When Anne first came on the team as a new employee, she was surprised at the high morale and high commitment that the team exhibited. She had come from an organization where low morale and high turnover was the norm. The reason she left her last job was she felt she was wasting her time with a manager who just dictated everything to everyone and refused to listen to the ideas of the employees. Anne had no idea what to expect when she attended the first “team meeting.”

The meeting was scheduled to start at 10:00 am. Anne arrived a few minutes early and took a seat at the table. Most of the team was already present and the remaining members entered the room just after she did. Jeff was at the front of the room drawing a huge smiley face on the dry erase board.

The meeting started right on time as Jeff announced, “Okay, here’s the deal. As you know from our last meeting, the company will be employing the services of a software engineering firm that will be completely revamping our customer database software.

“I have been asked to provide a list of changes or features that our department would like to see integrated into the new software to make it as easy as possible to serve our customers. Before I provide them with that list, I wanted to get your input, since you are the ones using the software on a daily basis. So let’s throw around some ideas today and then let’s take two weeks to brainstorm and write down more ideas as you are using the old software on a daily basis. Then we will come back together and share what everyone has come up with.”

Anne watched in amazement as each person at the table took their turn throwing out ideas. Many made jokes about some of the archaic features of the software they had been using for far too many years. Laughter filled the room as the team talked about ways to make improvements. Jeff turned his attention to Anne.

“I know you’ve only been here a short time Anne, but you will be introduced to the database system this week. It is my understanding that you have experience in different software systems from your previous employer and we would love to hear your thoughts at the next meeting on what you perceive could use improvement.” The rest of the team shook their heads in agreement and waited for Anne to respond.

She was dumbfounded for a moment and then realizing the awkward silence, she cleared her throat and said, “Yes, of course. I would be honored to give my input.”

Jeff adjourned the meeting and Anne wandered back to her desk in a daze. She had never experienced such a culture of camaraderie and inclusion in all her life. She reflected back on her old employer and manager who had called a similar meeting one morning. The company had also decided to go with a new software system. Her manager announced that the new system would be arriving in 30 days and training would begin immediately after the installation of the new software. The employees in the meeting all sat silently as the manager explained why the new system was better and how it would make everyone’s job easier.

The employees hated the new system. They complained about it often. Morale continued to drop while the managers talked amongst themselves about how employees always resist change and are never happy with anything.

Anne was all too familiar with a common belief held by many managers: I’ve been promoted to a management position for a reason. I have the best ideas on how to solve problems, improve processes, and create new systems.

She had heard about leaders like Jeff, but she had never had the privilege of working for one. Jeff embraced the belief held by many great leaders: Those closest to the problems have the best solutions. When I allow people to give input into the change process, they are much more likely to be inspired to own and embrace the change. I don’t have all the answers and sometimes my employees have better solutions than I do.
The employees who worked for Jeff were highly motivated to get things done. They felt inspired to achieve more because they were able to provide input to the changes that needed to occur in the organization, especially the ones that affected them most.

Anne realized that things were going to be a lot different in this organization. She felt a sense of excitement as she headed to the training department to take a look at the current database system. She knew her contributions would be valued, and they would make a difference in the organization. She felt a strong sense of purpose already and was eager to contribute in her new position.

 GOOD INTENTIONS DO NOT ALWAYS INSPIRE PEOPLE
There have been many managers who had great intentions when it comes to implementing new programs or initiating change in an organization. One manager heard the employees complaining about the layout of their work area. With great intentions, he decided to remodel and rearrange the entire floor plan. Over a weekend, while everyone was away, he redesigned the layout, moved all the furniture, and even painted the walls a different color in an attempt to give them something new and exciting. He was shocked to discover that the employees were not pleased with the changes at all. He convinced himself that all employees resist change and are just never happy, no matter what you try to do to please them.

Another team of managers wanted to do something nice for the employees in an attempt to raise morale. The managers purchased a new copy machine to replace the old one, thinking it would show the employees that they care. They were surprised to hear some of the employees complaining about some of the features on the new machine and the lack of some features that would be useful. These managers also convinced themselves that all employees resist change and are just never happy, no matter what you try to do to please them.




-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Inspire People to Achieve More

Misconceptions about Female Bosses

In the past 100 years, revolutionary changes have occurred in the work place. Minorities and women have come a long way. However, there still exist misconceptions about the capabilities of females in the workplace. Here are some of the most common fabrications about women in leadership roles.

The first common misconception about women in the workplace is that they are not competent enough to be strong leaders. Another misconception is that women are not as reliable as men because they have to take off work during pregnancy. The third misconception is that women can not handle stress like men and might become hysterical if too much is expected from them. Finally, the last misconception that some people hold about women in the workforce is that they are not as smart as men.

Many of these misconceptions come from dated thinking about traditional gender roles when men would provide for the family and the women would stay at home, taking care of the children. While this is still a preferred model for some families, it is no longer the norm in society. Until the 1920s in America, men had always been the bread winners for the family. However, with the suffragette movement and later civil rights, women started integrating more and more into the workforce. Women played a vital role in World War II with the men in Europe, manufacturing weaponry on the home front. Since then, several generations of women have gone to school, become educated and have entered the workforce. With each successive generation of women in the workforce, females have climbed the corporate ladder and attained accomplished positions in the business world. One of the best known famous women in business is Meg Whitman who has been very successful working for both Hewlett Packard and eBay.

The notion that women are not strong leaders is a typical stereotype that stems from assigning certain traits like decisiveness and achievement-orientation to men while attributing women with traits like indecisiveness and relationship-orientation. These traits are found in social styles of both men and women and are not unique to a particular gender, contrary to popular belief. Meg Whitman is a prime example of a woman who is a strong leader in business who possesses the necessary traits to be considered a good manager and leader.

The question of reliability of women as it relates to maternity leave is no longer relative in the workplace. Most employers refer to it as “family leave” now and many men take time off work now to bond with their newborn children, just as women do. Employers have learned to fill those positions as necessary until either parent can return to work.

The idea that women may not be able to control their stress levels in the workplace is also an inaccurate gender stereotype. Whether male or female, some people handle their stress levels better than others. We have all seen some very expressive men unload their stress verbally on others in the workplace just as easily as a woman who is expressive. It is more about social style than gender.

Finally, the battle of the sexes when it comes to intelligence has been debated for hundreds of years. While it is true that there are more male geniuses than females, it is also true that there are more mentally challenged males than females. Men tend to have more extreme brain functions, but when it comes to the “average” IQ, you will find intelligence in both men and women.  

Don’t be duped by typical gender stereotypes. Great leaders and managers should be judged by their behavior and character, not their gender. There are both great and horrible male and female bosses out there. It’s not the gender that makes them better as a leader, it’s their daily behavior.

-Ashleigh Denton’s passion for people and art has lead her to pursue a career in writing. At this time, Ashleigh is working as a part-time writer for  InsuranceQuotes.org specializing in car insurance.

Now let’s relate it to you. Think of yourself as a dopamine dealer. When you dish out random rewards, you are causing dopamine levels to rise. Conversely, if your employees have expectations for rewards that are not met, you will cause dopamine levels to plummet, which in turn makes employees feel down and frustrated. By creating a working environment where rewards are not expected or anticipated, but provided randomly, people will associate you with rewards and dopamine levels could rise just from the environment you create. Then when you actually provide the random reward, the dopamine levels of your followers could surge. Higher dopamine levels will create higher morale, a better sense of well-being, and an occasional feeling of bliss. Dopamine causes people to feel a sense of happiness. Studies show that people who are happy solve more problems and come up with more new ideas on what action should be taken in a given situation.

It is also noteworthy that studies have shown people who achieve more have higher levels of naturally released dopamine than people who achieve less. As you strive to inspire people to achieve more, helping their natural flow of dopamine could assist you in the process.

DATING, MARRIAGE, AND DOPAMINE
On a lighter, purely unscientific note let me relate this to personal relationships. Maybe one of the reasons couples are in such bliss when they are initially dating is because of the dopamine factor. There is so much random reward in the dating process that this triggers the release of dopamine and causes people to feel “euphoric” around this person. As a result, they feel “in love”. The man brings her flowers one day and then surprises her with an exciting night out on the town the following week. He writes her sweet notes here and there. She associates him with rewards but the rewards are different each week. They are new and exciting. She does the same for him. She surprises him with his favorite meal. She shows up for a date in a new outfit and flirts with him throughout dinner. She sends him funny cards and makes him laugh. She buys him a little gift to brighten his day.

The dopamine is flowing full throttle for both of them until they start to get comfortable, which usually happens one to two years later or soon after they get married. Then maybe they settle into a “date night.” Every Friday night they go to dinner and a movie. Their lives start to become routine. Every Thursday is pizza night. Every Monday and Wednesday they take their son to soccer practice. Some couples even schedule sex on their calendar. It becomes very predictable. The little surprise gifts stop. The notes disappear. The relationship and their lives become very routine and they pretty much know what to expect. And we wonder why so many people struggle with depression!

The dopamine stops flowing and some people miss it enough to turn to drugs or gambling, both of which provide dopamine “fixes.” Certain drugs will increase dopamine levels and gambling has been shown to increase and surge dopamine to the point of addiction.

So my idea (again purely unscientific) is to create the natural release of dopamine by reintroducing random rewards into your relationships. The person will eventually associate you with constant rewards, but won’t know exactly when they are coming. This could cause dopamine to be released and that euphoric sense of feeling “in love” to return. It’s certainly worth a try!

Get out of the systematic reward routine in your personal and professional relationships. Whether it’s a romantic relationship, your kids, or your employees, mix it up and try random rewards. Get out there and deal some dopamine!


-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Inspire People to Achieve More

Wes is right about a lot of things. First of all, rewarding people for good behavior as a first choice instead of punishing bad behavior creates better results. There are of course circumstances where bad behavior is continuing, and if positive reward systems for good behavior have failed, you cannot ignore the need to punish bad behavior. In fact, studies show that employees want a just and fair environment where punishment is used when positive reinforcement has failed. Employees simply want the punishment to match the infraction and not be disproportionate. They also want it to be consistent with what others have received for the same behaviors. But let’s look at trying to reward good behavior as a first choice.

A researcher at Harvard University, David Rand, asserts that rewarding people for good behavior, rather than punishing them for bad behavior, will result in higher levels of public cooperation. In his study on the topic, Rand had college students play a computer game for sixty minutes. Students were directed to cooperate in the game to reach a common goal with other players. Students were told that they would receive a monetary bonus for any points they accumulated just for themselves, which could encourage selfishness. Players would also get points for being cooperative and generous. The students were allowed to punish people in the course of the game who were acting selfish or reward people who were acting cooperatively.

The study showed that the groups that rewarded cooperation the most earned twice as much monetary reward over the groups that rewarded the least for cooperation. The study also showed that payoffs were the worst for groups that used punishment the most. Positive reinforcement and cooperation generated goodwill and produced overall better outcomes. Many studies have shown that rewarding good behavior to create cooperation is a better first choice than punishing bad behavior.

So if rewards are good, are there any studies to support the idea that random rewards are better? Yes there are, and that’s another reason Wes was right. Random rewards cause higher levels of dopamine to be released in your body. Dopamine is a catecholamine neurotransmitter in the central nervous system that among other things helps to regulate movement and emotion. Dopamine plays a large role in the pleasure reward pathways of your brain. A release of dopamine can cause a person to feel a sense of bliss and general well-being. Lower levels of dopamine can cause many problems including depression, loss of satisfaction, and an inability to pay attention or focus.
A neuroscientist at Cambridge University, Wolfram Schultz, has examined how dopamine levels work in the brains of monkeys. A light is flashed in front of the monkey and then a squirt of sweet juice is given to the monkey (a reward). The researcher then monitors the response of brain cells and dopamine release.

Initially, the neurons fire and increase dopamine as the reward is given. Once the monkey figures out that the light always precedes the reward, the dopamine neurons will fire as soon as the monkey sees the light. However, once the monkey knows the juice will be provided each time, the monkey expects it, anticipates it, and the dopamine neurons stop firing. There’s no brain excitement for the anticipated reward and the monkey becomes disappointed. However, if the researcher provides a reward of juice without ever flashing the light (an unexpected, random reward), then the dopamine neurons become highly charged, producing a much larger release of dopamine than the expected reward produced.  

A similar study using monkeys was conducted at the Concordia University in Canada. The researchers were attempting to detect and measure dopamine releases and fluctuations associated with risk/reward tasks. In this study, a computer screen would flash different color visuals to the monkeys. When certain colors were shown, the monkey would receive a reward (a drop of syrup). The experiment was performed in three different ways, consecutively on the same monkeys.

In the first experiment, the researchers would reward the monkey each and every time the monitor showed the reward color. In the second experiment, the monkey never received a reward, regardless of what showed on the computer screen. In the third experiment, the monkey received a random reward 50% of the time the reward color showed up on the computer screen.  

With the first experiment, the dopamine levels in the monkey rose only the first few times the monkey received the reward. The monkey became accustomed to getting the reward and because of that, the dopamine neurons stopped firing. With the second experiment, the dopamine levels initially rose because the monkey expected to receive a reward when the reward color presented itself on the screen. However, after realizing the reward was never coming, the dopamine levels remained unchanged.

With the third experiment, the dopamine levels in the monkey rose every time the reward color was shown even though the reward was given randomly. When the monkey actually received a reward, the dopamine neurons would fire strongly and release a high level surge of dopamine. The use of random rewards actually caused a constant release of dopamine in the monkey’s brain and a surge of dopamine when a reward was actually received.

To be continued...


-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Inspire People to Achieve More

Karen had twelve employees on her team and she considered herself a pretty good manager and leader. She was fortunate enough to work for an organization that empowered its managers to structure incentive and motivation programs uniquely to fit the individualism of the teams. Karen had carefully crafted a systematic incentive and reward system that would provide additional benefits when her team members would reach specific targets. She also set up a lunch meeting with her entire team the first Friday of every month at a really nice restaurant just to show her appreciation for all of their hard work. Karen was considering the implementation of another reward for her team members, but wanted to run it by Wes first and get his input. Wes was also a team leader in the same organization but Karen had noticed that his production numbers were higher on his team, conflict and absenteeism were lower, and morale was higher. She invited Wes to lunch to talk about her ideas.

“So Wes, I’ve noticed how great your team is doing and I know you’re a big proponent of reward systems. I use rewards with my team too, as you know, and we are doing pretty darn good, but I think we can do better. I wanted to run an idea by you that I had for my team.I was thinking about a couple of things to increase my current reward program and try to get production and morale up. One idea is to give employees a $100 gift card when they reach a certain level of production in addition to their regular bonuses. I was also thinking about having an annual team picnic where the team members can bring their family and socialize with other employees. I’m trying to find ways to keep morale and motivation up and I know rewards and incentives are highly recommended. They seem to work pretty well for you.”

“You know Karen, I don’t usually tell people where I think they are going wrong unless they ask me for my input. But since you’re asking, I’m going to have to be really honest with you. Systematic reward programs do more harm than good. I’m not a fan.”

Karen set her sandwich down and said, “I’m confused. You use reward programs yourself. If you don’t think they work, why do you use them?”

“Because mine work. They’re not systematic. They’re random. Systematic reward programs become expected by employees and eventually become an entitlement. Take your monthly lunch for example. The first Friday of every month you take your team out to a really nice lunch. The reward itself is great and I’m sure the team loves it, but you’ve made it systematic. Now they expect it every month. How do you think they would react if you stopped doing it? What if your team budget got cut and you couldn’t do that every month or what if you just wanted to stop doing it and try something different?”
 
Wes continued before she could respond. “Take your incentive program too. The team members know when they reach a certain level of production that they will get a certain amount of reward money. That creates a couple of problems. One problem you have is determining what level to set. If you set it too high, they can’t reach it and not getting the reward is seen as a punishment. If you set it too low, you discourage risk-taking and creativity and employees won’t try hard enough. Systematic rewards that are used as preemptive bribes to get what you want from an employee can actually be perceived in the same way as punishments. Another problem you face is this: when you get the employee focused on primarily monetary types of rewards, you diminish the employee’s ability to tap into their own intrinsic motivation, the incredible feeling of accomplishment, and the fulfillment that comes from a job well done. If your main focus is on monetary rewards, you actually hinder intrinsic motivation because there is no other reason for your employees to put forth extra effort. I’m not just spouting off here Karen. I have actually done a lot of research on this. Most reward and incentive programs create a temporary spike in production but do little to create long term changes in behavior or incentive to do better.”

“Wes I’m just really surprised to hear all of this from you. I thought you were a big proponent of rewards.”

“I am. Just not systematic rewards. There is a big difference between rewarding your employees randomly and setting up rewards that they expect.”

“Well how do you prevent people from feeling like it’s unfair if it’s just random?” Karen’s intrigue was peaked.

Wes continued. “Random doesn’t mean unfair and it doesn’t mean I am inconsistent in giving rewards… it just means the rewards are not predictable or expected at a specific time or based on a specific number. I am still fair in how I dispense random rewards. I make sure all of the team members are shown appreciation, just in different ways and sometimes at different times. If the rewards are systematic and expected by any employee, the rewards inevitably become an entitlement and actually cause more harm than good. I take my team members to nice lunches too—I just don’t do it every month and I certainly wouldn’t do it on the same day each month. It would then be expected and if I stopped doing it, they would resent me. I give lots of rewards, but they never know when the rewards are coming. And not all rewards have to cost money either. Specific, immediate, and positive feedback is a great reward for employees.Just consider trying some random rewards and see how it affects the team. Last month, my team had an amazing month as far as productivity and team effort. I surprised the team by having two limos pull up to the front of the building on a Friday. I announced that the team had the rest of the day off and would be taken in limos to lunch and a two-hour cruise to wherever they wanted to go. Cheers erupted through the office as everyone raced to the limos. I have never seen people update their status on Facebook so quickly! They all wanted everyone to know what they were doing.” Wes was beaming with excitement as he shared the story.

Karen took a sip of her iced tea. “That sounds really fun, but also really expensive.”

“But it’s really not when you think about it. Because I am not spending all that money on systematic incentives and rewards for the team, I can afford to do random rewards. I also don’t just do it as a team. I do it individually too, based on the personal preferences of my team members. I have one person who absolutely loves coffee. I noticed last week that she stayed over after work to help one of our clients solve a problem. I called her favorite coffee place and had them put together a small basket of coffee goodies. She went absolutely nuts over it. What I am suggesting takes more time and investment in knowing your team members, but the pay-off is incredible.”

Karen asked, “So how do you encourage higher productivity?”

“Well I start with instilling the mission, vision, and core values in my team, which is a deeper intrinsic motivator than rewards. But I also use random rewards to inspire the team members to stay excited about the fun parts of the job. My job is to create an environment where creativity, risk-taking, fun, and productivity can all take place at the same time. This is what keeps morale high and team cooperation flowing. If I have my team members competing for certain bonuses or rewards, it creates a more confrontational environment with jealousy.”

Karen needed to cut in. “So you don’t reward your employees for any production goals at all?”

“Not in the traditional way,” Wes replied. “I pay them all a percentage of our net production. This gives them all a reason to help keep production up and expenses down and they don’t feel ‘punished’ if a particular number is not met. When I moved over to this system, production actually went up! They weren’t all hung up on reaching a particular level that they were most likely capable of surpassing. Creativity and risk-taking increased and so did morale. I also make sure that I reward the top producers in different ways as well.”

Karen shook her head and smiled. “Well I must say… this meeting is not at all what I expected. You do things so differently but your ideas obviously work. You don’t mind if I try some of your ideas out on my own team do you?”

“Not at all!"

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Inspire People to Achieve More

A study was conducted on two groups of long-term health care employees at two different locations. One group was provided with an all-day workshop and eight booster sessions each week following the workshop. The workshop and subsequent sessions facilitated exercises for the employees that placed their focus on aspects of the job that they loved. The employees were encouraged to create personal action plans, consider the deeper purpose of the work they were involved in, and cultivate an appreciation for the services they provided.

The second group was not provided with the workshop or booster sessions. The results of the study revealed some interesting statistics. Six months after the workshop and booster sessions, the first group experienced the following changes from the same period of time in the previous year:

•    An overall increase in job satisfaction
•    A 23% increase in teamwork
•    A 60% decrease in absenteeism
•    A 75% decrease in turnover
•    A 17% increase in morale

Getting people to rethink their jobs and focus on what purpose they serve and what purpose their jobs serve is a fantastic way to increase workplace morale. It is also a great way to help connect people with the facets of their jobs that they love. But it has to start with you as a manger or leader. They have to see a love for the job in you, because that is the first thing that will inspire them to look for a love for the job in themselves.


-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Inspire People to Achieve More

The CEO of 7-Eleven went undercover in his organization to see how some of the local stores operated. One of his undercover assignments put him on the night shift with a delivery truck driver. At 3:00 am, this driver had high morale, was enthusiastic, and full of love for life and his job. As they were driving to make a delivery, the CEO asked him why he was so motivated at this crazy hour. The driver had no idea he was talking to the CEO and his smile ran from ear to ear as he gushed, “Because I am living the American dream!”

The CEO was astonished and said, “I’m sorry, what?”

The driver said, “It’s true. I am living the American dream. I came here from another country with only $50 in my pocket and I did not know a word of English, but I learned. What other country gives you this kind of opportunity to have a job like this that will feed my family and make me happy? America is the most wonderful country in the world and Americans just don’t know how blessed they are. I am so motivated because I am so thankful for this country that has allowed me to survive and be happy.”

What a perspective! This guy was probably not making a ton of money, but he was incredibly appreciative of the job he had because he had perspective in life. He had another frame of reference to compare it to. He didn’t focus on the negative aspect of having to drive around at 3:00 am lifting heavy objects. He focused on the fact that he had a job, he was living in the most prosperous country in the world, and he was putting food on the table. This focus created a love for his job, and this love for the job paid off.

The driver had always dreamed of having his own 7-Eleven franchise but couldn’t because of the financing fee. The CEO of 7-Eleven was so impressed by the driver’s attitude and hard work that he ended up waiving the fee and handing the driver the keys to his own franchised 7-Eleven store.

People want to reward those who love what they do and appreciate their jobs. People want to throw money at those who love what they do! Think about the last waitress or taxi cab driver that showed love and passion for their work and made you feel like they actually appreciated your business. Doesn’t that make you want to overtip people? If it doesn’t, it should.

People get amazed by those who love what they do, especially when the job may be perceived as less than desirable. It’s not the job that brings happiness—it’s the perception of the job. Showing love for what you do inspires people to want to achieve more.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Inspire People to Achieve More

Based on what I do for a living, the profession I come into contact with the most is the flight attendant. I get so sick and tired of flight attendants who obviously hate their jobs. It makes me want to open the door, in flight, and say, “Get out! I will take over from here.”  So I get pretty excited when I encounter the flight attendant who loves the job.

On a return flight to California, I was pleasantly surprised to see such a flight attendant. She did her safety briefing completely outside the box, just to make it more fun for us and probably for her too. Let me give you the highlights of her message:
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our flight to Los Angeles. We want to thank you for flying with us because we know you have a choice in financially strapped airlines.

“To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull the strap tight. It works like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one… you shouldn’t be allowed in public unsupervised."

“There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways outta this plane! Here, here, here and here."

“Please exercise caution when opening the overhead bins because… shift happens."

“In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion will double as a floatation device. Simply slip your arms through the straps, pull the cushion close to your chest, jump out of the plane into the water, and then kick, paddle, paddle, kick, all the way to shore."

“In the unlikely event the cabin should lose pressure, your oxygen mask will drop down in front of you. Please secure your mask first and then assist your child. If you have more than one child… pick your favorite!”

She made one last announcement as we taxied into our gate. She said, “Please remain seated until the captain has turned off the fasten seat belt sign. At that time I will tell you what my father told me the day I turned eighteen: ‘Pack up your stuff and get out!’”

By the time she finished her safety briefing, the entire plane broke out in applause. People want to be around people who love what they do. People want to follow leaders who love what they do. People get inspired by those who love what they do. 


-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Inspire People to Achieve More

What is rewarding about your career? When you start to focus on these aspects of what you do, you will find it much easier to endure the more difficult parts of your job. When you continue to focus on the negative, it will eventually be all you see. People would be amazed at how their attitudes and dispositions would change if they only focused on the positive aspects of their jobs.

One of the ways you can encourage people to focus on the positive is to do this yourself. Type up on a piece of paper a title that says “Things I love about my job” and then make a long, bulleted list. Print it out, enlarge it, frame it, and hang it near the area you spend the most time working. This will remind you of all the things that make your job worth it. It will remind others to consider the things they love about their jobs. It will inspire people to be more positive.

As you are reading this, you might be thinking I don’t have a list of things I love about my job. Then my advice to you is this: it may be time to consider a new career. A constant negative state of mind that is created from being in a job you absolutely hate is detrimental to your health and well-being. It also hurts your followers. It hurts the people you serve in your job. It might just be time to move on to something else.


-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Inspire People to Achieve More

There is something incredibly inspiring about watching someone doing something they love. When you show people that you love what you do and have a passion for it, you inspire people to want to be more, reach more, and achieve more. Unfortunately, a lot of managers and leaders are burned out in their jobs and it shows.

Life is way too short to be in a job you hate. You have been gifted with specific skills and talents that are intended to fulfill a specific purpose and calling. If you hate your job, I can assure you—you missed your calling. You don’t have to love every single aspect of your job. You certainly don’t have to love every person you work with (whew! that’s a relief, right?). But you at least need to get up every day and feel like what you are doing is making a difference somewhere and filling some purpose in this world. What you do should stir a passion in you and inspire others.

I owned a financial planning firm for nearly ten years. I taught classes at our local community college for five years on money management. At first I was completely terrified of public speaking. It took me years to realize that there was a calling there and a passion in me. After several years, I actually loved teaching those classes, knowing that people were walking away with information that could essentially change the course of their lives if they actually applied it. Even if just one person applied the information, it made a difference to me.

As the years passed, I started to realize how much I dreaded number crunching and the financial planning aspect of my business, but I loved the speaking and teaching component. I was in my office one day when someone asked me this question: “Ten years from now, what would you be doing if you could do anything for a living and money was no object?”

I didn’t even stop to think. I quickly responded, “I would be a full time author and public speaker.” The person proceeded to ask me why I wasn’t doing it now. I gave him a list of excuses that included my investment in my financial business, my investment in my education, the success of my business, the dependence of my clients on me, etc. He shook his head, smiled, and left the room.

That conversation filled my head for months and I could not shake the implications of what he was saying. I was letting my calling pass me by and I was using excuses to facilitate the process. I had started writing at the age of thirteen and always wanted to pursue that path. But life happened. I had children, I had bills to pay, I had job commitments, and I had other responsibilities pulling at me.

So I woke up one morning and made a decision. I was not going to let life happen to me anymore. Instead, I was going to follow my passion, my gifts, and my talents to see where they led me. I sold my financial planning practice and I went full time into writing and public speaking. It was the biggest career risk I had ever taken and certainly a huge financial risk. It was a long, arduous road to success, and it certainly did not come overnight. I spent many nights lying awake wondering if I had made a mistake. But I pressed on, day after day, doing what it took to build my business and create the opportunities to use my skills and talents to fulfill a purpose that I perceived I was made for. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.
 
I get up every day now knowing that this is what I was made to do. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my God-given purpose is being fulfilled as I write and speak. I have been fortunate enough to receive emails and letters from people telling me how much a book or a presentation changed the course of their thinking or the course of their lives. It is both humbling and incredibly fulfilling to know that even one person’s life has been changed just because I pursued my passion and purpose to do something I truly enjoy.

I absolutely love what I do. Having said that, I do not love every aspect of what I do. I travel nearly every week, and sometimes I have three to four speaking engagements in one week. It is tough to be on that many flights. It is hard to be away from my family (my kids are all grown up but live close by and I still miss them when I am gone). My husband is self-employed and has the freedom to travel with me on occasion (and is kind enough to do so once in awhile), but  I am still away from him quite a bit and that gets tough at times. I encounter travel complications like lost luggage, delayed flights, and bad weather, all of which make my job much less glamorous. I have had flights cancelled only to have to rent a car and drive four hours to get into a city at 4:00 am where I have to set up at 7:00 am to speak at 8:00 am. I could dedicate an entire book to all the things that have gone wrong and made my life miserable when trying to get to a speaking event. The things I have to endure at times might make some people hate their jobs.

Not me. I hate those aspects of my job. But I don’t paint a brush of disdain over my entire career. Instead, I put up with those parts of the job to get to do what I love. I keep my focus on the positive elements of my job. I keep my focus on the people I reach and the lives I affect, even if in some small way.
I finished a presentation last week and a woman came up to me and said, “My husband and I have been trying to decide whether or not to renew our license as foster parents. After listening to your presentation, I called my husband right when it was over and said, ‘Honey, we’re doing it!’ I just know in my heart that this is what we are supposed to do.” That moment right there makes all of the nightmare travel worth it. and reminds me that the sacrifices I made are serving a purpose.


-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Inspire People to Achieve More

Just as plants grow and flourish with the sun, people grow and flourish with vision. Don’t confuse mission, vision, and core values. Your mission explains why you exist and what you do. If I owned a computer company, my mission statement might say:

“Providing high quality computers at an affordable price with outstanding service.”

A vision statement reveals what you envision for the future, where you want to be, or what you want your organization to look like. It’s not where you are at today; it’s where you want to be. The vision statement may seem lofty, but it needs to be. People want to attempt the seemingly impossible. People want to reach for the stars and turn dreams into reality. Ambitious visions inspire people to want to achieve more. My hypothetical computer company vision might say:

“Getting our computers in the hands of every person on the planet.”

Your core values lay the foundation for the behaviors you will and won’t engage in to reach your vision. The core values remind people of how you operate and the higher ground you intend to take with every decision that is made. My computer company core values statement might say:

“We value honesty, integrity, dependability, respect, work ethic, professionalism, and teamwork.”

All of these elements are important if you hope to inspire people and create an environment where self-motivation can flourish. A Watson Wyatt Work Study revealed that organizations that have strong missions and visions, which are clearly understood by employees, experience nearly 30% greater returns than other organizations. These organizations are inspiring people to achieve more.

Creating a central vision that everyone can rally around is especially crucial to inspiring others. People flourish with vision. Vision inspires others by illuminating the path to the future. Don’t underestimate the power of vision as a leader. Leaders with vision inspire people to achieve more.

How was Martin Luther King Jr. able to lead the largest non-violent revolution in American history for the rights of African Americans? What allowed Joan of Arc to lead the French Army to several critical victories during the Hundred Year’s War? How did Winston Churchill overcome a speech impediment to become one of the world’s greatest orators and political figures? How did Mahatma Gandhi, a man with no title, no wealth, and no desire for fame, bring freedom to millions of people? How was Mother Teresa able to launch the Missionaries of Charity and grow it to over 600 missions in 120 countries with thousands of volunteers when she had no money herself? What made it possible for Mary Kay Ash to launch a business with only a $5,000 investment and turn it into a $2 billion dollar a year company with nearly 2 million cosmetic consultants worldwide, earning her the honor and title of “Leading Female Entrepreneur in American History”? What empowered Nelson Mandela to spend 27 years in prison for standing up for what he believed in and then serve as the first South African president in a newly formed democratic environment?

All of these people, and countless others who have inspired millions of people around the globe share, some very important common denominators. The first one is passion. When you have passion for what you are doing, or passion for the mission, vision, and core values, you inspire people. Passion fires people up. Passion drives people to press on when others give up. Passion shows people that you care deeply about something and that draws people in.

The second common denominator is purpose. All of these people felt a strong sense of purpose in what they were doing. They knew the greater good that their actions or business would serve.

The third common denominator is vision. People with vision can picture what the future looks like. They can picture where the organization will be and how it will be perceived when the mission is achieved. They can see the end result in their minds. They can inspire other people to embrace the same vision and persevere until it is achieved. They are able to articulate the vision and they talk about it on a regular basis. Others see their enthusiasm for the vision and become enthusiastic as a result.


-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Inspire People to Achieve More

Your mission, vision, and core values are what provide the illumination people need to be inspired. These are the critical elements of your organizational foundation. Unfortunately, most employees have no idea what the mission, vision, and core values of the organization are.

I was giving a presentation to an organization on the topic of leadership. I started talking about the importance of knowing and living out the core values of the organization. This particular organization was a step ahead of many others by having their core values in an acronym form, making it easy to remember. The room was full of employees that ranged from front line in rank all the way up to management positions.

I said, “Your core values are the foundation of everything you do in your organization. They are the ruler that you measure all behavior against. Your organization is actually one step ahead of many because your core values are in an acronym. What are they?”

Cricket. Cricket. Not a word. I had experienced many organizations full of employees who had no idea what their mission, vision, or core values were. In this situation, I was sure at least someone in the group had to know what the core values were. After all, the organization went through the trouble to put them in an acronym, which is something I always recommend. Well after getting the “deer in the headlights” look from every person in the room, it became apparent that there was a huge disconnect between what the organization wanted their employees to know about the core values and what they actually knew.

People don’t care what you put in a pretty frame and hang on a wall. They want to see your mission, vision, and core values come to life in every decision you make and every action you take. Your first priority is to ensure that you are demonstrating what the core values of your organization look like in action. If you have a core value of integrity but demonstrate poor work ethic, your followers will not only fail to be inspired, they will grow resentful.

In addition to living out the mission, vision, and core values, you need to be verbalizing them on a regular basis. If you doubt the importance of this, conduct a short experiment on your own organization. Ask ten different employees to tell you in their own words what the mission, vision, and core values of the organization are. You will be surprised at how many cannot tell you. This is the result of assuming that if they have been told once or it is included in their employee manual, on the web, and on the wall, they should know it. They don’t. They need that ingrained training where they see it lived out and heard often.

Too many managers try to use policy alone to gain compliance or desired behavior in followers. That doesn’t inspire people to want to do better. When you sit down with someone and talk about core values, you take the conversation to a different level. When you discuss your core value of respect when resolving a conflict between two employees, you move beyond policy to values that inspire people to a higher level of behavior and performance.

When you are sitting in meeting after meeting with employees setting goals, objectives, and strategy, your mission, vision, and core values should be coming up every time. The more you are discussing these things, the more employees will remember them. If your followers can’t articulate in their own words the mission, vision, and core values of your organization, there is a huge disconnect between what hangs on the wall and what hangs in their hearts.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Inspire People to Achieve More

A glimpse of the sun will get people on track who are lost, but as soon as it disappears again, they will start walking in circles as before. The only way to keep people consistently walking in the same direction is to have constant illumination. Your central vision needs to be communicated constantly. Ingraining this in your initial and ongoing training is essential.

Organizational theorist Karl Weick tells the story of airplanes that are flown by U.S. pilots in North America and Europe. The plane is the same whether it’s located in North America or Europe except for one thing: the ejection system varies by location. In North America, the pilots eject through the top of the plane. In Europe, the pilots eject through the bottom of the plane. Many of the U.S. pilots became accustomed to flying the planes in Europe where the pilots eject from the bottom. So they are trained in an emergency to roll the plane and eject themselves upward so they can parachute back down to safety.

When these pilots transfer to the United States, they are retrained for the North American planes that eject the pilot from the top. So they are taught, in an emergency, simply eject yourself upward.

This should be a simple enough transition, but that is not always the case. Some of the transferred pilots, in times of emergency, rolled the planes upside down and ejected themselves to their death. When faced with crisis, they reverted to their most deeply ingrained training.

This is what we do in life. When we find ourselves in stress or crisis, we revert to what we know best. You can’t train someone just once and expect that your problem is solved. Ingrained training that creates a subconscious desired reaction takes practice, practice, practice. You must train over and over on your vision and purpose and how it relates to the daily tasks that people are engaging in. As you continue to do this and people experience stress and crisis, they will turn to the ingrained vision and purpose you have instilled in them.


-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Inspire People to Achieve More

Leaders have a responsibility to light the way for people and illuminate the vision. It’s the vision that keeps people focused and purposeful. It keeps them moving in the same direction. It keeps their eye on their destination. While many leaders excel in communicating a vision initially, they often fail to keep the vision at the forefront of people’s minds. Countless organizations pay consultants to help them create committees who hash out a vision statement that hangs on a wall, graces a web site, and may even be found in brochures. But it’s something that few talk about in the organization on a regular basis.

As team meetings and brain storming sessions occur, few leaders are showing people how to align goals, objectives, or action plans with the central vision and purpose of the organization. Few leaders are helping individuals make the connection between their own goals and objectives and the central vision. Some leaders forget themselves what they are aiming for and how they plan to get there.

Just as the sun disappears behind the clouds or a deep layer of fog, the vision is often clouded by daily distractions, causing people to lose focus, walk in circles, lose sight of the goal, and give up. Those minor errors in sensory signals that add up and cause people to walk in circles are present in organizations. They are the daily dramas that every person deals with from crisis management, to poor communication to internal conflict

Think of your central vision as your guiding sun. Make sure your followers “see” it constantly so they feel a strong sense of direction. The best way for them to see it is when it’s lived out in you. When they see your passion for the vision and your continual reference to “why we are here” from a positive point of view, they become inspired.



-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Inspire People to Achieve More

A fire department located in California did not have a helicopter program, and as far as they knew, they did not need one. But that’s not what one firefighter believed. Brian had come over from the California Department of Forestry where he had been involved in air programs. He thought a helicopter program would be a huge benefit to the department and would serve the higher purpose of saving more lives and more property. He started asking around to see what the possibilities were, but continued to reach dead ends.  

So he started gathering information. On his own time and on his own dime, he started going to national air program conferences to find out what other departments were doing. He started putting together ideas and proposals and then took them to Kinkos to get reproduced so they looked professional. People with a strong sense of purpose will go to greater extremes to make visions realities.

One of the lifeguards in the department had a brother on the city council. Brian asked him to set up a lunch meeting where he could meet with the lifeguard’s brother. He ran his ideas by the city council member who loved it. He said if more support could be garnered, he might be able to get some city money allotted to the program. It would cost $4 million to get the helicopter and $2 million a year to keep it in service for the department. The city council member suggested going after some corporate sponsors.

With a sense of excitement, Brian went back to some of his chiefs and pitched the idea. They all shot him down. He had to listen to discouraging statements like:

“There is no way we will convince the fire chief or taxpayers that money should go to a helicopter when we need new engines and other equipment.”

“Your fellow firefighters will oppose it if it means money taken away from things they need.”

“We’ve survived just fine all this time without one, why would we need one now?”

“The way we’ve always done things has worked just fine.”

“We will never see something like this happen in our lifetimes… give up, it’s a waste of time.”

Most people would have done just that. Brian didn’t. He had a driving sense of purpose and he wasn’t about to give up on it. He continued to go to conferences and gather information. He refused to let the vision die. He spent a couple of years being persistent with the idea and tried inspiring people in every way possible. He finally got a few chiefs behind the idea. He got some other firefighters behind the idea. They scheduled meetings with local and state political officials to see what could be done. A county supervisor came up with a possibility. He knew of a government fund that the project might qualify for that would produce a substantial amount of money toward the project if they could match it.

The city council finally agreed to come up with $400,000 which was matched to sponsor a 120 day program. Wildland fires hit the area and the helicopter was put into action. The media covered the fires as well as the new helicopter in action. The public saw how beneficial it was. Now there was support for getting a permanent helicopter program.

Brian had to continue the process of inspiring others with his sense of purpose to get surrounding participating agencies on board and circumvent some surfacing resistance. During this long process, Brian was promoted to a Captain, then to a Battalion Chief, and then to a Division Chief. After eight years of persistent influence, Brian’s fire department became the proud owner of its first helicopter. It took a lot of influence, leadership, and inspiration to get city council support, taxpayer support, and corporate sponsors behind the new permanent program, but Brian pulled it off. He was able to instill that strong sense of purpose in those he needed to so they could see how this program could positively impact their community. The city council made a decision to allocate $2 million a year to the program. The department now has a second full-time helicopter and the department is one of only two in the nation who use night vision goggles to perform helicopter rescue and suppression operations at night.

You didn’t see Brian’s name in any of the newspapers that announced the new program. You didn’t see his name on the side of the helicopter. He wasn’t on the maiden flight with the fire chief and the mayor. Brian didn’t need the credit. He was just proud to see his dream and vision become a reality after eight years. That is how having a sense of purpose and instilling it in others can inspire people around you to achieve what is deemed as impossible. Never underestimate the power of purpose.

What is the greater purpose I see in the job I do or the life I live?

What is the greater purpose of the job and tasks of those I want to inspire?

What action can I take today to begin instilling a greater sense of purpose in those I want to inspire?

What is the greater purpose I see in the job I do or the life I live?

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Inspire People to Achieve More

Great leaders instill a strong sense of purpose in people. In organizational settings, this includes communicating the overall purpose of the organization. It also extends to making a connection between daily tasks that are performed and the purpose of those tasks. Many managers and leaders don’t bother to take the time and energy necessary to convey the purpose of the work being performed.

In some cases where leaders do communicate the purpose, they often do it in a mission or vision statement that hangs on a wall. New employees are usually given a copy of this or expected to read it as they pass it in the hallway. An assumption is frequently made that employees should see, recognize, and remember the purpose of the organization and the work that is performed. People don’t pay attention as much as you might think unless something is brought to their attention.    

Thousands of people walk through the metro station in Washington D.C. every day. One January morning a man started to play the violin as people hurried to meet their schedules. This man played six different Bach pieces for about forty-five minutes.

Most people rushed past the violin player, paying no attention. A middle aged man stopped for a moment to listen and then went on his way. After about four minutes of playing, a woman threw him his first tip: one dollar. Minutes later, a man leaned against the wall and listened for a short time, but then hurried away.

Every time a child walked by, the child tried to stop and listen. Every single parent refused to stop and forced the child to continue on.  People continued to walk past the violin player, barely noticing his presence.

In the forty-five minute period that the musician played the violin, only six people stopped and listened for a short time. Approximately twenty people gave him tip money but continued to walk without stopping. A total of $32 was given to this man while he played.

When he finished playing, no one noticed the music had stopped. No one stopped to applaud his performance. No one cared. Would their response have been different if someone had pointed out to them that the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the absolute best musicians in the world? Would they have been stunned to know that Joshua Bell was sitting in their metro station playing one of the most complex pieces ever composed on a violin that was valued at over $3.5 million dollars?

This was an actual experiment organized by the Washington Post as a social experiment about the perceptions and priorities of people. Joshua Bell played incognito to determine if people were able to recognize talent in an unexpected context. As it turns out, people were not able to perceive, appreciate, or recognize the level of talent before them without having someone open their eyes to the depth of what they were seeing and hearing. Journalist Gene Weingarten earned a Pulitzer Prize for his analysis of the experiment and the role context plays in our artistic perceptions.

I would argue that people are often too busy and too distracted to recognize the purpose their job serves. They are often unaware of how their work or tasks affect others in a positive way. Every day people rush from one project to the next, missing the greater purpose that their life or work would be serving. If someone took the time to stop them and point out the beauty of the purpose they serve, their perceptions could change drastically.

Let’s go back to the firefighter example during an earlier post. Burned out firefighters don’t need another strategic plan thrown at them. They don’t need another mission statement hung on a wall. They need inspirational leaders who will sit down and have the tough conversations with them. They need leaders who will remind them of why they got into this profession in the first place. They need leaders who will stop addressing symptoms and get to the cause of the problems. They need better role models to follow up, down, and across the chain of command. They need people who will inspire them to achieve more.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Inspire People to Achieve More

When people have a sense that their work actually matters, they will achieve more. One study in particular revealed how attaching purpose to a task can result in higher achievement. Dr. Adam Grant had initially hoped to apply the concepts of job redesign and enrichment to increase performance levels of call center employees in the Midwest. These employees were charged with the task of calling the alumni of a large public university and soliciting donations. Employee motivation was low and turnover was high, exceeding 400% annually.

Job redesign typically involves adding some variety to the tasks performed, providing more freedom and decision-making in the task performance process, and allowing employees more input into how the job gets done. In the case of the call center, this was not an option. The managers of the call center made it clear that there was only one job to do and one way to do it: make calls to alumni and ask for money.

Dr. Grant and his team of researchers surveyed and interviewed the employees and discovered that the call center employees were not aware of how alumni donations were used once they were received by the university. They had no idea that the majority of the funds went directly to scholarships that allowed students to attend the university.

At this point, the researchers attempted to apply the concepts of job redesign by attaching purpose to the task to see if it would improve the level of achievement. The callers were put in contact with some of the recipients of the scholarships so the callers could gain an understanding of how their task performance benefited others and served a higher purpose.

The callers were provided with face-to-face meetings with the scholarship recipients or given letters explaining how the scholarship had affected the lives of the recipients in a positive way. The researchers measured the performance of the callers before and after the interactions with the scholarship recipients to see if the attachment of purpose to the task improved performance.

The results showed a drastic improvement in performance, even after a month since contact with the scholarship recipient (or reading the letter). The call center employees who were exposed to the higher purpose of their jobs spent twice as much time on the phone, got twice as many pledges, and raised twice as much money per week. The call center employees who were not connected with the scholarship recipients showed no significant changes in performance achievement.

The researchers conducted more experiments that yielded the same results. In one particular case, after callers heard the story of one of the scholarship recipients, the donations raised per week was increased fivefold. New employees who were exposed to the higher purpose of their task performance during training also gained twice as many pledges in their first week than employees who were just asked to make the calls. People want to know that what they do makes a difference and serves a purpose. This sense of purpose inspires people to achieve more.

People want to know that what they do is important. They want their jobs to serve a greater purpose than simply performing tasks to collect a paycheck. People want to know that even their small tasks may be contributing to something bigger than they are. A sense of purpose inspires people more than money. A great example of this is the phenomenon of “crowdsourcing.”

If you’re not familiar with the term, I’m confident you will recognize what it is. Crowdsourcing is the process of outsourcing a particular task to a large group (the crowd) that traditionally one individual may have performed. The crowd or community works independently from each other but they all work for a common purpose. In many situations, people who participate in crowdsourcing are never paid. An example of this would be Wikipedia. No one is paid to submit information, edit submissions, track down sources, delete electronic vandalism quickly, or keep articles up to date. Anyone in the global community can edit a Wikipedia page, contribute new information, delete information, or vandalize information.

So how is Wikipedia able to keep people from trashing the content when it is so open and accessible to anyone? This is accomplished through a shared sense of purpose in the community that is stronger than the desire to do harm to others.  The collective community consisting of people around the globe who participate in keeping Wikipedia a viable starting place to gather information feels a strong sense of purpose. They see value in providing free information on every imaginable topic and person. This sense of purpose drives people to donate their time and expertise as they gain personal satisfaction from being a part of something so much bigger than themselves.


-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Inspire People to Achieve More

Far too many managers and leaders are convinced that people work for a paycheck. There is a misconception that people are generally motivated by money and the more money they receive, the more satisfied they are with their jobs. Many surveys and studies have shown that money rarely ranks at the top when employees are asked what is most important to them.

I conducted the largest known study in the fire service on the topics of leadership and organizational commitment. The study showed that paid firefighters reported lower organizational commitment levels than volunteer firefighters. It might be easy to assume that if a firefighter was paid, he would be even more committed to the job. That is apparently not the case. Volunteer firefighters do not have a financial motive for being a volunteer. They gain a sense of purpose from helping others and rising to the challenge of being a firefighter. I am not suggesting that paid firefighters don’t also have this purpose in mind, but I have personally come across far too many paid firefighters who have reached the sad place of hating their jobs and are just waiting to retire. Unfortunately, they have come to depend on that paycheck and won’t switch departments or careers.

Volunteer firefighters don’t receive any pay for what they do. They have other jobs that support their families or they may already be retired. While some of them still deal with leaders who are less than inspirational and environments that do not foster self-motivation, they don’t have to deal with these types of issues nearly as much as a career firefighter. Career firefighters often begin their jobs with a great sense of purpose that slowly dwindles.

They may realize over time that they are not fighting fires or going on as many emergency calls as they envisioned. They may come face-to-face with the politics of their department and the “in-fighting.” They may find themselves in the middle of management and labor disputes. They may watch incompetent coworkers get promoted over them. They may find themselves working for leaders who do not inspire others in the least. As a result, the sense of purpose they felt when they originally decided to become a firefighter starts to fade. Paying a firefighter doesn’t create more commitment to the organization. These firefighters need leaders who know how to inspire and re-ignite that sense of purpose in them. This concept applies to every industry and sector where people find themselves getting burned out or disillusioned with the job. Positive inspiration can often help with this problem.  


-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Inspire People to Achieve More

Maybe you have heard the saying, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for life.” Well even if you teach a man to fish, he still has to make the decision to be self-motivated enough to actually go out and fish. People have to want to make the necessary changes in their lives to achieve more. People have to accept help that is offered to become better. People have to allow themselves to be inspired by others to be self-motivated.

You can’t force people into that position. Does that mean you should never try? Absolutely not! Many people will allow themselves to be inspired by others and they will choose to be motivated.

There are a variety of ways to inspire people to be self-motivated and that’s what this is all about. As you come across the action plans throughout this section of the blog, take the time to answer the questions. Your brain has an amazing capacity to come up with some very creative answers and solutions when you take the time to ask the right questions. Reading the questions that will be posed throughout this section of the blog and taking a few moments to really think about and answer them will make you more accountable to do something with the information and ideas you gather. Knowledge is not power. Acting on the knowledge is what will give you the power to do great things.

Who are the people/groups in my life I would like to inspire to achieve more?

What challenges might I face with each person or group?

What can I do today to begin to overcome those challenges?

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Inspire People to Achieve More

Leaders are always looking for new and more effective  ways to motivate people to get things done or achieve more. I am of the opinion that you cannot motivate people. Motivation is something that is intrinsic, and people make the choice to be self-motivated. However, a good leader can definitely engage in actions and activities that spark or squelch someone’s self-motivation. As a leader, you can inspire people, and you can cultivate an atmosphere where self-motivation can flourish. You can provide an environment that is conducive to self-motivation. There are a variety of ways to accomplish this, and sadly, many leaders resort to being forceful in an attempt to motivate people.

You can put a gun to someone’s head in an effort to trigger self-motivation. I am not particularly self-motivated to sky dive. If you put a gun to my head and told me I had to or I would die, my level of internal motivation would suddenly skyrocket in this environment. There is a very big problem with this approach: while the gun is in your hand and the force is in my face, my motivation to do what you ask flourishes in your presence. But as soon as you turn your back, I will look for the first opportunity to grab the gun and use it on you. I live in fear trying to find a way out of the hostage and hostile situation. I resent the position of authority you have over me and how you are abusing power with force.

When people are positively inspired to do something or to achieve more, they carry that inspiration with them in your presence as well as your absence. Leaders who resort to force will certainly get people to do what they need them to do in the presence of the leader. People will perform and try to achieve more out of fear. They may fear losing their job. They may fear disciplinary actions. They may fear the wrath of the leader. This fear will drive them to compliance in the face of the leader. However, this forceful approach will cause people to undermine the leader behind his back. People will seek ways to use the negative leadership and force against the leader to free themselves from the seemingly hostage situation.

People want to be positively inspired to be self-motivated. This is true for an employee, a teenager, a spouse, a friend, or a business associate.  Some people mistakenly think of positive inspiration as bribing people or throwing money at them. It surprises many people to know that very often money does not motivate people in the least. There are other factors besides money that cause people to feel motivated.

To be continued...


-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Inspire People to Achieve More

It might be very wise for you to stop for a moment and evaluate your feelings. Make some notes and list the people or things that are annoying you. Have you been hurt by something someone has said? Have you been jumping to conclusions about your situation and looking at the worse possible scenario? Are you feeling threatened or inferior? Look for patterns of recurring emotions in your life.
 
Have you ever driven down the road or stopped at a red light and noticed people talking to themselves in their cars? They are thinking about something. They are experiencing some strong emotions—strong enough to talk out loud to themselves or to the other person they are thinking about. Have you done this?

You might be wise to put your own thoughts on trial—are they based on facts or feelings? What is the source of those thoughts or facts? Is it a reliable source? Is it biased?

As you mentally face conflict, you will experience initial feelings in response to the conflict. These initial feelings let you know there is an issue that needs to be addressed and it’s an important one. The chart below shows many of the initial feelings you may experience in response to conflict.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

Many of our conflict situations can find their root in our displacement of emotions. We can be upset or angry with one person and take it out on somebody else. We all have experienced having a bad day and taking out our frustrations on our family and friends.

Do you find yourself pressing harder on the gas pedal after someone cut you off on the freeway? Do you tickle your children unmercifully? Have you found yourself playing roughly with your dog? Are you short of patience? If so, you may be displacing your emotions.

When you feel yourself getting upset over some conflicting event, be sure to make a stop at the memory file. Does the individual involved in the conflict remind you of someone out of your past? It could be a parent, relative, or former boss. It might be a friend, teacher, or someone in authority. The situation you may presently be facing might remind you of some previous conflict. It may be very similar. It is important not to bring feelings and emotions out of the past and add them to your present situation. As you review your memories, you may be surprised how much hurt, anger, and old grudges you carry with you, ready to deposit on another person.


-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

When a conflicting event occurs, we sometimes perceive or assume that certain things are happening when they really aren’t. You need to get more information to determine if the way you are feeling or thinking is based on valid reasons. We may have all of the facts. We may have misunderstood what someone said. A friend or coworker could have given us false information.

Before you lash out verbally at someone, you’d do well to ask a few questions first. Questions are a great way to get more information and clarify other people’s words and actions. Consider such questions as:

• I’m not sure I understood what you meant. Could you please explain it a little more?
• I get the impression that you’re upset with me. Are you?
• I noticed you were doing _________. Could you please help me to understand why you were doing that?
• I may be wrong, but I feel as though there may be a problem between us. Is my perception correct?

This will pose more of a challenge for the Drivers and the Expressives than the Amiables and the Analyticals. Drivers and Expressives are “tellers,” and tend to say what’s on their mind right away. Amiables and Analyticals are “askers,” and tend to pause before they speak.

As you can see by the Flow-of-Conflict chart below, conflict interrupts an otherwise tranquil existence. We may be on cruise control in life when some form of conflict triggers a reaction. The first process in coping with the conflict is the mental response. A verbal response often follows, as well as a physical response. The mental, verbal, and physical responses can all be negative responses or positive ones, depending on the choices we exercise as we face the conflict. 

 

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

“It’s all in your mind.” Have you ever had someone say that to you? “You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.” How about that one? Sometimes we create or escalate a potential conflict in our own minds. We jump to conclusions or we make assumptions. As a result, conflict begins to brew inside our heads before we have a chance to rationalize the facts.

Sometimes emotions get in the way. Sometimes we allow past experiences to frame the outcome of potential conflict. Once the feelings and actual facts of the conflict are mingled in your mind, actual behaviors manifest themselves. Some of those behaviors include withdrawal, aggression, competition, debate, and problem-solving. As the chart below depicts, conflict begins with circumstances, comments, or behaviors, and progresses to either agreement or defeat.

Not every social style looks forward to dealing with confrontation. Some people view confrontation negatively. In some cases, people have had very negative experiences with confronting others, so they give up. In other cases, they simply do not want to face the potential tension that may come with the confrontation.

Review the chart below for the most common ways people respond to conflict. How do you deal with conflict? Do you ignore it? Do you walk away and withdraw? Do you compromise and not really get to the real issue? Or do you confront the conflict and blast through to positive resolution?


Conflict is not always easy, and for some people, it’s a dreaded nightmare. Below are some outstanding reasons why you should embrace confrontation with a positive mindset.

Confrontation is an Act of Caring
The confronter is not willing for the other person to live with an internal discrepancy that may harm him or her. The confronter will not sit quietly by, watching the person walk blindly toward a cliff.

Confrontation is a Responsibility  
Confrontations we experience with others have helped us grow in wisdom and self-control. We ought to give others the same benefit.

Confrontation Puts Limits on the Relationship
It states that we do not fully accept something about the other person’s behavior, beliefs, or attitudes. To some extent, we reject part of the other person. This can be painful to him or her and scary for you because you wonder if you may be rejected in return.

Confrontation Must Be an Act of Integrity  
Because entering into another person’s life is risky, doing it can be motivated by selfishness—or love. The confronted person will quickly know from which motive it comes. Confrontation must not result in dirtying the relationship with snobbery or spite. It must know the difference between punishment and discipline, right and wrong, justice and mercy.

Confrontation Seeks To Help Others Understand Themselves Better
The confronter does as much as possible to understand before trying to teach understanding.

Confrontation Must Be Done with Care and Flexibility
It may take some brute force to move entrenched habits in new directions, but at the same time, it needs finesse. Humans are fragile and can be painfully broken. So the confronter decides whether to be direct or indirect, to confront now or later, and whether to be gentle or tough. The vehicle of confrontation can be a limousine, a pickup truck, or a car-crushing monster truck.

Confrontation is an Act of Courage
It may strain the relationship for a time. The confronter may be ignored, rebuffed, ridiculed, attacked—or all of these. The confronter recognizes and accepts the risk and tries to keep it to a minimum.

Confrontation is an Investment in the Future  
There may not be any benefit for a long time. In the short run, it is easier to avoid the hassle and not confront, but that’s a second-best choice.
 
Confrontation is an Uncomfortable Act for Many Persons  
Knowing that the confronted person might be a little tense often creates tension in the confronter. But avoiding or postponing the confrontation usually makes it more difficult to do later.

Confrontation is an Act of Optimism
The confronter becomes deeply involved in the life of the other person by challenging that person to become more involved in his or her own life. It is the confronter’s way of saying, “Life is good. It is so good that I’m not willing to let you half-live your life.”

While initially it may seem difficult to confront conflict, confrontation will actually reduce the amount of conflict you must face. The chart below depicts the amount of success in reducing conflict relative to the conflict intensity. If the conflict intensity is extremely low, you have concealed-conflict in your life (unexpressed). Coupled with the low conflict-intensity is the low productiveness of reducing the actual conflict. If the conflict intensity is high and you have unrestrained expression of conflict, you will experience the same problem—the productiveness of reducing the conflict will suffer.

Once you strike a balance with managed conflict, you will begin to confront the conflicts in your life in a positive manner. The conflict is being confronted (expressed) in a balanced manner, and as a result, the productiveness of the confliction reduction is successful.


-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

Nothing could be farther from the truth. Conflict is a sign that people do genuinely care. Their emotional attachment to the issue(s) is a sign that they have deep concerns about the problem at hand. Their willingness to confront the issues, knowing that it can result in tension, shows they care.

When Jesus went head-to-head with the Pharisees on a variety of issues, it wasn’t because he didn’t care; quite the contrary, he cared very much. When Jesus turned the tables over in the temple, it wasn’t because he could care less about people and their feelings. Jesus dealt with that conflict because he cared very much about people and how they viewed the temple of God.

Take a moment and evaluate your paradigm when it comes to conflict. Do you view all conflict as bad and avoid it? Do you think that people who engage in conflict do not care? A close examination of our own belief system often gives us a deeper insight into why we approach conflict the way we do. Ask God to unveil some myths that you may be embracing about conflict.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

There are those who endeavor to separate facts from emotions in conflict situations. They suggest that only the facts are important. The implication is that emotions are not to be involved, or at the least, should not carry much weight. While it is true that conflict occurs over issues and facts, a person’s behavior and emotions do play an important role. Emotions indicate the degree of importance the individual feels about the issue at hand. Emotions are the thermometer that indicates the intensity of the conflict.

Social-style differences will result in the manifestation of emotional or unemotional responses to conflict. Drivers and Analyticals tend to approach conflict on a lower emotional level than Amiables and Expressives.    

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

People often hold on to the misconception that if they ignore conflict long enough, it will disappear all by itself. Some people hold the view that attempting to deal with the conflict will only make it worse. As a result, some people choose to ignore conflict and assume it will go away.

When you ignore conflict, it merely grows. While people may remain silent on the outside about the conflict, they may be fuming on the inside. The conflict may be growing along with more dissension and resentment. Ignoring conflict will not help the situation. Facing conflict and learning constructive ways to resolve conflict is much healthier than ignoring conflict.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

This concept does not even touch the reality of life—those who cannot, or will not deal with conflict usually suggest that harmony is normal and conflict is abnormal. It is not a pleasant experience to confront anyone. When people find their anger and fear rising to the surface, it makes them uncomfortable. Rather than facing their emotions or the emotions of others, they run away from conflict. They withdraw, avoid, and shun conflict situations or conflict-producing people. To help reinforce their fear, they suggest that harmony is normal and conflict is abnormal. This is used as a technique to get others to conform to their way of thinking—you must not be normal if you are involved in conflict. The truth is that harmony is possible and conflict is normal.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

There is no question that people with psychological problems have conflicts but so does everyone else. Those who have psychological issues are sometimes hampered to a greater extent in coping with their problems. They often do not possess the skills necessary to constructively deal with conflict. To say that when conflict occurs, the individual has psychological problems is simply a “put-down” technique. It places the person making the comment in a “one-upmanship” position. Conflict is normal between all people, not just those with psychological problems.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

It would be nice if all conflict could be reduced or avoided. It must be kept in mind that conflict is a universal human experience. Conflict is going to come our way whether we like it or not. We will continue to experience conflicts within our own personality. We will not be able to escape conflicts in relationships with others. We will also be unable to run from conflicts caused by unforeseen accidents, illness, or acts of nature. It would be better to reduce our emotional reaction to conflict, rather than avoiding conflict (which is impossible). Let’s learn healthy methods for dealing with and resolving conflict.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

The implied concept is that if you disagree with me, there is something wrong with you. It must be something inherent in your character and personality. It also suggests that the only people who have conflicts are those with personality problems. The fact is, everyone will face conflicts, or will start conflicts with other people. When personality and social-style differences enter in, it only adds to the intensity of the conflict; it is not necessarily the cause of the conflict.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

 

Sometimes conflict must be escalated before a resolution can be reached. The escalation of conflict is a major factor in labor union disputes. It helps to force the issue and bring it to a point of resolution. The increase of conflict becomes so uncomfortable that the individuals or group have to face each other. They have to work it out. The conflict itself becomes the catalyst that sets the needed change in motion.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

  

It is true that conflict can damage or destroy a relationship. It is also true that conflict can unify relationships when misunderstandings are cleared up. The resolving of conflict can draw individuals or groups together. Positive confrontation and conflict resolution can dissolve built up bitterness and pave the way to cohesiveness. Unresolved conflict is what destroys relationships. Conflict handled in a constructive manner can actually enhance relationships.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

When you think of the word “conflict,” what comes to mind? For some people, it’s a negative situation that should always be avoided. For others, conflict is not such a bad thing and can result in healthy resolutions. There are many myths about conflict that should be addressed. Review the ten myths that will be posted over the next few weeks and evaluate your own belief system about conflict. Have you ever found yourself embracing any of these myths?
    
Myth #1: All Conflict is Bad
Many people believe that conflict is bad because emotions get aroused and issues are often left unsettled. Because they do not like the negative feelings they are dealing with, they tend to avoid conflict. The establishing of the United States began with a conflict between freedom and tyranny. It took a conflict to end slavery. Standing up to a bully at school in an effort to end his reign of terror may be unnerving and difficult, but the result will give long-term peace.

Conflict often arises when the rights of one person or a group are violated. Accepting the violation does not settle the issue.

The violation needs to be discussed and resolved if possible. This brings about conflict that may result in positive change. Conflict can be positive:
•   Conflict can increase the motivation of both individuals and groups to learn to get along with each other
•   Conflict can be responsible for increased creativity and problem solving
•   Conflict can help individuals, or a group, unify and draw together, seeking mutual goals
•   Conflict can lead to understanding and the clearing up of miscommunication
•   Conflict can help both individuals and groups to grow
 
In the book of Galatians, Paul describes how he opposed Peter face-to-face because, as Paul describes, Peter was clearly in the wrong. Paul was not afraid to address conflict in the church and he often encouraged and admonished others to do the same.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips)

What exactly is conflict? Daniel Webster defines it as:

1.   Competitive or opposing action of incompatibilities
2.   Antagonistic state or action (as of divergent ideas, interests, or persons)
3.   Struggle resulting from incompatible needs, drives, wishes, or demands
4.   Hostile encounter

Conflict occurs for a variety of reasons, and there are many ways to address conflict with the goal of reconciliation or resolution. You will soon discover that there are many faces to conflict, and many reasons why it can occur.

The Many Faces of Conflict
Conflict is quite normal, natural, and to be expected when people live or work together. Conflict does not necessarily mean that one person or group of people is bad and the other person or group is good. It does not mean that the motivations on one side are negative and the motivations of the other side are positive. Conflict occurs when people care about an issue, there is disagreement over an issue, or there is some form of misunderstanding involved in the issue.

Conflict can occur when there are unclear jurisdictions of responsibilities and authority. When boundaries are fuzzy, people often wander into other people’s territory. Role definitions may overlap. Job descriptions may not be outlined or followed.

Conflict can occur when two individuals or groups have the same interest in mind. They may be in need of, or struggling for, the same resources. The resources may be limited and one individual or group will not be able to reach their goals.

Conflict can occur where there are communication barriers. There can be little or no communication taking place. This may be caused by time difficulties or the restraints of distance. The communication may simply be unclear, causing misunderstanding.

Conflict can occur when people or groups of people are dependent on others for the accomplishment of their tasks. They must rely on their performance. If they do not follow through, the project may be damaged, altered, or uncompleted.

Conflict can occur when different levels of authority are involved. When the chain of command is not followed, disruption can result. Jurisdictional disputes can create numerous disagreements. Various levels of power can create tension, fear, and anger.

Conflict can occur when decisions have to be made by a group of people. This type of discussion may demand the need for conflict-resolution skills. Each of the parties present may have different abilities in making decisions and handling disagreement productively.

Conflict can occur when there must be a consensus among the parties, and it is often difficult to get everyone in a group to agree on a subject. And if the group decides on a particular course of action, not everyone will support the action with their full participation.

Conflict can occur when there is an excess of regulations. When rules and regulations are imposed, it is the natural tendency for people to rebel or resent those rules. New policies and procedures are not always received with open arms. Change is difficult for most people. It has been said that the only one who likes change is a newborn baby.

Conflict can occur due to a history of prior unresolved conflicts between the parties where the trust level may be extremely low. They may not want to commit themselves to another situation where they may be hurt or embarrassed. Broken commitments take time to overcome. The Chinese proverb says, “Trust, like fine china, once broken can be repaired ... but it is never quite the same.”

Conflict can occur when selfishness is involved. The unwillingness to negotiate, compromise, or work together, can turn minor conflicts into war. Individuals, only concerned about their own welfare or interests, destroy family or business unity. The welfare of individuals or groups takes a back seat to their own selfish interests. Life then begins to revolve around the self-centered individual.

Conflict can occur when the different social styles become frustrated with the behaviors of the other social styles. Someone is not making decisions fast enough for someone else. Someone is not thinking through his or her decisions and that causes conflict for someone else. Differences in behavior will inevitably cause conflict.

As you can see, there are many causes for conflict. There are also many perceptions about conflict. Some people see conflict as negative, while others see it as positive. Some see conflict as contradictory to Biblical teachings while others believe conflict is an inevitable part of life that can be dealt with in a Biblical manner. Past patterns of thinking, patterning, and upbringing, certainly play a role in how we deal with conflict. Examine the lists that follow and evaluate your assumptions about conflict.

What are Your Assumptions about Conflict?
In the two lists below, place checks in the boxes that most clearly represent your present view toward conflict.



Our past conditioning may be playing a large role in our conflict-resolution skills. If we have been conditioned to think that all conflict is bad and should be avoided, we will most likely avoid all confrontations. If we have been conditioned to “bite our tongues,” we will most likely smile and not say what we really feel. There are many myths and misconceptions about conflict. The next post will address these myths as you begin to recondition your thinking in regards to conflict.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled How to Deal with Annoying People (co-author Bob Phillips) 

People love your sense of humor and your tendency to be the life of the party. You make people laugh and you can be very enthusiastic and expressive. People appreciate your appealing personality, charisma, and persuasive nature.

A major area that needs improvement is reserving your opinion. You tend to let everyone know where you stand on every issue and you are sometimes a little overwhelming with your views. Back off a little, lower your voice, and let other people get a word in edgewise.

Another appropriate goal for you would be working on your listening skills. You tend to interrupt, interject, and talk over the top of people, especially when you are angry and passionate about a subject. Practice listening intently and asking questions of the person. Try to not “one up” their stories or make all of the conversations about you.

You come on pretty strong at times and that can scare people off. You can also be a compulsive talker and that turns people off at times as well. You exude a restless energy that can make Analyticals and Amiables uncomfortable.

You love getting involved in big, complicated projects, but you get bored easily and don’t always follow through. You need to work on focus and follow through when it comes to projects and goals so you can be more productive.

As a parent, you don’t always listen to the whole story and this frustrates your children. Hear them out and exercise some patience, because you are very easily angered. You can be inconsistent with rules and discipline and this will frustrate your spouse and children.

You forget your obligations and appointments at times and this would be a good area to work on. Write things down. Use a PDA. Show up on time.

In your circle of friends, you will often dominate conversations and take center stage. Try to share the lime light with others so your friends don’t grow to resent you. You also answer for people and tell people how they should be living their lives. Practice waiting for people to ask you for input before offering it.

You make decisions very quickly, and often without all the facts and information you need. As a result, people may view you as making rash decisions.  You need to think before you act more often.

You also need to take things seriously once in awhile. You are great at turning disaster into humor, but there are times when the jokes and humor need to be put on hold so a serious issue can be dealt with. You don’t always pick appropriate times, places, or situations to let your humor rip.

Lastly, you tend to get very emotional about things. Try to keep your emotions in check, especially in conflict or when you are angry. You would do well to leave the room, take a deep breath, count to 100, and then come back and deal with the situation. Otherwise, you may end up saying things you regret later.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

You are generally the most liked person in an organization or a group of friends because you try to avoid conflict and make everyone happy. People appreciate your kind and diplomatic disposition as well as the compassion you show for others.

You need to improve in the area of dealing with conflict. You find it difficult to tell people how you really feel because you don’t want to create conflict or stress. As a result, you often let people roll over the top of you, including your kids and coworkers. As a parent, you struggle with being a disciplinarian and will sometimes try to be more of a friend to your kids. Be aware of the importance of setting boundaries and enforcing those boundaries with your children and the people you may supervise at work.

Another area you need to work on is being passive aggressive. When people make you angry or hurt you in some way, you would rather not confront them about it. As a result, there are times when you may resort to passive aggressive behavior to “get back at them.” Try to confront people and issues with an understanding that it can actually improve your relationship, not destroy it.

Take a stand on important issues. Drivers and Expressives would rather you disagree with them than not have an opinion. Try to not take it personally when people show anger or frustration, as you often internalize the feelings of others.

Practice making decisions faster. You tend to be indecisive because you are fearful of making the wrong decision and causing potential conflict in your life. Stretch yourself in this area knowing that Drivers and Expressives struggle with people who are very slow to make decisions.

You tend to prefer to watch and observe over active engagement. As a result, you can come across as blasé and indifferent. Try to show a little more passion and conviction about things that are important to the people you live with and work with.

Try to stretch yourself in the risk-taking area as well. You tend to want to play it safe in a lot of areas in life, and you may be missing out on some great opportunities and experiences by not taking the occasional risk.

You would also benefit from trying to set more goals for yourself. You are not always the most motivated person in the world, and goal setting may help you in this area.

Change is not high on your list of loves in life. You tend to resist change, and in a work environment this can bring other people down. Even if you do like the change being proposed, you can come across as unenthusiastic about it. Be aware of how people perceive your quiet disposition: you are often seen as too shy and too compromising.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women AreNeat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author BobPhillips)

You have a lot of vision, drive, and ambition. As a natural-born leader, you tend to gravitate toward more responsibility and leadership roles. People appreciate and admire how productive you are in life and how determined you can be. Learning to channel that drive and determination into the right areas will be a good challenge for you. Here are some specific areas you can improve in:

You tend to come across as the “bull in the china shop.” In your quest to get things accomplished, you often roll over the top of people who, in your opinion, move too slowly, react too slowly, and make decisions too slowly. One area that you need to work on for improvement is tact. You can be blunt and to the point, coming across as abrasive.

Your innate tendencies make it pretty tough for you to just sit down and relax, as you are always filling your time with another project that needs to get done (whether at work or at home). While it is probably too much to ask for you to “relax”, maybe you can at least consider letting other people relax instead of expecting them to perform at your level. Your militant style at work and at home can add a lot of stress to others. Let the kids have fun and relax. Let your employees and coworkers sit down for five minutes and catch their breath.

While you certainly don’t need a lot of praise and affirmation, you forget that other people may, especially Amiables. Make a conscious effort to give positive feedback to people you live with and work with as they are often left feeling like they don’t meet up to your expectations.

Learn how to say “I was wrong” and “I am sorry.” You have a lot of pride you are working against.  You have a very difficult time admitting you could ever be wrong and it makes you look like a “know-it-all.” Even if you are absolutely sure of what you are talking about, practice saying, “I could be wrong, but I though….” It will allow you to show some humility, which is not your strongest trait.      

You need to work on tolerance as well. You have a very short fuse for perceived incompetence. You need to learn to exercise more patience with people and circumstances. Try to show some compassion and sensitivity to others. Because you are not a sensitive person, you forget that others may be and you need to learn to show some sympathy and kindness in this area.

Take input from others and don’t always assume you have the best answer. Ask people what they think and encourage others to join in conversations. Be aware that you tend to dominate conversations while Amiables and Analyticals will get shut out because they won’t fight for the floor. As a natural leader, you need to take the lead in yielding the floor in conversations and asking other people what they think about the subject.

Lastly, you need to work on your sarcasm. You can be very cutting, especially in conflict. You become unfeeling, cold, and extremely sarcastic to the point of being caustic at times. This would be an important area for you to improve if you want to have better relationships in life.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

IF YOU ARE AN ANALYTCIAL
You are a “technique specialist.” You’re very organized and careful to do things right. You’re dry but witty sense of humor is one of your strong points. You tend to be loyal to others and people really appreciate the fact that you are self-disciplined. While you have so many things going for you, there are some specific areas you could improve in.

You tend to over-analyze everything. This can make people crazy, especially Drivers and Expressives. If you want to improve in this area, once you have the facts, make a dang decision!

Your standards are often too high for people. I know this may be a stretch for you, but if you want to improve, you will need to lighten up on people a little. You will also need to lighten up in general. People often view you as unsociable and withdrawn. To put it bluntly, a “stick-in-the-mud.” Your focus is often on task completion and your Expressive and Amiable loved ones would like to spend more personal time with you.

In the midst of conflict, you tend to withdraw and avoid undesirable people and situations. Drivers and Expressives want to work through the conflict right then and there, and Amiables will feel abandoned if you withdraw. Stretch yourself to stay in the conflict situation and try to work through it constructively as you encourage others to do the same.

You tend to be more practical than romantic and your romantic counterparts may not feel that you show enough passion in your life. Here is an area you can improve in by showing more passion and romance.

You come across as a little too serious at times. Loosen up and have some fun! Yes, there are times when focus and seriousness are necessary, but you can take this too far at times. If you live with or work with an Expressive, this is a specific area of contention for them. Expressives always want to have fun and live spontaneously, so if you want to adapt to get along better with them, this would be an area you could work on.

Another area you can focus on is being too critical and negative. Your tendency is to think through all of the details and everything that “could go wrong” so you can make proper contingency plans. That’s not a bad thing, but how you approach it or present it can be viewed as negative. You can be perceived as “raining on parades.” Try taking a more positive approach to bringing up potential problems or issues that you see, especially when someone comes to you excited about an idea.

Try not to stress over the imperfections. Not everyone will perform to your level of standards and you often think that “if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.” Learning to accept less than perfect in others and yourself will make life a lot easier on you.


-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women AreNeat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author BobPhillips)

There is within all of us a strong desire to be right. And there is also an equally strong belief that others are wrong. The drive to be right will cause us to show up other people or put them in their place.

As communication or dialogue breaks down we no longer trust other people and their motives. We tend to judge ourselves by our motives and others by their behavior. The more I can downgrade the other person with criticism the more it helps to upgrade myself. I can justify my feelings and thoughts as right and theirs as wrong.

It is strange that the drive to be ‘right’ is so strong that people are willing to destroy marriages, loose jobs, or break up churches just to prove their case. The compulsion to sacrifice others to validate our own egos is almost frightening. It is amazing how people plot against others, persecute others, misrepresent others, or simply gossip about them.

If I no longer trust or respect you, it causes me to be very careful in what I say to you . . . or I might not say anything at all. When this happens our relationship begins to die. Silence or the treating someone as a non-person will destroy any type of bond.

The corresponding action of the other party is to become, apathetic or cynical. They could also respond with envy, competitiveness, or hostility. Both parties then begin to feel the impending death of the relationship.

The destruction of a relationship will occur unless one individual becomes courageous enough to address issues truthfully. Speaking truth is sometimes dangerous. You could be attacked, criticized, ignored, misrepresented, or made fun of. On the other hand, truth spoken gracefully can restore, heal, and renew relationships.

There is something very liberating about speaking the truth. It releases pent up emotions, it is invigorating, and we gain back our self-respect for not sharing what we believed about the relationship.

There is never a duel with the truth. The truth always wins, and we are not afraid of it. The truth is no coward. The truth does not need the law. The truth does not need the forces of government. The truth is imperishable, eternal, and immortal and needs no human agency to support it. --Dudley Field Malone

Truth is tough. It will not break, like a bubble, at a touch, nay, you may kick it about all day like a football, and it will be round and full at evening. --Oliver Wendell Holmes

The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is. -Winston Churchill

You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. -John 9:32

When we take the initiative to speak the truth, in love, we then experience an inner PEACE. We can be at harmony with ourselves, others, and with God. A truthful and honest person becomes more and more THANKFUL for everything in life. It also helps them to become more ACCEPTING of others and difficult situations in life. The end result is an amazing flow of HAPPINESS with life in general.

So, where are you in this process?  Do you think that your problems are the result of gender differences?  Or that maybe your difficulties are the consequence of your social style or the different social style of others?  

Have you been thinking that you’re right and others are wrong?  Are you willing to destroy relationships to justify your actions and beliefs?  Have you been experiencing a loss of trust in someone that has developed into a lack of respect for them?  Has a root of bitterness sprung up and produced the fruit of hatred?

Have you been filled with anger and fear which produce depression and anxiety?  How long do you want it to continue?  Do you want to carry a broken relationship with you to the grave?  Are you tired of all the negative feelings you have been holding inside?  Is it time for you to deal honestly with truth?

It has been said that people only change when they hurt enough to change. Have you come to that point in life?  Then take the courage to stick your neck out. Take the initiative. Stop waiting for others to solve your dilemmas. You will feel better about yourself, and you might even turn danger into opportunity.     

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.  -Eleanor Roosevelt

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

The wall of silence between Cory and Megan had been growing for months. No longer did they have fiery outbursts or heated arguments. Those had stopped weeks ago. Now, there was only the growing chill of indifference.

Cory no longer said goodbye. He just quietly headed for the door and went to work. Megan knew he was walking out but pretended not to notice. Both of them felt hurt and angry at the other. Cory thought, “All I am is a paycheck. She doesn’t appreciate how hard I work.”  Megan would choke back the tears and think, “He doesn’t even know I exist. He hasn’t talked to me for days. How can I live with someone who doesn’t love me.”

Cory and Megan were experiencing a crisis in their communication. This crisis did not arise because of gender differences. It didn’t even occur because they had different social styles. It came about because they are part of the human race. There are emotional forces within all of us that complicate honest dialogue with others.

Communication or dialogue can be either positive or negative. There are, as John F. Kennedy suggested, events that could be considered dangerous and bring disaster. But within those same events there is also an opportunity for change, growth, and security.

It has been said, “that a problem well stated is a problem half solved.”  Let’s for a moment look at the forces that cause a communication crisis. In the case of Cory and Megan, there were a series of events that brought about the silence in their relationship.

It doesn’t matter as much what the individual event was . . . as much as what surrounded the event and the behaviors that the event triggered. The event could be:

- Forgetting to do something for the other person.
- Speaking a harsh word.
- Being late for dinner.
- Not mowing the lawn.
- Spending too much money.
- Not disciplining the children.
- Fill in your own event ___________________.

Surrounding the actual event are thoughts. They could include part or all of the following:

- BELIEFS—They could be rational or irrational
- ASSUMPTIONS—They could be reasonable or unreasonable
- NEEDS—They could be valid or invalid
- ATTITUDES—They could be good (positive) or bad (negative)
- EXPECTATIONS—They could be logical or illogical
- DEMANDS—They could be fair or unfair
- PERCEPTIONS—They could be accurate or inaccurate
 
Our thoughts about events (good or bad) cause us to begin to act in behaviors that are dangerous to good communication health. Or those thoughts could cause us to grow and establish healthy dialogue.

When we respond in a negative way, the feeling of HURT emerges. It is followed by DISAPPOINTMENT. That disappointment can give rise to ANGER or FEAR. Out of our Anger grows FRUSTRATION, RESENTMENT, and DEPRESSION. Out of our fear grows, CONCERN, WORRY, and ANXIETY.

When I become angry with you or fearful of you it gives rise to a LACK OF TRUST. If I can’t trust you, I then begin to LOOSE RESPECT for you. Once I loose respect for you, I begin to RESENT you. Resentment can then grow into BITTERNESS and it can even develop into HATRED. If Cory and Megan repeat the process over and over again it can develop into a habit or life style.

Take a look at the chart on the following page. It demonstrates the influence of thinking on emotions. Notice the many factors that play into events and help form our perception of an event. The result is our emotions that surface as a result of our perceptions.



-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

Regardless of which social style you are or which social style you are communicating with, you should improve your listening skills. Active listening means you are actively trying to understand what the other person is attempting to communicate. It means you are an active part of the process. When the other person truly feels heard, you know you have engaged in active listening. If you want to be an active listener, you need to practice these skills:  

1. Play Back What You Heard Them Say to You: Be sure that you are both on the same page and understanding the issue at hand. This will let the person know that you are interested in approaching the topic of their concern. It will also help you to clarify in your own mind the focus of the discussion.

2. Endeavor to Ask Open-Ended Questions:    
“How do you think the issues should be handled?”
“Is there an issue that you think we need to discuss now?”
“What can I do to help resolve this problem?”
“What type of information can I help to supply you with?”
“Could you share with me your thinking about this subject?”

3. Ask for Clarification: If you think the person has shared something that is incorrect or inaccurate, you need to clarify. Try not to challenge their statement in a threatening or sarcastic manner. Attempt to speak with an impartial tone of voice.

Clarify Critical Issues — A Dozen Questions

    1. What do you want from me?
    2. How would you like to see things change?
    3. What are your needs or desires?
    4. How do you see me contributing?
    5. What are your expectations?
    6. How can I help in this matter?
    7. What would you like to see done?
    8. How would you like to see the future look?
    9. What would you like me to do differently?
    10. Is there a way I could change to help the situation?
    11. What advise would you give me?
    12. What can I do to make an amends?

4. Make Statements rather than Asking
Questions: If the conversation becomes stressful, attempt to make more statements than asking questions. Under a tense situation questions can come across like Heat-Seeking Missiles attempting to pinpoint blame:

“Who gave you permission to go through my things?”

—Or Better—

 “It looks like you have gone through my personal mail.”

5. Maintain Eye Contact: This will send the message that you want the person to keep talking or explaining their thoughts. This will help encourage the speaker to open up and hopefully be honest with you. People usually do not trust and are suspicious of those who do not look at them when communicating.

6. Listen with your body:  It is helpful to nod your head at appropriate comments. It conveys that you understand. Try not to cross your arms or legs and lean back. Putting you hands behind your head can come across as being smug. Lean slightly forward as a sign of interest.


7. Use encouraging words: Certain phrases help to create a more open communication.
“No kidding.”
“How interesting.”
“I’m happy to hear that.”
“Good!”
“Great!”
“I see.”
“I understand.”
“This sounds exciting. Tell me more.”
“I’d be interested to hear what you have to say about this.”
“Could you share your point of view with me.”

8. Try to stay away from Loaded Questions:  A “why” question has the tendency to sound accusatory. It can make people defensive.

“Why do you feel so angry?”  

—Or Better—

“Tell me about your feelings over this matter.”

9. Don’t be afraid of silence:  There may be times when there seems to be an awkward silence in the conversation. Many people think that they must fill this void by saying something. Resist that urge. The silence gives the other person time to gather their thoughts or come up with new information. If the listener speaks too soon they may miss a very important bit of information.

10. Control Your Internal and External Responses: Don’t get defensive if someone is communicating a frustration with you that involves you or your behavior. Don’t tell yourself that you are being attacked. Instead, listen objectively and don’t try to solve the problem while you are listening—just make the person feel heard.

11. Actually Listen: Silence your mind and your thoughts and concentrate on what is being said. Don’t formulate your response while the person is talking to you. Try to resist interrupting or interjecting and don’t finish the sentences of others.

12.  Make Notes of the Discussion: This will often cause the speaker to open up. This technique helps you to (1) remember key facts, (2) it carries the message that you are interested, and (3) it gives you something to do during awkward silences that sometimes occur.

If you want to improve your listening skills, you need to invest some time in the process (see the dedicated chapter on listening skills). It’s like any other skill you develop in life: when you practice it often enough and do it well, you master it. Make a commitment today to become a better listener and then people won’t have to keep asking you, “Can you hear me now!?”

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

- It can provide you with the facts and information you may need.
- It lets the other person know that that you are interested and concerned about what they are saying.
- It allows you time to decide if the person you are talking with comes from the mindset of an Analytical, Amiable, Driver, or Expressive.
- It gives agitated and angry people an opportunity to vent their feelings and feel like they have been heard.
- It exposes errors in facts or misunderstandings that need to be corrected or restated with greater clarity.
- It offers a polite respect to overbearing or hostile people. They may come across with anger but you do not need to respond in the same way.
- It puts you in a position to more accurately make wise decisions and respond to the speaker with the proper words, tone, and non-verbal behavior
- It allows you the time to determine the assumptions, perceptions,  needs, expectations, attitude, and demands of the speaker. Abraham Maslow suggested a seven step evaluation of the driving  motivation behind human behavior and actions.

1. PSYSIOLOGICAL NEEDS—Like food, drink, shelter, sex, sleep, or recovery from injury or illness.

2. SAFETY NEEDS—Like protection from violence or chaos, sense of order or stability, absence of fear or anxiety, or sense of order in daily routine.

3. BELONGING AND LOVE NEEDS—Like interactions with spouse or mate, support from others during stressful times, harmonious family relationships, sense of belonging to a group, or close friendships.

4. ESTEEM NEEDS—Like respect from peers, sense of mastery or proficiency in work or daily routine, or reputation or eminence in a particular field.

5. SELF-ACTUALIZATION NEEDS—Like a sense of self-fulfillment or of using one’s capacities to their fullest.

6. KNOWLEDGE / UNDERSTANDING NEEDS—Like the cultivation of deep wisdom or understanding in a particular field or the development of a new system for explaining the world around us.

7. AESTHETIC NEEDS—Like the pursuit of beauty or the development of a satisfying artistic and creative approach.

It will be helpful if you can listen beyond words and hear the other person’s needs.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

Listening to others is not always an easy task. Not only do we need to attend to their words, tone of voice, and non-verbal behavior . . . but we have to be aware of what is happening in our own minds. We might not fully understand what others are trying to convey to us because:

- We may be in disagreement with what the other person is suggesting. They might be saying something that would cause us to become defensive. They could be selfprotective with what we are saying.

- We may have a strong urge to talk. They may be wrong or misguided and we want to set the record straight. They could be talking so much that you can’t get a word in edge wise.

- There may be the dumping too many facts and details so that we or they  become bogged down with information overload.

- They may be putting on pressure to make some type of decision or answer a difficult question that we are not emotionally ready to make. Or we could be demanding something from them causing the same result.

- We may be under the pressure of some type of deadline in our lives and the timing for the discussion is not good for us or for them.

- We may be physically or mentally fatigued and unable to listen or deal with the issue at hand. They might be too tired to process our conversation.

- They might be talking to us with a negative attitude. Or we might have negative attitude toward them.

- The conversation could end up in bedlam with both parties Interrupting each other and no one is listening. Everyone has an anxiety agenda to get their point across.

- Both parties could be bored with each other and wishing that they were somewhere else.

- Anger may rise to the surface when either party makes the other person feel like you are wasting their time.

- When impatience is expressed by either party the communication barrier grows larger.

- It is a great turn off to listening when one of the parties gives no facial expressions or verbal responses. “Hello!  Is anyone home?”

- It is irritating when either person pre-states the other individual’s point of view, pre-finishes their sentences, or rephrases and puts words in the other person’s mouth.

- It is maddening when one party contradicts what the other person is going to say before they even state their case.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)

Total communication is comprised of three basic elements. The first is the actual words that are spoken between people. The content of the words could be casual, humorous, serious, or even mean spirited. Words make up about 7% of communication. John Powel in his book Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? describes five levels of verbal communication.

Level 1—Small Talk--Superficial
    “How are you?’
    “How’s the weather where you are?”
    “Did you catch the football game last night?”

Level 2—Factual Conversation—No personal comments—Little risk
    “I bought a new four-wheel truck.”
    “Mary just had a new baby boy. His name is Jeremiah.”
    “We’re going on a vacation to Palm Springs.”

Level 3—Ideas and Opinions—No real intimacy
    “I’m tired of hearing political commercials on television.”
    “I think that abortion is wrong.”
    “I like to decorate the house using a country theme.”

Level 4—Feelings and Emotions—Freedom to express real emotions
    “I really don’t appreciate it when you come home late for dinner.”
    “I’m so mad at you that I could spit nails.”
    “I just got news that I may be laid off and I’m scared to death.”

Level 5—Deep Insight—Complete emotional and personal self-disclosure
    “I just got word that I have cancer. I don’t want to die.”
    “I have never told anyone this, but I stole some money from you.”
    “I haven’t been honest with you, but I want to start today.”
 
The second part of communication involves the tone of voice or the emphasis that is placed on the words spoken. For example:

I never said that Allison had an affair. [Someone else said it.]

I never said that Allison had an affair. [My intention was to keep it a secret.]

I never said that Allison had an affair. [I only implied it.]

I never said that Allison had an affair. [Her name was never used in my story.]

I never said that Allison had an affair. [I only said that there was a  affair—everyone must have assumed she had it.]

I never said that Allison had an affair. [I only voiced my conviction about a problem and everyone assumed it was an affair.]

Tone of voice and emphasis on words is a subtle form of conveying a message. Tone and emphasis comprises about 38% of communication.

The third and largest area of communication is made up of non-verbal behavior. This includes things like:

How People Walk --- Fast or Slow
How People Talk --- Loud or Quiet
The Individual’s Posture --- Ridged / Relaxed
Eye Contact --- Direct / Indirect
Body Gestures --- Many / Few
Reaction to Others --- Outgoing / Restrained
Response Under Stress --- Anger / Fear
People’s Facial Expressions --- Positive / Negative

This area of communication is often referred to as body language. It is the most powerful form of communication. Body language messages are believed more than tone of voice or content of words. Non-verbal behavior or actions form about 55 % of communication. It is important to listen to and attend to not only what is spoken, but how it is spoken, and to see if the non-verbal actions match the spoken words.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women AreNeat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author BobPhillips)

HELPING THE QUIET PERSON OPEN UP
There is a proverb that states, “Still water runs deep.”  If you are walking next to stream and see bubbling or frothing water it is often caused by rocks or debris close to the surface. When the water is still or smooth on the surface it can indicate deep areas of the stream.

The same concept has often been suggested about the silent or quite individual. Their seeming withdrawal from interaction may indicate that they are someone who thinks deeply or ponders over their thoughts. However, their silence is sometimes difficult to deal with. Listed below are several communication starters for the non-verbal person. To help them get in touch with their feelings and to share their thoughts, suggest that they complete the appropriate sentence.

“I have really been feeling angry about  . . . “
“I feel embarrassed to say . . . “
“I get very upset when you . . . “
“This is difficult for me to say, but . . . “
“Talking about this makes me wonder . . . “
“It is obvious that you . . . “
“I would like you to consider . . . “
“What bugs me the most is . . . “

Along with the above communication starters you may ask the following type of questions to help them get started.
“I’d love to hear about . . . “
“I’m interested in hearing more . . . “
“I’d be happy to listen concerning . . . “
“How are things with . . . “
“What do you think about . . . “

You might also try the 7 W’s to Prime the Communication Pump and bring on a flow of words.
WHERE did you go?
WHEN did it occur?
WHY was the event planned?
WHO was there?
WHAT did you talk about?
WHAT did you do?
WHAT was your reaction?

HELPING THE PERSON WHO IS ANGRY
Occasionally we all will encounter someone who is very upset or angry. Some issue or circumstance has rubbed them the wrong way and they are going to tell us about it. Their voice may be raised and they might be attacking us with harsh words.
- Try to listen carefully and attentively to what they are saying. Endeavor to discover what the main point or real issue is.
- Try not to take their outburst personal. Remaining calm and cool is very important. Don’t retaliate with your own eruption of anger.     
- Let the person get it all out of their system. Give them the opportunity to express their complete thoughts. You might ask them if there is anything else they would like to share. Be prepared. They may share more hostility.
- Try to analyze the problem and restate it for the angry person. This will indicate that you have been listening  to their concerns. Ask them if you have correctly understood their comments.
- Ask the individual what they would like from you. When you clearly understand what they want there will  mostly be three basic responses:
    - “I can help you out. I can answer your request. I will try and satisfy you.”  [YES]
    - “I’m sorry. I will not be able to answer your request. [NO]
    - “I can attempt to satisfy part of your concern or request”  [MAYBE—SOME SORT OF COMPROMISE]
    - Try to emphasize the positive things that you can do. Then be sure to carry out the things you indicated you can assist in.

As you begin to get a handle on the mindset of each social style, you can learn to relate and communicate more effectively. As you gain a deeper understanding of social style, you can start to identify some of the gender stereotypes that you have come to embrace. Once you realize that many of the differences you have attributed to gender are actually due to social style, you will begin to see improvements in how you relate to others.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips