Melissa was beginning to wonder if Ted was actually paying attention. She was so excited about her new promotion and yet he seemed indifferent. She continued with her story.

“My boss said I was a great team player and I was especially good at motivating people to get involved. He announced my promotion at an all-staff meeting and I could see Janie turning green with envy. She has been sucking up for months trying to get that promotion. Everyone sees right through her. You met her at the company Christmas party three months ago, remember?”

Unfortunately, Ted had already checked out of the conversation and was running through the list of things he had to get done at the office the next day. He suddenly sensed the awkward silence and finally spoke. “That is so great honey. I am really proud. You have worked so hard for this promotion and you certainly deserve it.”

“Have you even been listening to me?” Melissa was visibly annoyed.

“Of course I have.”

“So what I did I just say?”

“You said you got a promotion. I heard you. I am listening!”

“That’s not all I said! I was talking about Janie being jealous. Its obvious you weren’t paying attention.”

Ted was starting to get annoyed himself. “I got the gist of it. Isn’t your promotion the most important aspect of what you were talking about? Why do you have to get hung up on the little details. Just cut to the chase and give me the bottom line.”

“You know what? Just forget it. It’s obviously not important enough to you for you to listen.” Melissa stormed out of the room thinking, what a typical guy! He never listens!

Ted was left in the room thinking, what a typical woman. Blah blah blah blah! Why can’t she just get to the point?


Frequent scenarios like this feed the gender stereotype that women are great listeners and men tune you out. In the real-life situation above, as it turns out, they both stink at listening. One was an Expressive (Melissa) and the other one was a Driver (Ted). A natural ability to be a better listener comes with an Amiable or Analytical social style (at least they appear to be better listeners because they don’t talk as much or interrupt as much as Drivers and Expressives). Drivers and Expressives tend to interrupt, interject, or talk over the top of you. Even if they have learned to not do those things, they are usually still not listening—they are just waiting to talk.

When you are talking to a Driver like Ted, the first and foremost thing on their mind is “Does your train of thought have a caboose?!” Drivers do not like to engage in long and drawn out stories. Expressives are impatient when it comes to listening and they want their turn. They love stories, but they prefer to be the one telling it. Amiables listen very well and don’t want to be rude by interrupting or correcting people. They just want everyone to get along. Analyticals listen well but would prefer to not be engaged in a long conversation if they have a task that needs to be done.

Men have really been raked over the coals on this stereotype. You see it in movies, commercials and sitcoms. You hear about it in everyday conversations. Studies continue to emerge telling us why men have problems listening (of course it starts with the premise that men don’t listen).

One study asserts that men listen primarily with the left side of the brain while women listen with both sides. They go on to state that the right side of the brain attaches emotional meaning to words and that “may” be why women listen better (again, making the assumption that women actually do listen better), and “may” be causing men to tune out (making the assumption that all men tune women out). There’s just one very big problem with this: not all men have a problem listening. Some experts would assert that these men are the exception, but there are far too many exceptions out there to ignore.

Men have been portrayed as insensitive jerks who don’t listen to the needs of their sweet, tender, sensitive, emotional wives or girlfriends. Men just tune them out. Yes, there are men who don’t listen, but reality check folks: there are women who don’t listen too. It’s much more of a social style and skill development issue than a gender issue.


MEN WANT TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS AND WOMEN JUST WANT TO BE HEARD
Let’s look at another myth that is intertwined with the listening myth. The myth states that all men want to fix your problems when you talk to them and women just want to be heard.

When you share something with Drivers or Expressives, they have an instant urge to give you advice, tell you what to do, and solve the problem. This is true whether the Driver or Expressive is a male or a female. How many times have you heard someone complain about the mother-in-law always giving unwanted advice or that female friend who won’t just listen but insists on trying to solve the problem? It happens all the time. It is not a gender issue here, it’s a social style issue. Analyticals and Amiables are better about not pushing their thoughts and opinions on others. Drivers and Expressives need to work on it.


THE MYTH
Men want to fix everything and solve your problems when you talk to them and women just want to be heard

THE TRUTH
Drivers and Expressives feel the need to give you their advice and opinions. Analyticals and Amiables are better at just listening to you.


SURVEY SAYS
In our survey, we asked people to select “true” or “false” after reading the following statement: “I am often accused of being a poor listener.” More men than women said they were accused of being poor listeners. Once again, if we left the research at that, we could confirm that women are better listeners than men. Instead, we have to dig deeper into social style again to discover the real truth.

Drivers and Expressives do not listen as well as Amiables and Analyticals. More Drivers and Expressives filled out the survey than Amiables or Analyticals. Additionally, there were more male Drivers and Expressives than female who filled out the survey. The respondents who said they had difficulty listening were mostly Drivers and Expressives. An interesting piece of data that came out of the survey was this: of the respondents who said they were not poor listeners but emerged as a Driver or an Expressive were all over the age of fifty. Interesting. Is it possible that as people mature and learn better skills, they can become better listeners even if it doesn’t come naturally for them? I think so.


See the chart below for a summary of the different social styles when it comes to communication.
 
Communication Tendencies of the Four Social Styles

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)