellent finger paintings. Please don't go.”

It’s a great example of how an Expressive can explode and then try to fix it. If giving in doesn’t work, they will try to dominate. The last thing you will see an Expressive do is withdraw.

If you find yourself in conflict with an Expressive, be prepared for a passionate exchange. Let them vent without becoming emotionally involved or getting defensive. They will eventually calm down if you don’t feed the anger. Try repeating back to them what you’re hearing instead of trying to address each and every point. Also, be sure not to internalize the passion or anger of an Expressive. Sometimes when they are venting about issues and people that have nothing to do with you, it may feel like you are being yelled at. Again, it’s just their venting style. Take a step back and just listen if you can.


HOW THE AMIABLE RESPONDS TO CONFLICT
Amiables dislike any type of conflict so much that they will give in to avoid the confrontation. They do not feel the conflict is worth it. They would rather save the relationship, even if it hurts them. Amiables appear to be in agreement on the outside, but may be resentful on the inside. They don’t want people to dislike them and they don’t want to make waves, so it’s easier to just give in. As a result, Amiables will often end up with some pent up anger that doesn’t get expressed because they hate conflict.

A great example of this is Adam Sandler in the movie Anger Management. He plays Dave Buznik, an Amiable executive who has a hard time letting people know what he really thinks. His boss takes advantage of his kind disposition by taking credit for his work and walking all over him. Throughout the movie Dave encounters absolutely rude people who need someone to stand up to them, but he generally gives in to avoid the conflict. As a result, he ends up with repressed anger that comes out in the form of verbal attacks (and even a rampage with a golft club in his boss's office). If an Amiable lets conflict fester long enough, they will eventually stop giving in and attack instead.

The first response of the Amiable is to give in. If that doesn’t ease the tension or end the conflict, they will attack. If that doesn’t work, they will withdraw in an effort to not have to deal with it. The last thing you will see an Amiable do is attempt to dominate.

If you are in conflict with an Amiable, you might notice that it ends quickly as they attempt to keep the peace. This doesn’t make the issue go away though. You need to coax them to share their opinions and provide a safe environment for them to do so. Speak softly and calmly and reassure them you really do want to hear how they feel about the issue.

Also, listen carefully to the subtleties with Amiables. If an Amiable very delicately offers something like, “Do you think your friend might be upset with you because of how you responded to his input?” What they are really trying to say but can’t because they are Amiable, is this: “You were a complete jerk to your friend and that’s why he’s upset with you. Why don’t you take responsibility and go apologize?” Don’t just listen to what is being said by an Amiable, listen to what is not being said as well.

SURVEY SAYS
In the survey we conducted, we asked people how they responded to conflict. More men than women indicated advancing behaviors, while more women indicated withdrawing behaviors. As stated earlier, more male Drivers and Expressives filled out the survey than female Drivers and Expressives, so this would make sense. Drivers and Expressives tend to advance in conflict while Amiables and Analyticals tend to withdraw more.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

Mushy. That’s how many women are portrayed when it comes to love or romance. Every woman loves to get flowers. Every woman loves touchy-feely cards. Every woman aches to be taken out to a candle-lit dinner and then a sunset walk along a sandy beach. Every woman wants her man to have a hot bubble bath waiting for her when she comes home. That’s how women are portrayed.

Men, on the other hand, are just downright practical. They don’t go for all that romance stuff and merely go through the motions because they know that’s what women want and if they do all the romance stuff it means they will get to have more sex. That’s how men are depicted.

There are plenty of men and women who would beg to differ with this stereotype. Many men consider themselves very romantic while plenty of women rate themselves as more practical than romantic. The tendency towards being romantic is much more of a social style issue than a gender issue.

I read an article recently about how men and women view romance. College students were asked what their favorite romantic movies were. The number one answer for both men and women was Sleepless in Seattle. But their second choice differed: the men chose Princess Bride and the women chose While You Were Sleeping. The article went on to say that men and women viewed romance differently, but by their movie choices, they didn’t seem too far apart in this particular example. One respondent commented that “Most girls dream of these romantic situations, the kind that end happily.”

Do women honestly think that men dream about relationship situations that don’t end happy? Men don’t wake up thinking, “You know, I think I will get myself into a relationship situation that ends miserably. That sounds great!”

Men and women both want cohesive relationships. However, the amount of romance that is desired or the amount of relational interaction will vary based on the social style of the person, not the gender.

Some experts even insist that men are actually more romantic than women. One expert asserts that the psychological data places men ahead of women in the romance area. One reason is attributed to the visual nature of men which allegedly causes them to fall in love faster. This expert reports that more men remarry and men are more dependent on their girlfriends or wives because they have fewer close friends than women and men are not as close to their family members.

Another expert conducted a telephone survey on 1,000 Americans. It was discovered that 56% of the men felt romantic on vacations while only 46% of the women did. If we left it at the gender issue on both of the previous cases, we might draw an inaccurate conclusion that men are more romantic than women.

In another interesting study, a Kansas State Professor discovered that men actually like romantic movies more than they often admit or more than people might assume they do. The stereotype that is placed on men often causes men to put on the macho front lest people may think they are sissies.

Another fun survey was conducted asking men what types of Valentine’s Day cards they preferred to receive. Would they prefer sexy/naughty, comedic, or romantic. Based on the stereotypes put forward on men in movies, sitcoms, and the media, you would think that the men would have overwhelming picked sexy/naughty with comedic coming in close second and romantic scraping the bottom.

SURPRISE! Only 10% of the men said they would want a sexy/naughty card. 34% of the men said they would prefer a comedic card and 35% said they would prefer receiving a romantic card. I don’t know what the remaining 21% said, but they were probably Analyticals who said “Don’t get me a card at all—it’s a waste of money.”

I would love to break all of these studies down by social style and see how men and women respond based on their innate social style.


SURVEY SAYS
In our survey, we asked people to indicate whether they were more practical or more romantic. More women than men said they were romantic over practical. Doesn’t that confirm the stereotype? Well it would if we left it at that. Once we examine the social style of the respondents, we see that the more romantic types are the relationship-oriented people and the more practical types are the task-oriented people.

Expressives and Amiables tend to consider themselves more romantic than Drivers and Analyticals do. There were more male Expressives than females that filled out the survey, but there were more female Amiables than male. Overall, there were more female relationship-oriented social styles filling out the survey than male relationship-oriented social styles.

The vast majority of Expressives and Amiables chose romance over practicality, regardless of their gender. The majority of Analyticals and Drivers chose practicality over romance, including the women.


HOW TO SHOW LOVE TO DRIVERS
Drivers are very practical in nature. In fact, they lean towards the cynical side at times when it comes to mushy romance. If things get too emotional, they get uncomfortable. They are not super touchy-feely and prefer you do practical things for them. They are task-oriented, so getting stuff done is high on their list. If you want to show a Driver you care, do what you said you would do, when you said you would do it, how you said it would be done. Follow through on your commitments and be dependable. Take a look at the chart below for a list of things that Drivers value.



HOW TO SHOW LOVE TO EXPRESSIVES
The Expressive loves the fun, exotic, and romantic. They are adventurous and spontaneous. These are not the practical social styles. They want to enjoy life, love, and relationships and if that means being frivolous, then so be it. Expressives love physical touch and contact and that is a great way to show them romance. They also appreciate gifts and surprises. Being the center of attention is fun for them, so parties are always a hit with an Expressive. Take a look at the chart below for a list of things that Expressives value.



HOW TO SHOW LOVE TO ANALYTICALS
The Analytical is very practical. They like having a sense of security and they are concerned about spending money wisely. Buying impractical gifts or being frivolous with an Analytical is not necessary. They are task-oriented like the Driver and appreciate it when you get things done. They also appreciate gifts that are practical (something they can really use). Take a look at the chart below for a list of things that Analyticals value.



HOW TO SHOW LOVE TO AMIABLES
The Amiable prefers romance but is not as vocal about it as an Expressive. Amiables are relationship-oriented, but they are shy and avoid conflict. As a result, they don’t always tell their significant other what they would really like because they don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. They love kind words of appreciation and sincerity. Amiables want to spend quality time with the people they love. Take a look at the chart below for a list of things that Amiables value.



As you can see, not all women are “cuddle bunnies," and not all men shirk affection. Romance comes wrapped in a very different package for each social style. Unfortunately, we tend to show others love and romance in the way we prefer it be shown to us. But if I am an Expressive social style who loves risk, excitement, and adventure, that may not go over well with an Amiable who prefers safe, calm, and quiet. We need to “Do unto others as they would have us do unto them.”

This requires learning the social style of those we care about. It’s very simple and once you get the hang of it, you can identify social style simply by observing behavior. Be sure to look at Appendix A to determine your own social style and the social style of your significant other. Because of secondary social styles, you may find that your Analytical spouse is a little more romantic than the average Analytical. Or you may find that as an Expressive, you aren’t as romantic as most Expressives. What’s important is learning what your partner likes, wants and needs, and then adapting to meet each other’s needs. When you do this, you will find yourself in a much happier relationship.

The best way to find out what your significant other really likes when it comes to romance is to ask. Have him/her write down a list of things that would communicate love and romance. You will probably find it is quite different from you, and not because of gender, but based on social style.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

Melissa was beginning to wonder if Ted was actually paying attention. She was so excited about her new promotion and yet he seemed indifferent. She continued with her story.

“My boss said I was a great team player and I was especially good at motivating people to get involved. He announced my promotion at an all-staff meeting and I could see Janie turning green with envy. She has been sucking up for months trying to get that promotion. Everyone sees right through her. You met her at the company Christmas party three months ago, remember?”

Unfortunately, Ted had already checked out of the conversation and was running through the list of things he had to get done at the office the next day. He suddenly sensed the awkward silence and finally spoke. “That is so great honey. I am really proud. You have worked so hard for this promotion and you certainly deserve it.”

“Have you even been listening to me?” Melissa was visibly annoyed.

“Of course I have.”

“So what I did I just say?”

“You said you got a promotion. I heard you. I am listening!”

“That’s not all I said! I was talking about Janie being jealous. Its obvious you weren’t paying attention.”

Ted was starting to get annoyed himself. “I got the gist of it. Isn’t your promotion the most important aspect of what you were talking about? Why do you have to get hung up on the little details. Just cut to the chase and give me the bottom line.”

“You know what? Just forget it. It’s obviously not important enough to you for you to listen.” Melissa stormed out of the room thinking, what a typical guy! He never listens!

Ted was left in the room thinking, what a typical woman. Blah blah blah blah! Why can’t she just get to the point?


Frequent scenarios like this feed the gender stereotype that women are great listeners and men tune you out. In the real-life situation above, as it turns out, they both stink at listening. One was an Expressive (Melissa) and the other one was a Driver (Ted). A natural ability to be a better listener comes with an Amiable or Analytical social style (at least they appear to be better listeners because they don’t talk as much or interrupt as much as Drivers and Expressives). Drivers and Expressives tend to interrupt, interject, or talk over the top of you. Even if they have learned to not do those things, they are usually still not listening—they are just waiting to talk.

When you are talking to a Driver like Ted, the first and foremost thing on their mind is “Does your train of thought have a caboose?!” Drivers do not like to engage in long and drawn out stories. Expressives are impatient when it comes to listening and they want their turn. They love stories, but they prefer to be the one telling it. Amiables listen very well and don’t want to be rude by interrupting or correcting people. They just want everyone to get along. Analyticals listen well but would prefer to not be engaged in a long conversation if they have a task that needs to be done.

Men have really been raked over the coals on this stereotype. You see it in movies, commercials and sitcoms. You hear about it in everyday conversations. Studies continue to emerge telling us why men have problems listening (of course it starts with the premise that men don’t listen).

One study asserts that men listen primarily with the left side of the brain while women listen with both sides. They go on to state that the right side of the brain attaches emotional meaning to words and that “may” be why women listen better (again, making the assumption that women actually do listen better), and “may” be causing men to tune out (making the assumption that all men tune women out). There’s just one very big problem with this: not all men have a problem listening. Some experts would assert that these men are the exception, but there are far too many exceptions out there to ignore.

Men have been portrayed as insensitive jerks who don’t listen to the needs of their sweet, tender, sensitive, emotional wives or girlfriends. Men just tune them out. Yes, there are men who don’t listen, but reality check folks: there are women who don’t listen too. It’s much more of a social style and skill development issue than a gender issue.


MEN WANT TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS AND WOMEN JUST WANT TO BE HEARD
Let’s look at another myth that is intertwined with the listening myth. The myth states that all men want to fix your problems when you talk to them and women just want to be heard.

When you share something with Drivers or Expressives, they have an instant urge to give you advice, tell you what to do, and solve the problem. This is true whether the Driver or Expressive is a male or a female. How many times have you heard someone complain about the mother-in-law always giving unwanted advice or that female friend who won’t just listen but insists on trying to solve the problem? It happens all the time. It is not a gender issue here, it’s a social style issue. Analyticals and Amiables are better about not pushing their thoughts and opinions on others. Drivers and Expressives need to work on it.


THE MYTH
Men want to fix everything and solve your problems when you talk to them and women just want to be heard

THE TRUTH
Drivers and Expressives feel the need to give you their advice and opinions. Analyticals and Amiables are better at just listening to you.


SURVEY SAYS
In our survey, we asked people to select “true” or “false” after reading the following statement: “I am often accused of being a poor listener.” More men than women said they were accused of being poor listeners. Once again, if we left the research at that, we could confirm that women are better listeners than men. Instead, we have to dig deeper into social style again to discover the real truth.

Drivers and Expressives do not listen as well as Amiables and Analyticals. More Drivers and Expressives filled out the survey than Amiables or Analyticals. Additionally, there were more male Drivers and Expressives than female who filled out the survey. The respondents who said they had difficulty listening were mostly Drivers and Expressives. An interesting piece of data that came out of the survey was this: of the respondents who said they were not poor listeners but emerged as a Driver or an Expressive were all over the age of fifty. Interesting. Is it possible that as people mature and learn better skills, they can become better listeners even if it doesn’t come naturally for them? I think so.


See the chart below for a summary of the different social styles when it comes to communication.
 
Communication Tendencies of the Four Social Styles

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

It’s no surprise that this gender stereotype has been widely held throughout society. Men have traditionally held most of the leadership roles all the way up to the President of the United States. It has been a cultural norm for men to take the leadership role in many circumstances. As a result, an assumption has emerged that men are just natural leaders and women were born to be followers.

Some “experts” have perpetuated this myth by claiming a variety of factors that contribute to women not having a natural ability to lead. These include:

o    Women are not as ambitious as men
o    Women are not risk takers so they don’t make good leaders
o    Women tend to avoid confrontation because of their hormones and they try to keep peace (all of the men reading this are laughing and thinking “WOW! You have obviously never met my woman!”)
o    Women are not as motivated as men
o    Women go against their own feminine nature when they try to lead
o    Women are too introverted to lead

Many of the reasons given for certain stereotypes contradict each other. For example, one stereotype asserts that women are too introverted, acquiescing, and apathetic to be leaders. They just aren’t as assertive as men. Yet another gender stereotype (by some of the same people who claim the first) will state that women advance in conflict (assertiveness) and men retreat to their caves (introversion). And we wonder why people are still confused about “gender issues.”

Take a look at the list of reasons above that have been attributed to women not being suited for leadership. Each one of them is attributable to social style, not gender. Let’s take a look at each one:

Ambition
A natural tendency towards ambition exists in Driver and Expressive social styles. Analyticals and Amiables tend to gravitate more toward stability and security.

Risk-Taking
This aspect of leadership follows ambition. Most people who are ambitious are willing to take risks. The risk-taking social styles are the Drivers and Expressives. Again, the Analyticals and Amiables tend to gravitate toward safety, not risk.
 
Dealing with Confrontation
This gender myth about women has to be the biggest joke of them all. The idea that women can’t excel in leadership positions because they don’t like to deal with conflict is laughable. Yes, there are some women (just as there are some men) who hate conflict, but it is not a gender issue—it’s a social style issue.

Amiables and Analyticals avoid conflict. It makes them feel uncomfortable and they would rather not deal with it. Amiables will give in to keep the peace and Analyticals will withdrawal to save face. You can easily see this tendency in both men and women who fall into these social style categories.

Drivers and Expressives do not mind confrontation. In fact, sometimes they look for it. They are assertive in nature, opinionated, and they do not have a problem telling people what they think.

Motivation
Motivation is similar to ambition. Some people view motivation as the desire to get things done and get them done quickly. All four social styles are motivated by different things and to different levels. When it comes to getting things done quickly, the Driver and Expressive tend to dominate that category (to the point of rash decisions at times). Analyticals and Amiables are more methodical and tend to take longer to get things done. Drivers are considered highly motivated people who are usually the most productive of the four social styles (often accused of being “work-a-holics”).

Nature
The idea that women will go against their own feminine nature if they try to lead is absurd. If a woman is born a Driver or an Expressive, her nature will gravitate towards taking the lead in many situations. She may choose not to take on a leadership role for a variety of reasons, but that doesn’t mean she is void of the desire to lead.

Introversion
Studies have indicated that people who are overly introverted and asocial do not excel in leadership roles. The connection is then made to women with the assumption that women are more introverted than men and therefore will not do as well in a leadership role.

Those who embrace the idea that women, by and large, are introverted have never had a conversation with the countless Expressive and Driver women in the world.

Assertiveness, extroversion and introversion are all attributable to social style, not gender. There are plenty of introverted men who do not do as well in social situations or certain leadership roles as someone who is social and extroverted would.

Drivers and Expressives are the extroverts while Amiables and Analyticals are the introverts. It’s not about gender, it’s about social style.

So does all of this mean Analyticals and Amiables can’t be great leaders? Not at all. Many of the qualities of great leaders can be attributable to behaviors. Even with the natural traits that your social style ingrained within you, there is still free choice in regards to behavior. All four social styles can be in leadership roles and each style brings different traits to the table. “Experts” have often made the mistake of claiming that your leadership style is dictated by your gender.


SURVEY SAYS
In our gender survey, we asked people if they tend to lead or follow. More men than women said they tend to lead. If we left it there, we could just reaffirm that men are natural leaders and women are natural followers. But once again, we need to dig deeper into the social style of the respondents. As stated earlier, more Drivers and Expressives filled out the survey than Amiables or Analyticals. Additionally, there were more male Drivers and Expressives than female.

The vast majority of people who said they tend to lead were Drivers and Expressives, regardless of gender. The majority of those who said they tend to follow turned out to be Amiable or Analytical in social style. While you will find all four social styles in leadership positions, Drivers and Expressives tend to want to take the lead more naturally while Analyticals and Amiables don’t mind surrendering the lead to others.

Most of the respondents who fell outside the norm had a secondary social style of Driver or Expressive. For example, if an Analytical answered that they tend to lead, the secondary social style was either Driver or Expressive, not Amiable.


IT MORE ABOUT SOCIAL STYLE
As you can see, leadership is not about gender, it’s about social style. All four styles can be in a leadership position and they each bring different strengths and weaknesses to the table. Some of the very traits that have been attributable to women can be found in the different social styles and manifest themselves in males as well. Conversely, some of the traits that have been attributable to just men can be found in the different social styles and seen in women who possess those social styles. So as you can see, your style of leadership is not dictated by your gender—it’s dictated by your social style. And even then, you can choose behavior that does not come naturally to you. It just takes a little practice. Okay… it takes a lot of practice. See the chart below for a summary of the social style leadership attributes.


-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

Marcus rushed home from the airport hoping to get the computer room organized. This was his quiet place of refuge after a long day and he considered it his home office. Normally, he knew exactly where everything was and everything had its own little place. His business journals were stacked on the upper right corner of the desk. The stapler and tape dispenser were neatly aligned just below the journals. A small picture frame of his family was positioned on the upper left corner of the desk. The top drawer of his desk contained all of his home finance files including previous tax returns and financial statements. The bottom drawer was filled with clearly marked files that ranged from “Current Projects” to “College Cost Comparisons for Children” to “Consumer Reports.” Normally, when Marcus walked into the computer room everything would be exactly as he left it. But today would be different.

Marcus had been out of town for five days and his sister had come to visit his wife Carmen while he was away. His sister had two teenage daughters who loved to spend hours on MySpace and Marcus knew they probably ransacked his computer room. Carmen didn’t seem to understand his need to have everything so perfect and she let her nieces hang out in the computer room while he was away.

When Marcus walked through the door he immediately tripped over a backpack left lying near the entry. Trying to hide his frustration, he picked up the backpack, set it on a chair and proceeded to give his wife a hug.

“How was your trip?” Carmen was excited to have him home.

“It was the same as always.”

“Did you get to show them your new ideas for the software updates?”

“Yeah. They liked it.” Marcus seemed a little distracted.

“That’s great honey. Listen, your sister went to the mall with the girls to do some school shopping. Do you want to have some coffee and catch up on what’s been going on?”

“Actually, can we do that later? I would really like to get some things organized in the office and get a couple of things off my plate so I can relax.” Carmen forced a smile and nodded understandingly as Marcus turned toward the computer room.

His steps slowed as he neared the door. His heart started to beat a little faster as he feared what might be behind that door. His hand reached for the door knob as he drew in a long breath. He held his breath in anticipation as his hand turned the knob and the door inched its way open. He could no longer stand the suspense so he thrust the door completely open. The music from “Psycho” rang in his head as his eyes darted around the room. His worst nightmare was unfolding. The stapler was on the floor. His journals were scattered across the desk. Pens were out of their container. Yellow sticky notes with drawings and smiley faces stuck to his computer screen. He could feel the veins protruding in his neck!

As Marcus began to put everything back in its place, Carmen entered the room.

“Is everything all right honey?”

“Yeah it’s fine Carmen. I just need to get some things done.”

“Okay… well is there anything I can do to help?”

“Nope.” Marcus didn’t even look up as he continued to reorganize his office.

Carmen left the room thinking, “Typical male. Comes home, goes into his cave, and doesn’t even want to talk.”

UNRAVELING THE SCENARIO

As we look at this real life scenario (names have been changed), we begin to see where some gender stereotypes can be perpetuated while others don’t make sense. For example, this situation would appear to confirm that women talk more than men; women want relationships and men want to accomplish tasks; women pursue and men withdraw; or women want to talk at the end of the day and men want to retreat to their caves.

A deeper look into social style better explains the actions that are taking place. Additionally, once we examine and evaluate the social style of each person here, we can start to understand why they are behaving the way they are. As we do this, we see that gender is not the driving issue—social style is.

I conducted a social style survey/evaluation on Carmen and Marcus to confirm their respective social styles. I had a pretty good idea of what their social styles were by listening to their scenarios and observing their behavior, but having the confirmation always makes it easier to get them to understand why they do the things they do.

Marcus came out as an Analytical social style and Carmen came out Expressive. They are complete opposites. See chart below.



When we look at their situation under the magnifying glass of social style, everything starts to make sense. Analyticals are very organized people. They don’t like their stuff moved and they don’t like chaos. The Analytical knows exactly where to find everything. And they want it left there. Analyticals are by nature task-oriented which means they gravitate towards getting tasks completed before socializing. In fact, Analyticals would prefer to stay clear of super social situations as they feel uncomfortable and awkward in those environments. Analyticals also avoid conflict and would prefer to just keep things inside because they are introverted in nature and think some things are just better left unsaid.

Marcus is a very strong Analytical. He shared that he actually feels immense stress when things are disorganized. One of his major frustrations was having a wife who left things lying around, let the kids leave things strewn throughout the house (like the backpack at the door), and seemed to be in a constant state of chaos.

Carmen saw things a little differently. She said it wasn’t chaos at all. It just wasn’t important to her to have everything in its perfect place. She hated routines and schedules and wanted lots of spontaneity. She said she was frustrated with Marcus and his need for routine, predictability, and constant order. She wanted to have more fun, talk more, and socialize with their friends more.

Carmen is a typical Expressive. It’s not because she’s a woman that she wants to be more social, it’s because she’s an Expressive. Her disorganization defies the gender myth that men are slobs and women are neat. Maybe some would argue that she is an anomaly. I would have to respectfully disagree.

Expressives who do not have a strong element of Driver or Analytical to them tend to be disorganized overall. Their priority is to save energy and there are much more fun things to be doing in life than keeping everything in its exact place (at least that’s their line of thinking.).


Who's the Talker?

You will see Josh and Bri pop up in quite a few examples. One of the reasons is because they are exact opposites in social style. Another reason is they defy many of the gender stereotypes and would appear to confirm some of the stereotypes if you didn’t understand social style. A third reason is I have frequent interaction with them so I am able to observe their behavior on an ongoing basis.

When it comes to the stereotype of men being slobs and women being neat, it would appear that Josh and Bri fit the mold. Bri keeps the house very clean. When it’s not clean, she feels stressed. When Josh doesn’t pick up after himself, she feels frustrated. Josh can’t seem to understand why Bri needs to have the dinner dishes cleaned and put away before everyone has even left the table. He offers to do the dishes later, but later to Bri means she has to look at them stacked in the sink getting crusty and it stresses her out. She wants them done right away.

Josh leaves his towel on the bathroom floor. Bri hangs hers on the hook. Josh leaves clothes lying around the bedroom while Bri puts them in their respective places. Josh leaves his hair gel and shaving cream sitting out on the counter. Bri prefers to have the bathroom counter clean. Josh leaves his mail sitting on the kitchen table. Bri bought him a mail basket but he doesn’t like it—he needs to see the mail to remind him that it needs to be processed. While they adore each other, they can’t always understand why the other can’t be more like them.

An outsider might say, “Well Josh is a guy and men are slobs and women are neat so just deal with it.” That’s not the case. Josh is an Expressive and organized perfection is not a priority for him. Bri is an Analytical and she can be obsessive about having things clean and organized. So it’s not a matter of gender, it’s a matter of social style. And while social style is innate and ingrained, we can still choose our behaviors.

So even though it isn’t a priority for Josh to have things as clean as Bri, he still makes an effort to go beyond his comfort zone and put things away or do the dishes sooner. And even though Bri’s natural reaction is to want to have everything clean and perfect immediately, she still makes an effort to socialize and have fun with Josh when she can hear the dishes calling her name.

Understanding social style helps you to identify innate differences and make behavior changes to accommodate each other. If you continue to attribute gender stereotypical myths to the opposite sex, you may find yourself trying to make accommodations that don’t apply. In this situation, it would appear that men are slobs and women are neat, but our beginning story of Marcus and Carmen reveal otherwise.


SURVEY SAYS

In our survey, we didn’t ask people how many hours a week are spent on household chores. Instead, we asked respondents to mark true or false to the following statement: “I keep things very neat, clean and organized.”

More men than women said they were neat, clean and organized. In all fairness, more men than women responded to the survey (219 males versus 203 females). One sector that we sent an email announcement to regarding the online survey was the fire service. There are predominately more males than females in the fire service.

Most of the respondents who said they were neat, clean and organized were either Analyticals or Drivers. The vast majority of those who said they were not neat, clean and organized were Expressives and Amiables. Some of the secondary social styles played into the responses, but overall gender did not appear to be a determining factor in whether people were neat or slobs.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

This is the biggest, most widely accepted and widely spread gender lie of them all. That’s why I am tackling it first and spending some time to dispel this mindless myth.

First of all, why has this become such an accepted stereotype? To begin with,when we hear something often enough, we start to believe it. Think about all the things you heard and believed as a kid (and maybe still do). “If you swallow gum, it will take years to come out.” Not true. It comes out like any other indigestible item you swallow.

When a rumor, legend, or tall tale spreads enough, we come to accept it. This is how we have come to accept the blatant lie that women talk more than men. There are even well-known experts who continue to quote statistics that are not backed by actual studies. Some experts claim that women talk a staggering 20,000 words per day while men only eek out 7,000. Yet there is no actual study to back up this ludicrous claim. Other experts have claimed that women use7,000 words per day and men use 2,000. Still another expert has said women use 25,000 words per day and men only 12,000. One expert has even attributed women with 50,000 words per day and men with only 25,000. So which is it folks? None of the above. As it turns out, every time I try to substantiate these numbers,I have found something interesting. None of the experts using the numbers have conducted studies counting the number of words used by men and women, nor do they cite anyone who has actually counted the number.

This is not to say that studies have not been done, because they have. There have been many studies on how much women talk versus how much men talk. Two Canadian researchers (Deborah James and Janice Drakich) did a study on this very topic and a review of the literature available. With all of the studies that have been conducted, it turns out that men and women talk about the same amount of time (although it may vary with the cultural or social setting).

Another study was conducted in July of 2007 on 345 students at the University of Texas. The students were strapped with a recording device that captured the number of words they spoke per day on average. The researchers found that both men and women speak about 16,000 words per day. This was on average, because there were actually three people in the study who talked over 47,000 words per day and all three of them were men. But the student who averaged the lowest (only 700 words per day) was also a man.Its not the gender that dictates how much someone talks as you will discover in this chapter.

Think about this for a minute: If we had put Joan Rivers and Gerald Ford in a room together, who would talk more? I think most people would agree that it would be Joan Rivers. Ah ha! So that proves it women talk more than men. Not so fast Joan Rivers would talk more because she is an Expressive, not because she’s a woman. Gerald Ford would talk less because he was an Amiable, not because he was a man.

What if we had put Princess Dianna in a room with Robin Williams, who would talk more? It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that Robin Williams would talk much more as an Expressive. Gender doesn’t dictate how much someone talks social style does.

If we had put Jerry Lewis in a room with Mother Theresa, Jerry would have done most of the talking because he’s Expressive. If we put Ronald Reagan in a room with Jackie Onassis Kennedy, Reagan would also talk more as an Expressive.

If we had put Richard Nixon in a room with Nicole Kidman, Nixon would win the talking contest because he’s a Driver. Drivers tend to dominate conversations,as do Expressives. The difference is usually what they talk about and their style. Expressives are more relationship-oriented so they tend to talk more about people and fun topics. They use a lot of humor, tell a lot of stories and tend to be more demonstrative in their gestures. Drivers are more task-oriented, so they tend to talk about more serious subjects and like to debate people on controversial issues. They will make intense eye contact with people and don’t have a problem saying what they think.

Amiables and Analyticals on the other hand do not like conflict. As a result,they tend to withhold their opinions more to lessen the tension in a conversation. They are more reserved in nature, so they don’t feel the need to talk as much as Drivers and Expressives. Amiables are relationship-oriented, so they like to talk about friends, relationships, their family, etc. Analyticals like to analyze topics and conversations.

Expressives and Drivers will always dominate most conversations while Amiables and Analyticals will yield the floor. It doesn’t matter what gender they are.Actually, they are just a microcosm of society in general. Some men are Expressives, some are Drivers, some are Amiables, and some are Analyticals. Just look into your own family and circle of friends. Then identify social style, not gender. You’ll discover that your Driver and Expressive friends or family members do most of the talking, regardless of gender.

Who's the Talker?
Let me give you a real-life example of a couple. Josh is an Expressive social style and Bri is an Analytical. Experts would tell us that women talk more than men, so Bri should be the talker of the two. The truth is Josh has been talking non-stop since he learned how to say “Da Da.” He’s been an Expressive since the day he was born and if there’s no one around to talk to, hell talk to himself.

Bri on the other hand, is an Analytical and will let Josh do most of the talking. When they are out with a group of friends, she tends to be shier and lets him be the center of attention. This has nothing to do with their genders and everything to do with their social styles.

Some people may retort, “Well those guys are exceptions and anomalies, not the rule.” This is not the case. Thousands and thousands of other couples are just like Josh and Bri. My research, interviews, and studies have confirmed this,and if you start taking the time to observe behavior in others, you will notice the same thing.

SURVEY SAYS
I conducted an online and in-person survey that produced 422 responses. I had the respondents answer questions that would identify their social style so I would know whether they were an Analytical, Driver, Amiable, or Expressive. Then I proceeded to ask other questions to determine what differences might be attributable to gender and which ones might be attributable to social style. The survey is just one of the tools I used to confirm my assertion that many of the behaviors we attribute to gender are actually attributable to social style. I have also conducted interviews with a wide range of people and some of those will be shared throughout the book as well.

On the survey, the respondents were asked to choose between the two following statements: “I don’t talk a lot” and “I tend to talk a lot.” They were also asked this question: “In your closest relationship with someone of the opposite sex, who does more of the talking, you or the other person?” (I also gave the option to select “We talk about the same amount of time.”) The results did not come as any surprise to me but I do think the results will come as a surprise to all those experts out there who keep telling people that women talk more than men.

More men than women selected the options “I talk a lot” or “I talk more.” So if we left the study at that, we could just conclude that men talk more than women. But that would be an incomplete evaluation of the real truth. When we look deeper and account for social style, we notice that more Drivers and Expressives filled out the survey than Amiables and Analyticals. Additionally,there were more male Drivers and Expressives than female Drivers and Expressives. This would logically account for the fact that more men said they talked more because Drivers and Expressives talk more than Amiables and Analyticals. There were more Driver and Expressive men filling out the survey than Driver or Expressive women.

When we dissect the responses further, nearly all of the men who said they talked more were Drivers or Expressives. The same applied to the women. The men and women who said they talked less in the relationship turned out to be Analyticals or Amiables, just as I anticipated. So the amount of talking in a relationship was not attributable to gender at all; it was attributable to social style.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

As I start dissecting these gender myths for you, I want you to try and clear your mind of all the stereo types you’ve been fed your whole life. Once you set those aside, you can objectively evaluate yourself and others around you. In some cases, you may find that the gender stereotype actually fits you (maybe you’re a woman and you like to talk a lot). If that’s the case, I will show you how that is mostly attributable to your social style, not your gender. However, as you begin to apply common sense with behavior observation, you will discover that many of your male friends and associates like to talk just as much as you do. That’s because they have the same social style as you. It’s not because they are the same gender or the opposite gender.

If you’re a man and you get a lot of self-fulfillment out of accomplishing things, you may think you fit the gender mold. I will show you how that is more attributable to your social style. As you start to observe behavior around you and dismiss gender myths,you’ll notice something. Many of your female friends and associates also get a tremendous amount of self-fulfillment out of accomplishing tasks or progressing in their careers. That’s because these women have the same social style as you do.

By setting aside your preconditioned ideas about gender, your common sense will kick in as you start to really observe normal behavior in others. You’ll see for yourself that these gender myths just don’t fit everyone, whereas the social style theory does.

I challenge you as you read the following myths to re-think your views on gender stereotypes. I am confident you will discover what I have discovered: we have been fed gender lies most of our lives.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men are Slobs, Women are Neat… and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships  (co-author Bob Phillips) 

 
 

This is another area where movies have painted women as indecisive and men as impatient. You often see a man and a woman trying to make a buying decision and the woman just can’t seem to make up her mind. The man is seen crossing his arms and tapping his foot, fuming with impatience. He finally bursts out with,“Would you please make up your mind?!”

 

Well,that’s just not reality. The ability to make quick decisions is determined by social style and not gender. Drivers and Expressives are very quick decision makers. Drivers would rather make a bad decision than no decision, and they base their decisions on intuition. They process information quickly and do not need a lot of detail before making a decision. Drivers become annoyed and impatient with the social styles that are indecisive.

 

Expressives also decide quickly but their decisions are usually based on impulse. They accept conclusions easily and make decisions rapidly. They can also become impatient with slow decision makers. Whether it is a male or female Driver or Expressive, decisions will be made quickly!

 

Analyticals and Amiables are much more reluctant to make decisions and they would be the ones who are told to make up their minds. The person telling them is usually a Driver or an Expressive. Analyticals would rather make no decision than make a bad decision. They want all of the facts before they decide, and even then, they may want more time.

 

Amiables are fearful of making the wrong decision and being rejected for it. They hate conflict, and sometimes making a decision causes conflict. When you ask them what they want to do, they are usually the ones replying, “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” Drivers especially become impatient with Amiables because they appear as if they won’t take a stand. Amiables are usually the ones saying,“It’s just not worth the conflict.”

 

Again,there are many differences between men and women that can be attributed to gender. However, many of the stereotypical myths that establish differences between the sexes are not gender differences. Those differences are social-style differences and can be observed in males and females.

 

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips) 

 
 

Movies are notorious for stereotyping women as always being late. The man comes to pick her up for a date and she’s still putting on her make-up. The guy is trying to rush out the door and the woman is taking her sweet time. The woman is always harried and rushing to work. Myths! All myths!

 

The truth is—it depends on the social style. Drivers are almost never late, whether male or female. They are not necessarily overly early either. They are usually right on time or just a few minutes late. Drivers become very irritated with others who are habitually late, especially if they are kept waiting.

 

Analyticals are usually early. They will arrive at important meetings fifteen to twenty minutes early and will be ready to go. They don’t particularly appreciate people who do not take time into consideration, although they are not impatient like the Driver. Whether male or female, you will usually not have to wait on an Analytical.

 

Amiables are more lax about time and are usually running behind or late. They will normally apologize and feel bad as they offer an excuse for their tardiness.Their nature is more spirit of the law than letter of the law like the Driver and Analytical. Amiables usually won’t change their behavior in this area but will feel bad if it makes someone else upset.

 

Expressives are usually late like the Amiables, but they don’t feel bad about it and don’t offer a reason. They live very much by the spirit of the law and really don’t see it as that big of a deal. They get sidetracked with talking and socializing and forget that they needed to be somewhere fifteen minutes ago. Expressive males are no exception to this rule and they will be the ones to keep a Driver female waiting.

 

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips) 

 

Women are often painted with the brush of creativity and flair. Women are viewed as the ones who like “foofy” things with lots of color and flair. Men on the other hand, are viewed as dull and unable to appreciate the softer things in life.

 

Once again,it’s a social-style issue. Expressives are the ones with a real flair for the creative. They have wild imaginations and love vivid color. It doesn’t matter if they are male or female—it’s in their nature. There is never a dull moment with the Expressive, whether male or female. Amiables tend to avoid drawing attention to themselves and are less flamboyant than Expressives. Amiables do enjoy sentimental things and are creative about displaying family photos and mementos. They love to give and receive handmade gifts.

 

Drivers appear to be the least interested in sentimental things. You won’t usually find a female Driver with a “foofy” house or office. They usually prefer more power symbols than symbols of “softness.” Analyticals can be viewed as dull at times due to their reserved nature and soft-spoken tone. They do have great taste for quality and like customized things. Analyticals often have a creative side to them that not everyone sees. They can be very musical, poetic, and appreciative of beauty. Again, whether male or female, the social styles have unique characteristics that transcend the gender stereotypes.

 

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-authorBob Phillips)   

 
 

Women are often viewed as the ones who want to curl up on the couch, sipping tea, and watching a “chick flick” with another person nearby. Men, conversely, are viewed as wanting to go out to the garage and work on the car or get some important projects done.

 

This carries over into the work place as well. Women are stereotyped as being the ones who want to stand around and gossip over coffee, while men have important tasks that need to get accomplished. As with every other gender myth, it is asocial-style issue and not a gender issue.

 

Expressives and Amiables are relationship-oriented and like doing anything that involves other people. Amiables especially like activities that involve people they know and are comfortable with. Expressives like the new and daring and will gravitate towards any activities that involve people in general. Both Amiables and Expressives like open displays of affection. This relationship-oriented nature can be found in both male and female Expressives and Amiables.

 

Drivers and Analyticals are the task-oriented ones. They are usually thinking about projects that need to get done instead of relationships that need attention.They don’t get all mushy over movies and it doesn’t matter if they are female—they are still task-oriented. They become easily annoyed with people at work who spend too much time talking and not enough time creating results or planning for the future. They are not as open and free with displays of affection as the Amiables and Expressives.

 

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-authorBob Phillips) 

 
 

Here’s another big myth that gets perpetuated by society. Any of the four social styles can function in a leadership position but some are more natural born leaders than others. Gender is not the issue here, social style is.

 

Drivers are natural born leaders who actually have a difficult time being followers. It doesn’t matter if they are male or female—all Drivers seem to gravitate towards leadership positions or positions of authority.

 

Amiables are reluctant leaders and actually prefer to follow when possible. They don’t like the spotlight and they prefer that others receive the public recognition and praise. Amiables tend to stress about some of the difficult decisions that come with leadership positions because they don’t like to step on people’s toes. This is true of male or female Amiables.

 

Analyticals and Expressives don’t mind positions of leadership although their styles will differ greatly. Expressives prefer the leadership role if it means lots of social interaction. Analyticals on the other hand prefer the planning,organizing, and structure aspects of leadership. They love establishing policies and procedures but struggle with the decisiveness that is necessary in leadership. Again, it’s not a gender issue, but a social-style issue.

 

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-authorBob Phillips) 

 
 

Men really get a bad rap in this area. You’ve probably heard it said many times (or maybe you’ve said it): “Men are such slobs.” Some men are, but so are some women. It depends on the social style. Analyticals are clean freaks. They want everything in the proper place and keep a very neat and tidy work area. They also like things picked up around the house and hate clutter. Analytical men are very neat and orderly, just as Analytical women are.

 

Drivers are very organized and can whip things into shape in a matter of seconds. They don’t need everything to be completely in order, but they do appreciate structure and control. They like to save time, so they want things where they can find them. You will not find their work areas or houses in complete disarray.

 

Amiables don’t place total cleanliness and organization at the very top of their priority lists. They tend to be apathetic about things like that and are often viewed by Drivers or Analyticals as being too lazy. If they feel a mess or disorganization is bothering someone, they may rectify it just to avoid the potential conflict.

 

Expressives just want to have fun, and structure and an orderly environment is not fun for them. A high priority is saving effort, so if they feel the need to clean an area, tossing things in a nearby drawer or closet is a viable alternative. They have plenty of energy but would rather spend it socializing than cleaning up.

 

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-authorBob Phillips) 

 
 

This is another well-known myth that is attributed to the genders. Women are categorized as creatures that want to come home and have small talk all evening about their day. Men are stereotyped as creatures that want to come home and be left alone.

 

The truth is—it depends on the social style. Drivers do not like small talk, whether male or female. They really want someone to get to the point. They are the ones who come home from work and prefer to be left alone for awhile.

 

Analyticals on the other hand, tend to belabor a point with too much detail. That’s not to say that they enjoy a lot of small talk, but when they do tell a story they give much more detail than a Driver wants to hear. Additionally, when the Driver is telling the story, the Analytical is constantly stopping them and asking for details that the Driver often leaves out in a rush to get to the point.

 

Expressives love to talk. It doesn’t matter if it is a male or female. They want to talk about their day, everyone else’s day, and what’s going on in the world. They will talk to anyone who will listen. They can talk at high speeds of 200 mph with gusts up to 300. They like chitchat and love to make small talk. They will get involved in any conversation.

 

Amiables love to listen. They appreciate the interaction between two people and need to know that they are loved and accepted. If they spend too much time around someone who never wants to talk, they may think they did something wrong and become depressed. Again, it doesn’t matter if it’s male or female—it’s a social-style issue.

 

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-authorBob Phillips) 

 
 

Society often paints a picture of men being the independent sex while women are needy and clingy. Independence is more of a social-style issue than a gender issue. Drivers and Analyticals are task-oriented instead of relationship-oriented. As a result, they do not depend on relationships as much as Expressives and Amiables do.

 

Drivers and Analyticals tend to receive a fair amount of fulfillment from projects and tasks. Driver and Analytical women are not clingy and needy and are often viewed as very independent (especially Drivers). This independent nature is visible in male and female Drivers and Analyticals. Gender is not the driving force; social style is.

 

Expressives and Amiables are much more relationship-oriented than task-oriented. As a result, they often depend more on relationships for fulfillment in their lives. Amiables especially tend to be more dependent, whether they are male or female. Expressives and Amiables want a lot of interaction and involvement with the people in their lives. That makes them appear needier to the Drivers and Analyticals. Again, gender is not the issue, social style is.

 

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-authorBob Phillips) 

 
 

This is a myth that is continually supported by advertisers and society in general. The fact is, the four social styles all approach shopping a little differently, and it has nothing to do with gender.

 

Analyticals don’t mind shopping because they like to compare prices. They will examine every item in the store and compare it to other stores. Analyticals will drive clear across town to save twenty cents on an item. They do a lot of research on big-ticket items and don’t mind spending all day shopping to make sure they got the best deal and the best quality. Men are no exception to this rule.Analytical men price shop just as much as Analytical women.

 

Drivers do not like shopping at all. They view it as a necessary task that must be done,and will get in and out as quickly as possible. They often shop with a certain amount of resentment. They hate being bothered by salespeople. They want to beleft alone to find what they are looking for and move on to the next task.Women are no exception. Driver women do not like to shop. They do not like to clip coupons and they do not fit the mold that “women like to shop.”

 

Amiables like to shop, and salespeople easily sway them. They will even buy things they don’t need to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. They have a hard time saying no to a pushy sales clerk. Amiables prefer to go shopping with others, not for the shopping, but so they can spend time with other people. Whether the Amiable is a male or female is irrelevant.

 

Expressives like to shop and buy things on impulse. They loves sales and they don’t mind spending all day shopping as long as they can interact with other people and have a great time. They are easily distracted and sometimes forget what it was they came shopping for. Male Expressives are no exception—they like shopping and socializing and will not fit into the stereotypical mold that “men hate to shop.”

 

Shopping is not a gender issue; it’s a social-style issue. The different social styles respond differently to the idea of shopping whether they are male or female. So if you enjoy shopping and you’re a male, go for it! If you hate shopping and you’re a female, don’t feel guilty about it (not that you would anyway if you’re a Driver!). Be comfortable with your unique social style.

 

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-authorBob Phillips) 

 
 

This is probably the most common myth that continues to spread from generation to generation. It’s a very dangerous myth as well because it erodes the self-esteem and positive identity of those who do not fit nicely into the gender stereotype. The truth is much different than the myth.

 

Expressives and Amiables are more emotional in nature while Drivers and Analyticals are not. It doesn’t matter if they are male or female. Young Expressive and Amiable males are often labeled as “cry babies” when they display emotion. As a result,as they grow older, they may adopt conditioned behavior that suppresses the expression of those emotions. The emotional nature is still there. Expressives and Amiables are more sensitive to the feelings of others. They believe in the free expression of feelings. The Expressive social style is just more flamboyant in the expression of emotion than the Amiable.

 

Expressive and Amiable males are often dubbed as being “sensitive,” or in touch with their“ feminine side.” Hogwash! They are simply more emotional by nature and are driven more by feelings than logic. They may hide it in public or around people they don’t know in order to avoid the social teasing that comes with male emotions, but the emotions are still there.

 

Drivers and Analyticals are less emotional by nature and are often annoyed with overemotional displays (disclaimer: the exception would be female Drivers and Analyticals with PMS—they may show more emotion than usual as hormones fluctuate).Male Drivers and Analyticals are socially acceptable as being low on emotion.The females are often dubbed as “hard-hearted,” because they don’t fit the stereotypical myth of being an “emotional female.”

 

Driver and Analytical moms tend to be less tolerant of emotional children and may say things like, “You’re fine, brush yourself off,” or “Stop crying before I give you something to cry about.” Drivers are especially notorious for being intolerant of too much emotion.

 

As you can now see, it doesn’t matter if you are male or female. The emotional aspect of your nature has more to do with your social style than your gender.


-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

Men are such slobs! I spent the entire day picking up all of the junk Sal left in the conference room. His desk is always a mess, and he is the most disorganized manager I have ever seen, Betty said, as she and Sally were waiting at the fax machine for their documents to come through.

Yeah, its a guy thing. Tom is the same way. Yesterday I found fourteen dirty paper coffee cups stacked up on the shelf behind his desk. He has yellow sticky notes all over the wall, and I don't know how he keeps anything straight. Bottom line: men are slobs.

Meanwhile, Sal and Tom were standing in the conference room shooting wadded up pieces of paper into the corner trashcan. What is it with women? Tom asked. It seems like they are always nitpicking everything we do. I wont come out and call them nags, but they sure are verbally repetitive! I think they just want to spoil our fun and try to keep us in line. Its a female control thing.

Its a chick thing, no doubt, Sal agreed, as his shot hit the side of the wall and banked into the trashcan. But its not like we can say anything about it because they will get all emotional and cry on us! Tom started laughing as he attempted a shot over his shoulder. He missed.

There are some obvious major differences between men and women. Some people attempt to ignore or negate any differences and lump the genders into one big class. On the other hand, some people attribute differences between men and women that are not gender differences they are social-style differences. Some of these differences have been categorized to either men or women. So when society continues to teach that women are emotional and men aren't, emotional men think something is wrong with them. Check in next week as we begin to dispel many of the gender myths that have been perpetuated by society.


-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

To view Kim's popular 3-minute "Up Time" video, CLICK BELOW!


 

There are two combinations of social styles that have nothing in common when it comes to pace and priority and therefore end up with double trouble when it comes to tension and conflict. The first combination is the Driver and the Amiable.

The Driver is a teller and is task-oriented. The Amiable is an asker and is relationship-oriented. The two will experience tension and conflict in both pace and priority. The Driver is very fast-paced and focused on work or other projects. The Amiable is slow-paced and wants to take life easier. Relationships are much more important to the Amiable than tasks.

The Driver is very dominant and control-oriented, while the Amiable is very acquiescent and subservient. This can result in a very oppressive relationship unless both parties agree to, and are comfortable with, those roles.

The Driver has no problem with facing conflict head-on, while the Amiable tries to avoid it at all cost. This creates a serious area of tension between the two. The Driver will sometimes view the Amiable as a pushover, while the Amiable will often view the Driver as a bull in a china shop (though the Amiable will probably not voice that view).

The second combination of double trouble is the Analytical and the Expressive. The Analytical is an asker and is task-oriented. The Expressive is a teller and is relationship-oriented. The Analytical is usually soft spoken and avoids flamboyancy. The Expressive is very outspoken (and often loud), and loves the outrageous. This creates a source of tension between the two. The Analytical often views the Expressive as being ruled by the moment and driven by pure emotion while the Expressive thinks that the Analytical needs to lighten up a little and get a life (and the Expressive has no problem voicing that view quite loudly!).

Analyticals sometimes feel that Expressives are careless and frivolous and do not pay attention to detail. Expressives often feel that Analyticals are far too structured and live by the letter of the law. Analyticals get offended by the abruptness and perceived rudeness of the Expressive. The Expressive often feels that the Analytical doesn't care enough about people and their feelings.

The chart below depicts the pace problems that exist between social styles as well as the priority problems (relationship problems). The "double trouble" areas can be identified when pace and priority issues exist.


Once you are aware of the areas of potential tension and conflict, you can learn how to adjust your behavior accordingly. If you are a teller (fast paced) and you have to deal with an asker (slow paced), then you know that you need to slow down, talk softer, and provide more detail. Each area of pace and priority conflict can be worked out if both parties are willing to compromise on their behavior.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

AREAS OF TENSION
In addition to the compatibility areas,each social style will also have areas of tension with the other social styles.These areas of tension are raised in the exact same areas of compatibility:pace and priority.
 
PACE PROBLEMS
The pace problems arise between the Amiables and Expressives as well as the Analyticals and Drivers. The Amiable is slow-paced and the Expressive is fast-paced. The Expressive wants to go, go, go, and the Amiable wants to take things slow and not be rushed. The Amiable is usually under tension, wishing the Expressive would slow down, and the Expressive is usually irritated that the Amiable wont pick up the pace.

Drivers and Analyticals share the pace-tension as well. Drivers are fast-paced and very decisive, while Analyticals are slow-paced and very indecisive. The Driver wants things done NOW and the Analytical wants to think through everything that could go wrong. The Driver often feels like the Analytical cant get anything done because they prefer analysis to decision. The Analytical is often under tension, feeling as if the Driver makes too many rash decisions and doesn't properly think through things.
 
PRIORITY PROBLEMS
Areas of priority conflict arise between the Driver and the Expressive as well as the Analytical and the Amiable. The Drivers priority is task while the Expressives priority is relationship. They will have tension and conflict over what they view as important in life. The Driver will often view the Expressive as controlled by emotions while the Expressive will view the Driver, at times, as insensitive and heartless.

While the Expressive will find joy in starting projects, the Driver will find joy in finishing them. The Driver likes to be in control and the Expressive likes to be free. Drivers may view Expressives as too social and Expressives may view Drivers as too autocratic.

Analyticals and Amiables have tension in the area of priority as well. Analyticals are task-oriented and Amiables are relationship-oriented. The Analytical will often view the Amiable as too apathetic and too accepting of ideas. The Amiable will often view the Analytical as too uptight and logical.While the Analytical is attempting to methodically plan projects and tasks, the Amiable is attempting to build cohesive relationships. The Amiable will tend to ignore facts in favor of feelings, while the Analytical will tend to ignore feelings over facts. This creates an area of tension between the two. The chart below summarizes some of the major tensions that exist between the social styles.

AREAS OF TENSION




-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

ANALYTICAL COMPATIBILITY
Analyticals are most compatible with Drivers and Amiables. Analyticals and Drivers are both task-oriented so they share a common priority. They both focus on getting things done and are not overly emotional. They both value logic over sentiment and prefer facts above feelings.

Analyticals and Amiables are both askers so they share the slow-pace commonality. They are less assertive by nature, more introverted, and more patient. Both the Analytical and the Amiable will make slow and careful decisions.
 
DRIVER COMPATIBILITY
Drivers are most compatible with the Analytical and Expressive social styles. Drivers and Analyticals are both task-oriented so they share the common priorities of work, projects, and things. Drivers and Expressives are both tellers, so they share the fast-pace commonality. They are more assertive, more extraverted, and more impatient than the Amiables and Analyticals. Both the Driver and the Expressive will make quick decisions, and dislike details.
 
AMIABLE COMPATIBILITY
Amiables are most compatible with the Analyticals and Expressives. Amiables and Analyticals are both askers so they share the commonality of slow pace. Amiables and Expressives are relationship-oriented, so they share the common priorities of people, events, and socializing. Both the Amiable and the Expressive prefer feelings to facts, value sentiment above logic, and are more emotional than task-oriented individuals.
 
EXPRESSIVE COMPATIBILITY
Expressives are most compatible with the Drivers and Amiables. Expressives and Drivers are both tellers, so they share the commonality of fast pace. Expressives and Amiables are relationship-oriented, so they share that common priority. Both Amiables and Expressives are more sympathetic and feelings-oriented than Drivers and Analyticals.

Each social style can share something in common with two of the other styles. The chart below summarizes the most compatible social style combinations.

SOCIAL STYLE COMPATIBILITY

ANALYTICALS	DRIVERS
Are most compatible with: Drivers Amiables	Are most compatible with: Expressives Analyticals
AMIABLES	EXPRESSIVES
Are most compatible with: Analyticals Expressives	Are most compatible with: Amiables Drivers

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips) 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Expressives love to shop, buy, listen to presentations, and do whatever else comes their way. Anything that involves other people or interaction is exciting for Expressives. They normally make buying decisions based on impulse and the gut feeling they get from the sales person. They want to get to know the person and vice versa. They like small talk and chitchat and will often go off on tangents during a presentation.

Expressives are not too interested in massive detail. They do like to be an active part of the selling process, offering their own opinions and experiences. They will talk on and on and, if they get a good feeling about the person, they may buy impulsively. They believe that you only live life once, so what the heck!

A more vivid and colorful presentation will excite the Expressives. They get bored easily and dislike the mundane. A creative approach to selling is the most effective with the Expressive personality. They also prefer informal presentations and go stir-crazy when asked to sit quietly and just listen for long periods of time.

Expressives will often need a little help to keep them focused. They are undisciplined about time and don't keep a tight rein on how long they have been talking. They appreciate people with a good sense of humor who do not take themselves, or life, too seriously.

Expressives are motivated to save effort. Present your product or idea in away that shows them how they can achieve something. Explain how their buying decision will add more adventure, fun, and excitement to their lives. The list below provides general do's and don'ts of selling to Expressives.

DO
Socialize with them
Joke around with them
Be informal
Make a colorful presentation
Add excitement
Make it fun
Ask about their personal life
Ask about their interests

DON'T
Talk slow
Be so serious
Bore them with details
Neglect them
Stay businesslike
Be stuffy
Ignore them
Be impersonal
Cut them short

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-authorBob Phillips)

 

 
 

Amiables do not like to make waves. They will often buysomething they dont need to spare the feelings of the sales person. They smilea lot, nod, and appear to be in agreement, when on the inside they may bestressing about the buying decision.

Amiables are motivated to save relationships. They will not make a buyingdecision that may negatively affect someone else. They usually want to checkwith people who are important to them to make sure they are making the rightdecision. They also do not want to offend the salesperson, so they mayexperience major stress when asked for a decision.

Amiables prefer to have someone with them when making a buying decision,especially on a big-ticket item. They will listen attentively for long periodsof time. Amiables despise rudeness and pressure. A hurried pace will alsostress them out. Presentations should be made slowly and softly. Amiables donot appreciate someone who is overly loud and obnoxious.

They want a low stress environment and do not like experiencing a negativeattitude from others. The sales saying, People dont care how much you knowuntil they know how much you care, does apply to Amiables. They do want to knowthat you care about them. Stay positive in your presentation and let them knowhow their buying decision will positively affect the relationships in theirlives. The list below provides general do's and don'ts of selling to Amiables.

DO
Show kindness
Be friendly
Make them feel valued
Display patience
Treat them gently
Listen to them
Empathize with their concerns
Stay relaxed
Smile

DON'T
Talk loudly
Put down their opinions
Be insensitive
Be sarcastic
Rush them
Pressure them for a buying decision
Overwhelm them
Show impatience
Become stressed

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People(co-author Bob Phillips)

Drivers are the fastest decision-makers. They will make a decision based on intuition. They do not need a tremendous amount of fact or detail. As you make your pitch to them, they will process the information rapidly and make a decision quickly.

They are usually in a hurry and do not appreciate long and drawn out sales pitches. Probably the number one thought in the back of a Driver's mind is "Get to the point!" If frustrated enough, they will even verbalize it. They are motivated to save time, and they will be looking at how your idea or product will save time and increase efficiency. They are not the best listeners, so the faster you make your point, the better.

Drivers really hate chitchat; so avoid small talk with them. There's the old sales saying, "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." This does not apply to Drivers! They really don't care how much you know or how much you care. They just want to know how your idea or product will save them time and allow them to get more things done.

They will respect someone who makes their pitch with confidence and brevity. Drivers do not like being pressured by someone to buy something, because they want to stay in control. They will walk away completely if they feel they are being overpowered, even if they want your product. Don't try to argue with a Driver-they excel in this area and will usually not give up until they win. The list below provides general do's and don'ts of selling to Drivers.

DO
Get to the point
Let them stay in control
Stay businesslike
Make your presentation quickly
Think fast
Be brief
Show confidence
Ask their opinion

DON'T
Try to overpower them
Chitchat
Belabor your points
Pressure them
Go off on tangents
Talk about your personal life
Be passive
Argue with them

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

If you have ever had to pitch an idea, product, or service, you know that people do not all respond the same. Some people seem standoffish and want a plethora of facts. Some want to talk about anything and everything unrelated to the idea or product. Some barely let you get half-way through the presentation before they bluntly state their decision. Some refuse to make a decision without the input of others.

When you examine the buying patterns of people in general, you will see a very clear trend among the social styles. If you are attempting to sell or pitch anything to someone, knowing the social style of that person will take you far in your efforts. Each style has a distinct way of processing information and making decisions. Your approach should be varied based on the social style you are selling to.
 
SELLING TO ANALYTICALS
Analyticals are the most critical of what you have to say or sell. They require a tremendous amount of facts and information. They despise exaggerated claims and they expect you to have all the facts and data to back up any claims you make. Analyticals will usually do their own research to validate your information and need to be given the time to be comfortable with their buying decision.

People who come on too strong and are too loud will turn off the Analytical. Present your case or information slowly and quietly. They become frustrated with people who talk too fast and fly through the details. Stop and ask them frequently if they have any questions or concerns.

Analyticals are fairly private people and do not like to be asked very personal questions. Stay businesslike and don't pry into their personal lives. Do not make extended eye contact with them as they will feel as if you are staring or invading.

Stress the quality of your idea or product and its excellence. Analyticals will look for quality flaws. They dislike generalities, so be specific in your descriptions. Expect a fair amount of negativism and criticism. They are motivated to save face. They do not want to be seen as someone making a bad buying decision. They also want to save money and will shop around for the best price.

The worst mistake you can make when selling to Analyticals is to push them for a decision. They usually want at least twenty-four hours to think about a buying decision, especially on a big-ticket item. Use logical persuasion and don't fight with them or contradict them. If you push them, you risk losing the sale altogether as they would rather make no decision before making a bad one. Analyticals make buying decisions based on facts and logical information. The list below provides general do's and don'ts of selling to Analyticals.

DO
Provide lots of facts
Give an organized pitch
Use logical persuasion
Talk softly
Talk slowly
Be specific
Stress quantity
Allow time for questions
Validate their own research

DON'T
Come on too strong
Exaggerate
Push them to buy
Talk loudly
Get personal
Overwhelm them
Fight with them
Stare them down
Be disorganized
Discredit their information

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

FOLLOWING THE EXPRESSIVE
Expressives are the social specialists. They excel in generating enthusiasm and vision in the organization. They look for and create excitement and challenge in the workplace. Expressives always seem to be up and rarely have down days. Followers appreciate their friendly, warm, and caring disposition.

Expressives are optimistic and cheerful and have the ability to verbalize sincere appreciation for subordinates. They are spontaneous, talkative, and personable. They have a great flair for the dramatic and imaginative. Expressives are flashy, persuasive, competitive, and fun loving.

The ability to troubleshoot in crisis is an area of strength for the Expressive leader. They know how to get people to work together and they have the persuasive power to stimulate action.

The irritating characteristics of the Expressive can create tension for followers. They can be loud, obnoxious, and downright insulting. If they are displeased with something, they will let everyone within earshot know about it. They can also be highly emotional, impulsive, and excitable, which can frustrate the Drivers, Amiables, and Analyticals.

They sometimes show up late for meetings (which is very annoying for the Drivers and Analyticals), and have been known to forget important appointments. Expressives often keep people waiting and it doesn’t seem to bother them. They will often make commitments to themselves and others that they do not keep.

Expressives can be very impatient leaders and become rigid when crossed. They tend to be restless and start far more tasks than they ever complete. They become easily bored and tend to switch to more exciting projects, leaving subordinates to pick up the pieces. They will even create crisis at times just to have something to do. They despise paperwork and rules. Expressives put off unpleasant tasks for as long as possible, which annoys the Driver.

If you are in a position where you have an Expressive as a leader, there are some ways you can adapt to meet their style of leadership and create a more cohesive working relationship. The list below provides general tips for following Expressive leaders.

TIPS FOR FOLLOWING EXPRESSIVES

• Be flexible
• Do not push rules in their face
• Do not take their emotional outbursts personally
• Do not bore them with details
• Be informal
• Talk faster
• Try new things
• Share in their excitement
• Take risks
• Be adventurous
• Don't get overwhelmed by them
• Be original
• Socialize with them
• Show excitement
• Be inventive
• Embrace change
• Deal with chaos they create
• Do not expect them to follow up with you
• Adapt to their constant direction changes
• Help them with organization
• Do not be a downer around them
• Praise them publicly
• Laugh at their jokes
• Learn to juggle many tasks
• Focus on the big picture
• Acknowledge their accomplishments

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

FOLLOWING THE AMIABLE
Amiables are the support specialists. They excel in getting along with others and making them feel comfortable. Amiables are friendly and cooperative in their contact with employees, administrative staff, vendors, and just about everyone they come into contact with. They are diplomatic in their dealings with people and make great spokespersons for their organizations.

Amiables are very patient and great listeners. They can be generous to a fault. They provide sincere appreciation and positive feedback to their followers. Amiables are always willing to help others and be team players. They have a supportive, easygoing nature that followers appreciate.

They can also be so nice that it’s difficult for followers to get angry with them even when frustration arises. They can sometimes be very quiet, shy, and retiring. They may even appear apathetic and unconcerned at times.

They hate any form of conflict and will often avoid disciplining subordinates for misbehavior. Amiable leaders especially have a difficult time terminating an employee, even when the employee has become a burden to the entire organization. Amiables will put off dealing with conflict as long as possible, which is a major source of contention for Drivers and Expressives.

Because of their inability to say no, Amiables often take on too many responsibilities and become overly tired. They put off making decisions that may offend others. They tend to blame the failures of others on themselves. Amiables do not adjust well to change and hate surprises. They prefer the traditional and the predictable.

While Amiables make very diplomatic leaders, they often frustrate the other social styles with their apathetic approach to dealing with conflict. Other social styles often feel as if the Amiable leader is sweeping everything under the rug instead of facing the issues and making decisions. Amiables worry about severing relationships and will avoid dealing with important conflict issues. If you are in a position where you have an Amiable as a leader, there are some ways you can adapt to meet their style of leadership and create a more cohesive working relationship. The list below provides general tips for following Amiable leaders.

TIPS FOR FOLLOWING AMIABLES

• Use tact
• Be friendly around them
• Show interest in their values
• Be diplomatic
• Do not be rude
• Be respectful
• Show kindness
• Allow them to help you
• Be gentle
• Do not push them
• Share your ideas nicely
• Tell them you appreciate them
• Show cooperation
• Be a team player
• Do not make unnecessary changes
• Ask for their counsel
• Do not be brash
• Be encouraging
• Do not argue with them in front of people
• Do not criticize them in front of people
• Choose your words carefully
• Speak softly
• Do not pressure them
• Be sensitive to their feelings
• Give them input
• Display commitment
• Do not make demands, make requests
• Help diffuse conflict and crisis
• Do not surprise them
• Show your support

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

FOLLOWING THE DRIVER
Drivers are the control specialists. They excel in taking initiative, getting things done, and making decisions. Driver leaders manage by objective, and do not engage in micro-management.

They are not concerned with details and prefer to evaluate the end result. They usually allow followers a good deal of independence to get their jobs done.

Drivers are visionary leaders who inspire followers to rise to the challenges and opportunities set before them. They can easily conceptualize ideas and describe them so vividly that subordinates can visualize the end result. Drivers make decisions quickly and easily and would rather make a bad decision than make no decision at all. They are willing to take risks and their work environment moves at a very fast pace.

The implications of decisions and problems are easily understood by Driver leaders. They love complex situations and shoot for lofty goals. They are very efficient, productive, and serve as change agents in the organization.

Drivers can become human tornados when things are not going as they would like them to. They can become bossy, stubborn, and demanding (a source of contention for the Amiables and Analyticals). They may make hasty decisions that get them into trouble.

Drivers have a tendency to take on large and complex problems, push them to a certain point, and then pass them on to someone else. They do not like to maintain what they start. Drivers often appear restless and unfulfilled.

They are often viewed as cold as ice and as unfeeling as a piece of steel. Amiables and Expressives especially feel put off by Drivers. The leadership style of the Driver is often tough and sarcastic. They become impatient when they have to repeat directives to the troops and they loathe laziness and frivolity on the job. They dislike chitchat and small talk, which annoys the Expressives and Amiables. Drivers have little sympathy for those who complain that they are too demanding or overwhelming.

If you are in a position where you have a Driver as a leader, there are some ways you can adapt to meet their style of leadership and create a more cohesive working relationship. The list below provides general tips for following Driver leaders.

TIPS FOR FOLLOWING DRIVERS

• Pick up your pace
• Avoid small talk
• Do not interrupt their work
• Stay businesslike
• Stay calm
• Do not make excuses
• Get things done ahead of deadlines
• Do not overwhelm them with facts and details
• Do what you say you will do
• Do not expect them to hold your hand
• Display independence
• Get back to them quickly
• Do not procrastinate
• Do not beat around the bush
• Get to the point
• Do not be irrresponsible
• Do not whine about the workload
• Be active
• Look busy
• Do not be lazy
• Do not take their sarcasm personally
• Make decisions
• Do not expect them to supervise you closely
• Toughen up around them
• Do not expect sympathy
• Take responsibility
• Solve problems
• Avoid arguing with them
• Do not be wishy-washy
• Do not get emotional

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

Learning how to follow someone with a different social style can be a challenge. When you learn to compliment your own style with the styles of others, you will find a much more productive avenue to reaching your goals and the goals of others. When you learn to recognize the social styles of the leaders you work with, you can learn to follow those leaders more effectively.

If you reviewed the charts containing famous social styles from June 5th, you observed an interesting fact. You will find all four social styles in a variety of leadership positions. Each social style has their unique characteristics when it comes to leadership. An overview of each social style is covered below and what you can expect from them as a leader. There are also some practical tools for adapting to each leadership style.
 
FOLLOWING THE ANALYTICAL
Analyticals are the technique specialists. They excel in establishing policies, schedules, routines, and procedures. They can handle enormous amounts of details simultaneously. Analytical leaders are generally appreciated for their dependability. They are responsible, persevering, and accurate. They fulfill obligations and keep their promises and commitments.

Analytical leaders are often seen as very professional and self-disciplined. They possess the ability to approach decisions both logically and carefully. They tend to preserve the traditions of an organization and avoid taking risks that could negatively affect the company.

When Analytical leaders are having bad days, they have the tendency to stir up negative feelings in those who work under them (very frustrating for the Amiable and Expressive). They can also overload a person with facts, which completely annoys the Driver and Expressive.

Data collection and analysis can become such a strong focus for the Analytical that important decisions may be put off or not addressed. The slow pace of the Analyticals is a source of contention for the Drivers and Expressives.

Followers often complain that the systematic thoroughness of the Analytical turns into picky perfectionism. Followers often feel the tension of the Analytical’s negative and critical thinking (which is stressful for the Amiable).

When Analyticals get involved with tasks, they often become quiet and withdrawn from interaction. They can be viewed as cool, distant, reserved, or aloof. Followers dislike their lack of warmth, stern commands, and austere actions. They are also seen, at times, as stuffy and unable to have fun or enjoy close relationships (which is an irritant for the Amiables and Expressives). Analyticals are resistant to change and can throw cold water on new ideas, frustrating the Expressives and Drivers.

If you are in a position where you have an Analytical as a leader, there are some ways you can adapt to meet that style of leadership and create a more cohesive working relationship. The list below provides general tips for following Analytical leaders.

TIPS FOR FOLLOWING ANALYTICALS

• Stay organized
• Keep good records
• Provide lots of details
• Present a list of things that could go wrong
• Allow them to vent the negative before a decision is made
• Allow them time to think through decisions
• Do not make rash decisions
• Get all of the facts correct
• Use good manners
• Listen attentively to all of their facts
• Do not display impatience
• Do not exaggerate
• Compliment them for their planning abilities
• Do not initiate unapproved change
• Stay more formal and businesslike
• Follow their policies
• Talk soft and slow
• Do not come on too strong
• Finish what you start
• Show that you take your responsibilities seriously
• Double-check your work for accuracy
• Do not pop into their office unannounced
• Keep work areas neat and tidy
• Have a method for your work

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

Now you know where the saying "different strokes for different folks" came from. Each of the social styles is very unique in leadership needs and working with others. As a leader, if you can learn how to lead each style, you can create a more productive, cohesive, and efficient work environment. The chart below provides a summary of the important issues that need to be addressed when leading each social style.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

LEADING EXPRESSIVES
Expressives thrive in a creative work environment that is not weighed down with rules and regulations. They work best with freedom and flexibility. They want exciting premiums or incentives for completing tasks. They like to invent new ways to do things and want the freedom to be creative.

They tend to motivate others with their constant enthusiasm. They have high aspirations for many relationships. They need endorsement and encouragement. Expressives thrive on interaction with others and do not like to work alone. When put in team environments, Expressives bring vision to the team. They also inspire others and increase the energy level of the team. They are great with brainstorming and being creative.

Expressives have a hard time being led by dull individuals who like to maintain the status quo. Expressives thrive on change and are constantly looking for ways to do things differently. While they can juggle many tasks at once, they don’t always follow through. They often get bored or distracted easily and move on to new projects before completing current ones. This tends to irritate their leaders and other people they may work with.

Expressives often jump to conclusions without having all of the facts. They make quick decisions based on a gut feeling. They also tend to make generalizations from a sampling of one. They like to take risks and expect others to do the same.

Expressives want to feel loved and know that their contributions are appreciated. They value leaders who take an interest in their personal life and interests. They need leaders who provide inspiration. They need broad structure, but not detailed methods. They like excitement, encouragement, and personal support.

Now you know where the saying “different strokes for different folks” came from. Each of the social styles is very unique in leadership needs and working with others. As a leader, if you can learn how to lead each style, you can create a more productive, cohesive, and efficient work environment. Chart 11-B provides a summary of the important issues that need to be addressed when leading each social style.

LEADING AMIABLES
Amiables are more concerned with people than projects. They need leaders who will work closely with them. They need assurance that they will not be left alone to complete tasks. Amiables need leaders who will not treat them harshly and will be kind and considerate. They also need leaders who will provide a tremendous amount of direction. They do not like to let their leaders down.

Amiables do not like relationship tension at work and need to be reassured that everything is alright. Leaders need to show sincere appreciation to the Amiable. Amiables like to work on teams and with others and do not work well alone. When put in a team environment, they build team spirit and increase cooperation. They inspire a positive attitude and encourage others to work together.

They do not appreciate leaders who come on too strong. Shouting or showing anger by the leader is very stressful for the Amiable and should be avoided. Too much pressure on an Amiable makes it difficult for him or her to perform. They tend to irritate their leaders with their inability to make decisions.

Amiables try to avoid getting too much attention, but still need and appreciate praise and compliments by their leaders. They usually let others take credit for things and stay in the background while others get praised.

Amiables have a difficult time saying “no,” even when their workload is already stressful. Leaders need to be sensitive to this and make sure they are not putting Amiables under too much pressure. Amiables also need sufficient notice if they are asked to complete a task within a certain deadline.

LEADING DRIVERS
Drivers are natural born leaders, so they are not the easiest people to lead. They don’t necessarily like taking orders and close supervision is very stifling to a Driver. They want to know exactly what you expect of them, and they will get it done (usually before a deadline).

Drivers like to have choices and need to be allowed to choose the most successful path for reaching the goals suggested by their leader. They need to know exactly what the goal is, and then be allowed to get the job done their way, at their pace.

Drivers complete tasks very quickly and are results-oriented. They will often find shortcuts to get the job done faster. Time is money and they don’t like wasting it. Because of their fast pace, they do not always take time to listen to others and their concerns. They have little patience for incompetence or excuses.

Drivers thrive on reaching goals and completing tasks. They are very driven at work and do not like to engage in time-wasting activities. Chitchat is annoying to the Driver. They are also annoyed by illogical or unreasonable tasks.

Drivers do not respect leaders who will not take a stand or make a decision. They usually irritate others in the workplace with their impatience, sarcasm, and insensitivity. They expect a lot of themselves and others and are not afraid to voice their opinions. Drivers are very competitive at work and like to complete tasks before anyone else. They are ambitious workers and thrive in positions of authority.

Drivers are independent and like to work alone. If put in a team environment, Drivers help to build confidence in others. They increase productivity and speed, and they set the example for hard work and determination.

 

During a discussion on the topic of leadership, Henry Ford once said, "Who ought to be the boss is like asking who ought to be the tenor in the quartet-obviously, the man who can sing tenor."

Which social style makes the best leader? It is often assumed that individuals who are more extroverted--the tellers--make better leaders than introverted persons--the askers. This is not a safe assumption. An outspoken person is not necessarily better qualified for leadership.

There is much more to leadership than the ability to state opinions confidently. The exciting thing about the social-styles concept is that effective, successful leaders can be found in all four social styles. Leaders will reflect the characteristics of their particular style:Analytical, Driver, Amiable, or Expressive.

There are many roles that leaders must assume, and some of those roles come more naturally for certain social styles. For the other styles, it is more of a stretch to fulfill some of the leadership responsibilities. Below is a list of the ten main leadership roles that must be assumed by a quality leader:
 
Delegator
Facilitator
Manager
Clarifier
Problem-solver
Mediator
Nurturer
Coach
Dreamer/Visionary
Initiator

As you examine the list, you will see that the role of nurturer comes naturally to the Amiable, but is a stretch for the Driver. Dreamer/Visionary is quite simple for the Expressive, but a challenge for the Analytical. Initiator is a specialty for the Driver, but not so easy for the Amiable. Clarifier is a natural role for an Analytical, but not for an Expressive. The chart below gives a few examples of what comes easier and harder for each social style.

True leadership requires characteristics of all social styles and a need for adaptation by the leader. Regardless of your social style, if you are in a leadership position, you need to be aware of the needs and behavioral tendencies of your subordinates. As we learned in previous sections, each social style values different things and becomes annoyed by different things. Attempting to lead every person with one method or one mode of motivation is not effective. Each social style has specific needs in regards to following a leader. Listed below are some of the needs that each social style possesses in regards to following a leader.

LEADING ANALYTICALS
Analyticals need reasons why they should complete tasks or participate in activities. They want details and exact instruction. They need a work environment that is structured and orderly. As a leader, you need to give Analyticals space and time to think and react. They do not like to be pushed, intimidated, or manipulated. They would rather make no decision than make a bad decision.

They work well alone, but they also add value to teams by developing game plans and setting high standards. They follow through on assigned tasks and do not need leaders to breathe down their neck. They like completing tasks that require planning and accuracy, and they take their work seriously.

The Analytical social style maintains a very neat and orderly work area. Because Analyticals strive for perfection, they tend to move slowly out of carefulness and cautiousness. They like to focus and concentrate on one task at a time and do not appreciate having too many projects dumped on them at once.

Analyticals can be picky about who they work with. They have a difficult time working with people who do not keep deadlines and disregard rules or regulations. They can become critical and negative concerning people who perform at low standards or produce mediocre workmanship.

Analyticals resent leaders who take costly shortcuts. They want to follow someone who thinks carefully through their decisions. Analyticals want things done right the first time. They do appreciate leaders who will give them clarification and sugges-tions. They like alternatives for implementation. They want practical methods for projects.