Lie #5: Women are Romantic and Men are Practical
Mushy. That’s how many women are portrayed when it comes to love or romance. Every woman loves to get flowers. Every woman loves touchy-feely cards. Every woman aches to be taken out to a candle-lit dinner and then a sunset walk along a sandy beach. Every woman wants her man to have a hot bubble bath waiting for her when she comes home. That’s how women are portrayed.
Men, on the other hand, are just downright practical. They don’t go for all that romance stuff and merely go through the motions because they know that’s what women want and if they do all the romance stuff it means they will get to have more sex. That’s how men are depicted.
There are plenty of men and women who would beg to differ with this stereotype. Many men consider themselves very romantic while plenty of women rate themselves as more practical than romantic. The tendency towards being romantic is much more of a social style issue than a gender issue.
I read an article recently about how men and women view romance. College students were asked what their favorite romantic movies were. The number one answer for both men and women was Sleepless in Seattle. But their second choice differed: the men chose Princess Bride and the women chose While You Were Sleeping. The article went on to say that men and women viewed romance differently, but by their movie choices, they didn’t seem too far apart in this particular example. One respondent commented that “Most girls dream of these romantic situations, the kind that end happily.”
Do women honestly think that men dream about relationship situations that don’t end happy? Men don’t wake up thinking, “You know, I think I will get myself into a relationship situation that ends miserably. That sounds great!”
Men and women both want cohesive relationships. However, the amount of romance that is desired or the amount of relational interaction will vary based on the social style of the person, not the gender.
Some experts even insist that men are actually more romantic than women. One expert asserts that the psychological data places men ahead of women in the romance area. One reason is attributed to the visual nature of men which allegedly causes them to fall in love faster. This expert reports that more men remarry and men are more dependent on their girlfriends or wives because they have fewer close friends than women and men are not as close to their family members.
Another expert conducted a telephone survey on 1,000 Americans. It was discovered that 56% of the men felt romantic on vacations while only 46% of the women did. If we left it at the gender issue on both of the previous cases, we might draw an inaccurate conclusion that men are more romantic than women.
In another interesting study, a Kansas State Professor discovered that men actually like romantic movies more than they often admit or more than people might assume they do. The stereotype that is placed on men often causes men to put on the macho front lest people may think they are sissies.
Another fun survey was conducted asking men what types of Valentine’s Day cards they preferred to receive. Would they prefer sexy/naughty, comedic, or romantic. Based on the stereotypes put forward on men in movies, sitcoms, and the media, you would think that the men would have overwhelming picked sexy/naughty with comedic coming in close second and romantic scraping the bottom.
SURPRISE! Only 10% of the men said they would want a sexy/naughty card. 34% of the men said they would prefer a comedic card and 35% said they would prefer receiving a romantic card. I don’t know what the remaining 21% said, but they were probably Analyticals who said “Don’t get me a card at all—it’s a waste of money.”
I would love to break all of these studies down by social style and see how men and women respond based on their innate social style.
SURVEY SAYS
In our survey, we asked people to indicate whether they were more practical or more romantic. More women than men said they were romantic over practical. Doesn’t that confirm the stereotype? Well it would if we left it at that. Once we examine the social style of the respondents, we see that the more romantic types are the relationship-oriented people and the more practical types are the task-oriented people.
Expressives and Amiables tend to consider themselves more romantic than Drivers and Analyticals do. There were more male Expressives than females that filled out the survey, but there were more female Amiables than male. Overall, there were more female relationship-oriented social styles filling out the survey than male relationship-oriented social styles.
The vast majority of Expressives and Amiables chose romance over practicality, regardless of their gender. The majority of Analyticals and Drivers chose practicality over romance, including the women.
HOW TO SHOW LOVE TO DRIVERS
Drivers are very practical in nature. In fact, they lean towards the cynical side at times when it comes to mushy romance. If things get too emotional, they get uncomfortable. They are not super touchy-feely and prefer you do practical things for them. They are task-oriented, so getting stuff done is high on their list. If you want to show a Driver you care, do what you said you would do, when you said you would do it, how you said it would be done. Follow through on your commitments and be dependable. Take a look at the chart below for a list of things that Drivers value.
HOW TO SHOW LOVE TO EXPRESSIVES
The Expressive loves the fun, exotic, and romantic. They are adventurous and spontaneous. These are not the practical social styles. They want to enjoy life, love, and relationships and if that means being frivolous, then so be it. Expressives love physical touch and contact and that is a great way to show them romance. They also appreciate gifts and surprises. Being the center of attention is fun for them, so parties are always a hit with an Expressive. Take a look at the chart below for a list of things that Expressives value.
HOW TO SHOW LOVE TO ANALYTICALS
The Analytical is very practical. They like having a sense of security and they are concerned about spending money wisely. Buying impractical gifts or being frivolous with an Analytical is not necessary. They are task-oriented like the Driver and appreciate it when you get things done. They also appreciate gifts that are practical (something they can really use). Take a look at the chart below for a list of things that Analyticals value.
HOW TO SHOW LOVE TO AMIABLES
The Amiable prefers romance but is not as vocal about it as an Expressive. Amiables are relationship-oriented, but they are shy and avoid conflict. As a result, they don’t always tell their significant other what they would really like because they don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. They love kind words of appreciation and sincerity. Amiables want to spend quality time with the people they love. Take a look at the chart below for a list of things that Amiables value.
As you can see, not all women are “cuddle bunnies," and not all men shirk affection. Romance comes wrapped in a very different package for each social style. Unfortunately, we tend to show others love and romance in the way we prefer it be shown to us. But if I am an Expressive social style who loves risk, excitement, and adventure, that may not go over well with an Amiable who prefers safe, calm, and quiet. We need to “Do unto others as they would have us do unto them.”
This requires learning the social style of those we care about. It’s very simple and once you get the hang of it, you can identify social style simply by observing behavior. Be sure to look at Appendix A to determine your own social style and the social style of your significant other. Because of secondary social styles, you may find that your Analytical spouse is a little more romantic than the average Analytical. Or you may find that as an Expressive, you aren’t as romantic as most Expressives. What’s important is learning what your partner likes, wants and needs, and then adapting to meet each other’s needs. When you do this, you will find yourself in a much happier relationship.
The best way to find out what your significant other really likes when it comes to romance is to ask. Have him/her write down a list of things that would communicate love and romance. You will probably find it is quite different from you, and not because of gender, but based on social style.
-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)
Men, on the other hand, are just downright practical. They don’t go for all that romance stuff and merely go through the motions because they know that’s what women want and if they do all the romance stuff it means they will get to have more sex. That’s how men are depicted.
There are plenty of men and women who would beg to differ with this stereotype. Many men consider themselves very romantic while plenty of women rate themselves as more practical than romantic. The tendency towards being romantic is much more of a social style issue than a gender issue.
I read an article recently about how men and women view romance. College students were asked what their favorite romantic movies were. The number one answer for both men and women was Sleepless in Seattle. But their second choice differed: the men chose Princess Bride and the women chose While You Were Sleeping. The article went on to say that men and women viewed romance differently, but by their movie choices, they didn’t seem too far apart in this particular example. One respondent commented that “Most girls dream of these romantic situations, the kind that end happily.”
Do women honestly think that men dream about relationship situations that don’t end happy? Men don’t wake up thinking, “You know, I think I will get myself into a relationship situation that ends miserably. That sounds great!”
Men and women both want cohesive relationships. However, the amount of romance that is desired or the amount of relational interaction will vary based on the social style of the person, not the gender.
Some experts even insist that men are actually more romantic than women. One expert asserts that the psychological data places men ahead of women in the romance area. One reason is attributed to the visual nature of men which allegedly causes them to fall in love faster. This expert reports that more men remarry and men are more dependent on their girlfriends or wives because they have fewer close friends than women and men are not as close to their family members.
Another expert conducted a telephone survey on 1,000 Americans. It was discovered that 56% of the men felt romantic on vacations while only 46% of the women did. If we left it at the gender issue on both of the previous cases, we might draw an inaccurate conclusion that men are more romantic than women.
In another interesting study, a Kansas State Professor discovered that men actually like romantic movies more than they often admit or more than people might assume they do. The stereotype that is placed on men often causes men to put on the macho front lest people may think they are sissies.
Another fun survey was conducted asking men what types of Valentine’s Day cards they preferred to receive. Would they prefer sexy/naughty, comedic, or romantic. Based on the stereotypes put forward on men in movies, sitcoms, and the media, you would think that the men would have overwhelming picked sexy/naughty with comedic coming in close second and romantic scraping the bottom.
SURPRISE! Only 10% of the men said they would want a sexy/naughty card. 34% of the men said they would prefer a comedic card and 35% said they would prefer receiving a romantic card. I don’t know what the remaining 21% said, but they were probably Analyticals who said “Don’t get me a card at all—it’s a waste of money.”
I would love to break all of these studies down by social style and see how men and women respond based on their innate social style.
SURVEY SAYS
In our survey, we asked people to indicate whether they were more practical or more romantic. More women than men said they were romantic over practical. Doesn’t that confirm the stereotype? Well it would if we left it at that. Once we examine the social style of the respondents, we see that the more romantic types are the relationship-oriented people and the more practical types are the task-oriented people.
Expressives and Amiables tend to consider themselves more romantic than Drivers and Analyticals do. There were more male Expressives than females that filled out the survey, but there were more female Amiables than male. Overall, there were more female relationship-oriented social styles filling out the survey than male relationship-oriented social styles.
The vast majority of Expressives and Amiables chose romance over practicality, regardless of their gender. The majority of Analyticals and Drivers chose practicality over romance, including the women.
HOW TO SHOW LOVE TO DRIVERS
Drivers are very practical in nature. In fact, they lean towards the cynical side at times when it comes to mushy romance. If things get too emotional, they get uncomfortable. They are not super touchy-feely and prefer you do practical things for them. They are task-oriented, so getting stuff done is high on their list. If you want to show a Driver you care, do what you said you would do, when you said you would do it, how you said it would be done. Follow through on your commitments and be dependable. Take a look at the chart below for a list of things that Drivers value.
HOW TO SHOW LOVE TO EXPRESSIVES
The Expressive loves the fun, exotic, and romantic. They are adventurous and spontaneous. These are not the practical social styles. They want to enjoy life, love, and relationships and if that means being frivolous, then so be it. Expressives love physical touch and contact and that is a great way to show them romance. They also appreciate gifts and surprises. Being the center of attention is fun for them, so parties are always a hit with an Expressive. Take a look at the chart below for a list of things that Expressives value.
HOW TO SHOW LOVE TO ANALYTICALS
The Analytical is very practical. They like having a sense of security and they are concerned about spending money wisely. Buying impractical gifts or being frivolous with an Analytical is not necessary. They are task-oriented like the Driver and appreciate it when you get things done. They also appreciate gifts that are practical (something they can really use). Take a look at the chart below for a list of things that Analyticals value.
HOW TO SHOW LOVE TO AMIABLES
The Amiable prefers romance but is not as vocal about it as an Expressive. Amiables are relationship-oriented, but they are shy and avoid conflict. As a result, they don’t always tell their significant other what they would really like because they don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. They love kind words of appreciation and sincerity. Amiables want to spend quality time with the people they love. Take a look at the chart below for a list of things that Amiables value.
As you can see, not all women are “cuddle bunnies," and not all men shirk affection. Romance comes wrapped in a very different package for each social style. Unfortunately, we tend to show others love and romance in the way we prefer it be shown to us. But if I am an Expressive social style who loves risk, excitement, and adventure, that may not go over well with an Amiable who prefers safe, calm, and quiet. We need to “Do unto others as they would have us do unto them.”
This requires learning the social style of those we care about. It’s very simple and once you get the hang of it, you can identify social style simply by observing behavior. Be sure to look at Appendix A to determine your own social style and the social style of your significant other. Because of secondary social styles, you may find that your Analytical spouse is a little more romantic than the average Analytical. Or you may find that as an Expressive, you aren’t as romantic as most Expressives. What’s important is learning what your partner likes, wants and needs, and then adapting to meet each other’s needs. When you do this, you will find yourself in a much happier relationship.
The best way to find out what your significant other really likes when it comes to romance is to ask. Have him/her write down a list of things that would communicate love and romance. You will probably find it is quite different from you, and not because of gender, but based on social style.
-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)
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