Lie #6: Men Retreat in Conflict and Women Advance
Some of the experts tell us that men retreat in conflict because they are task-oriented and get overwhelmed by relationship issues. Then they tell us that women advance in conflict because they are so relationship-oriented and need to solve the problems right away. These gender stereotypes are just not true.
How you respond to conflict is based more on your social style than your gender. When the pressures of interpersonal conflict arise, we tend to abandon our positive traits and resort to our negative ones as we attempt to deal with the conflict. We become more extreme and rigid and less flexible as we move into nonnegotiable stances. As a result, our interaction with others becomes counterproductive. There are four basic responses to conflict and each style responds differently:
1. Withdraw
2. Control
3. Give In
4. Attack
These responses manifest themselves when you feel someone has put your back against the wall and is pushing your buttons. Additionally, you have a hierarchy of the four responses to conflict and you will start with your primary and work your way down the list until you find something that works. Each social style has a different hierarchy of responses that will be explained below.
HOW THE DRIVER RESPONDS TO CONFLICT
The first response of a Driver in conflict is to take control. If they feel they are losing control, they tend to over-control to try to compensate. Drivers will become cold, unfeeling and sarcastic. If they are mad enough, they will take a “my way or the highway” approach.
A good example of this is seen in the movie Crimson Tide with Gene Hackman and Denzel Washington. Gene Hackman plays the Captain Frank Ramsey, commander of the nuclear submarine U.S.S. Alabama. Denzel Washington plays the second in command, Lieutenant Commander Ron Hunter. The management and conflict styles of the two differ greatly. Ramsey is the Driver. As they begin to conflict on ideas, he makes comments like, “We are here to preserve democracy, not to practice it!” As the conflict gets even more heated, at one point he yells “Mister Hunter, I've made a decision. I'm captain of this ship, now shut the *bleep*up!”
Drivers become unbending, unyielding and demanding in conflict. They don’t like to admit they are wrong either. They have a hard time saying “I am sorry” and they need to work on this. They also need to learn how to say “I could be wrong.” That would go a long way in reducing conflict.
As you can see, the Driver’s first response to conflict is to control. If that doesn’t solve the conflict or relieve the tension, Drivers will likely withdraw from the situation. If that doesn’t solve the conflict, they may attack those they blame for the problem. The last resort for a Driver is to give in (which you won’t see very often).
If you’re in conflict with a Driver, don’t try to debate with them. They make great lawyers. They appreciate people who stand firm in their positions without trying to force them to change theirs. Don’t escalate the conflict by telling a Driver what to do—they don’t like being bossed around (that’s their job). Try not to take them too personally as they can come across as pretty cold and unfeeling when angry.
HOW THE ANALYTICAL RESPONDS TO CONFLICT
The Analytical becomes inflexible and nit-picky when it comes to conflict. They tend to avoid, dodge, escape, or retreat from uncomfortable situations. Driver's tend to control conflict; Analyticals tend to withdraw from it.
In the movie Pay it Forward, Helen Hunt plays Arlene, an alcoholic, single mom working two jobs to support her son. Kevin Spacey plays Mr. Simonet, a schoolteacher who begins dating Arlene.
Mr. Simonet is a very cautious Analytical who doesn’t like to take risks. He has everything in order in his life and likes things just the way he has them. When conflict presents itself in the relationship, Mr. Simonet withdrawals. Arlene confronts him at one point in the relationship, insisting that he is trying to push her away or run away. As the conflict escalates, he withdraws. At another point in the movie Arlene’s ex shows up, posing a threat to the dating relationship between Arlene and Mr. Simonet. Instead of staying and fighting for what he wants, Mr. Simonet attempts to avoid the conflict by withdrawing.
The first response of the Analytical in conflict is to withdraw. If that doesn’t work, they will likely try to dominate. If that doesn’t solve the conflict, they will give in to end the conflict. The last thing you will see an Analytical do is attack.
If you’re in conflict with an Analytical, don’t raise your voice or become demonstrative as this will cause them to withdraw. Speak softly and calmly and give them time to think through the issues. Sometimes they need to take a break from the conflict to analyze the issues and ensure they are handling it in a way that will not cause them to lose face.
HOW THE EXPRESSIVE RESPONDS TO CONFLICT
The Expressive becomes loud and obnoxious when dealing with intense personal conflict. They tend to emotionally attack others and their ideas, using condemnations and put-downs to discredit them. They have strong emotions and will tell people how they feel about things.
A great example is Tom Cruise in the movie A Few Good Men. He plays the young and Expressive Lt. Daniel Kaffee who is an attorney for the U.S. Navy. Demi Moore plays his co-counsel Lt. Commander JoAnne Galloway. There is tension between them the first time they meet, and it continues as they attempt to defend two young marines who are charged with murder.
At one point during the trial, one of the key witnesses commits suicide and the case is beginning to look pretty bleak. JoAnne suggests to Daniel that they put Colonel Jessup (played by Jack Nicholson) on the stand and compel him to testify which could implicate the colonel in the case and exonerate the two marines. However, if the colonel didn’t crack on the stand, the attorneys could face legal charges for falsely accusing someone of that rank.
The conflict escalates as JoAnne tries to make her case. She pushes Danny to put Jessup on the stand and get the confession from him. Getting more and more frustrated, Daniel resorts to the Expressive “back-against-the-wall” behavior and unloads on her:
“Oh! We get it from him. No problem. We just get it from him!”
Then he turns as if he is talking to the Colonel on the stand and continues his rampage.
“Colonel Jessup isn’t it true that you ordered the code red on Santiago?” Then he makes a loud buzzer sound and continues.
“I’m sorry, your time’s run out! What do we have for the losers Judge? Well for our defendants it’s a lifetime at exotic Fort Leavenworth and for defense counsel Kaffee… that’s right, it’s a court-martial! Yes, Johnny, after falsely accusing a highly decorated marine officer of conspiracy and perjury, LT Kaffee will have a long and prosperous career teaching typewriter maintenance at the Rocko Clubbo School for Women! Thank you for playing! Should we or should we not follow the advice of the galacticly stupid!?!”
This is a perfect example of an Expressive outburst when in the midst of some serious conflict. They have a tendency to lose their temper and say things they end up having to apologize for.
In the midst of conflict, the first response of the Expressive is to attack. If that doesn’t work, they will give in to end the conflict. A great example of this is in the movie Happy Gilmore. Adam Sandler plays Happy Gilmore. At the beginning of the movie his girlfriend breaks up with him while telling him he’s going nowhere and she does not want to end up with a loser.
He responds by yelling, “You’re a lousy kindergarten teacher. I’ve seen those finger paintings you bring home and they suck!”
His girlfriend continues to leave so he tries a different approach. “I’m sorry. I didn't mean that. They're excellent finger paintings. Please don't go.”
It’s a great example of how an Expressive can explode and then try to fix it. If giving in doesn’t work, they will try to dominate. The last thing you will see an Expressive do is withdraw.
If you find yourself in conflict with an Expressive, be prepared for a passionate exchange. Let them vent without becoming emotionally involved or getting defensive. They will eventually calm down if you don’t feed the anger. Try repeating back to them what you’re hearing instead of trying to address each and every point. Also, be sure not to internalize the passion or anger of an Expressive. Sometimes when they are venting about issues and people that have nothing to do with you, it may feel like you are being yelled at. Again, it’s just their venting style. Take a step back and just listen if you can.
HOW THE AMIABLE RESPONDS TO CONFLICT
Amiables dislike any type of conflict so much that they will give in to avoid the confrontation. They do not feel the conflict is worth it. They would rather save the relationship, even if it hurts them. Amiables appear to be in agreement on the outside, but may be resentful on the inside. They don’t want people to dislike them and they don’t want to make waves, so it’s easier to just give in. As a result, Amiables will often end up with some pent up anger that doesn’t get expressed because they hate conflict.
A great example of this is Adam Sandler in the movie Anger Management. He plays Dave Buznik, an Amiable executive who has a hard time letting people know what he really thinks. His boss takes advantage of his kind disposition by taking credit for his work and walking all over him. Throughout the movie Dave encounters absolutely rude people who need someone to stand up to them, but he generally gives in to avoid the conflict. As a result, he ends up with repressed anger that comes out in the form of verbal attacks (and even a rampage with a golft club in his boss's office). If an Amiable lets conflict fester long enough, they will eventually stop giving in and attack instead.
The first response of the Amiable is to give in. If that doesn’t ease the tension or end the conflict, they will attack. If that doesn’t work, they will withdraw in an effort to not have to deal with it. The last thing you will see an Amiable do is attempt to dominate.
If you are in conflict with an Amiable, you might notice that it ends quickly as they attempt to keep the peace. This doesn’t make the issue go away though. You need to coax them to share their opinions and provide a safe environment for them to do so. Speak softly and calmly and reassure them you really do want to hear how they feel about the issue.
Also, listen carefully to the subtleties with Amiables. If an Amiable very delicately offers something like, “Do you think your friend might be upset with you because of how you responded to his input?” What they are really trying to say but can’t because they are Amiable, is this: “You were a complete jerk to your friend and that’s why he’s upset with you. Why don’t you take responsibility and go apologize?” Don’t just listen to what is being said by an Amiable, listen to what is not being said as well.
SURVEY SAYS
In the survey we conducted, we asked people how they responded to conflict. More men than women indicated advancing behaviors, while more women indicated withdrawing behaviors. As stated earlier, more male Drivers and Expressives filled out the survey than female Drivers and Expressives, so this would make sense. Drivers and Expressives tend to advance in conflict while Amiables and Analyticals tend to withdraw more.
-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)
How you respond to conflict is based more on your social style than your gender. When the pressures of interpersonal conflict arise, we tend to abandon our positive traits and resort to our negative ones as we attempt to deal with the conflict. We become more extreme and rigid and less flexible as we move into nonnegotiable stances. As a result, our interaction with others becomes counterproductive. There are four basic responses to conflict and each style responds differently:
1. Withdraw
2. Control
3. Give In
4. Attack
These responses manifest themselves when you feel someone has put your back against the wall and is pushing your buttons. Additionally, you have a hierarchy of the four responses to conflict and you will start with your primary and work your way down the list until you find something that works. Each social style has a different hierarchy of responses that will be explained below.
HOW THE DRIVER RESPONDS TO CONFLICT
The first response of a Driver in conflict is to take control. If they feel they are losing control, they tend to over-control to try to compensate. Drivers will become cold, unfeeling and sarcastic. If they are mad enough, they will take a “my way or the highway” approach.
A good example of this is seen in the movie Crimson Tide with Gene Hackman and Denzel Washington. Gene Hackman plays the Captain Frank Ramsey, commander of the nuclear submarine U.S.S. Alabama. Denzel Washington plays the second in command, Lieutenant Commander Ron Hunter. The management and conflict styles of the two differ greatly. Ramsey is the Driver. As they begin to conflict on ideas, he makes comments like, “We are here to preserve democracy, not to practice it!” As the conflict gets even more heated, at one point he yells “Mister Hunter, I've made a decision. I'm captain of this ship, now shut the *bleep*up!”
Drivers become unbending, unyielding and demanding in conflict. They don’t like to admit they are wrong either. They have a hard time saying “I am sorry” and they need to work on this. They also need to learn how to say “I could be wrong.” That would go a long way in reducing conflict.
As you can see, the Driver’s first response to conflict is to control. If that doesn’t solve the conflict or relieve the tension, Drivers will likely withdraw from the situation. If that doesn’t solve the conflict, they may attack those they blame for the problem. The last resort for a Driver is to give in (which you won’t see very often).
If you’re in conflict with a Driver, don’t try to debate with them. They make great lawyers. They appreciate people who stand firm in their positions without trying to force them to change theirs. Don’t escalate the conflict by telling a Driver what to do—they don’t like being bossed around (that’s their job). Try not to take them too personally as they can come across as pretty cold and unfeeling when angry.
HOW THE ANALYTICAL RESPONDS TO CONFLICT
The Analytical becomes inflexible and nit-picky when it comes to conflict. They tend to avoid, dodge, escape, or retreat from uncomfortable situations. Driver's tend to control conflict; Analyticals tend to withdraw from it.
In the movie Pay it Forward, Helen Hunt plays Arlene, an alcoholic, single mom working two jobs to support her son. Kevin Spacey plays Mr. Simonet, a schoolteacher who begins dating Arlene.
Mr. Simonet is a very cautious Analytical who doesn’t like to take risks. He has everything in order in his life and likes things just the way he has them. When conflict presents itself in the relationship, Mr. Simonet withdrawals. Arlene confronts him at one point in the relationship, insisting that he is trying to push her away or run away. As the conflict escalates, he withdraws. At another point in the movie Arlene’s ex shows up, posing a threat to the dating relationship between Arlene and Mr. Simonet. Instead of staying and fighting for what he wants, Mr. Simonet attempts to avoid the conflict by withdrawing.
The first response of the Analytical in conflict is to withdraw. If that doesn’t work, they will likely try to dominate. If that doesn’t solve the conflict, they will give in to end the conflict. The last thing you will see an Analytical do is attack.
If you’re in conflict with an Analytical, don’t raise your voice or become demonstrative as this will cause them to withdraw. Speak softly and calmly and give them time to think through the issues. Sometimes they need to take a break from the conflict to analyze the issues and ensure they are handling it in a way that will not cause them to lose face.
HOW THE EXPRESSIVE RESPONDS TO CONFLICT
The Expressive becomes loud and obnoxious when dealing with intense personal conflict. They tend to emotionally attack others and their ideas, using condemnations and put-downs to discredit them. They have strong emotions and will tell people how they feel about things.
A great example is Tom Cruise in the movie A Few Good Men. He plays the young and Expressive Lt. Daniel Kaffee who is an attorney for the U.S. Navy. Demi Moore plays his co-counsel Lt. Commander JoAnne Galloway. There is tension between them the first time they meet, and it continues as they attempt to defend two young marines who are charged with murder.
At one point during the trial, one of the key witnesses commits suicide and the case is beginning to look pretty bleak. JoAnne suggests to Daniel that they put Colonel Jessup (played by Jack Nicholson) on the stand and compel him to testify which could implicate the colonel in the case and exonerate the two marines. However, if the colonel didn’t crack on the stand, the attorneys could face legal charges for falsely accusing someone of that rank.
The conflict escalates as JoAnne tries to make her case. She pushes Danny to put Jessup on the stand and get the confession from him. Getting more and more frustrated, Daniel resorts to the Expressive “back-against-the-wall” behavior and unloads on her:
“Oh! We get it from him. No problem. We just get it from him!”
Then he turns as if he is talking to the Colonel on the stand and continues his rampage.
“Colonel Jessup isn’t it true that you ordered the code red on Santiago?” Then he makes a loud buzzer sound and continues.
“I’m sorry, your time’s run out! What do we have for the losers Judge? Well for our defendants it’s a lifetime at exotic Fort Leavenworth and for defense counsel Kaffee… that’s right, it’s a court-martial! Yes, Johnny, after falsely accusing a highly decorated marine officer of conspiracy and perjury, LT Kaffee will have a long and prosperous career teaching typewriter maintenance at the Rocko Clubbo School for Women! Thank you for playing! Should we or should we not follow the advice of the galacticly stupid!?!”
This is a perfect example of an Expressive outburst when in the midst of some serious conflict. They have a tendency to lose their temper and say things they end up having to apologize for.
In the midst of conflict, the first response of the Expressive is to attack. If that doesn’t work, they will give in to end the conflict. A great example of this is in the movie Happy Gilmore. Adam Sandler plays Happy Gilmore. At the beginning of the movie his girlfriend breaks up with him while telling him he’s going nowhere and she does not want to end up with a loser.
He responds by yelling, “You’re a lousy kindergarten teacher. I’ve seen those finger paintings you bring home and they suck!”
His girlfriend continues to leave so he tries a different approach. “I’m sorry. I didn't mean that. They're excellent finger paintings. Please don't go.”
It’s a great example of how an Expressive can explode and then try to fix it. If giving in doesn’t work, they will try to dominate. The last thing you will see an Expressive do is withdraw.
If you find yourself in conflict with an Expressive, be prepared for a passionate exchange. Let them vent without becoming emotionally involved or getting defensive. They will eventually calm down if you don’t feed the anger. Try repeating back to them what you’re hearing instead of trying to address each and every point. Also, be sure not to internalize the passion or anger of an Expressive. Sometimes when they are venting about issues and people that have nothing to do with you, it may feel like you are being yelled at. Again, it’s just their venting style. Take a step back and just listen if you can.
HOW THE AMIABLE RESPONDS TO CONFLICT
Amiables dislike any type of conflict so much that they will give in to avoid the confrontation. They do not feel the conflict is worth it. They would rather save the relationship, even if it hurts them. Amiables appear to be in agreement on the outside, but may be resentful on the inside. They don’t want people to dislike them and they don’t want to make waves, so it’s easier to just give in. As a result, Amiables will often end up with some pent up anger that doesn’t get expressed because they hate conflict.
A great example of this is Adam Sandler in the movie Anger Management. He plays Dave Buznik, an Amiable executive who has a hard time letting people know what he really thinks. His boss takes advantage of his kind disposition by taking credit for his work and walking all over him. Throughout the movie Dave encounters absolutely rude people who need someone to stand up to them, but he generally gives in to avoid the conflict. As a result, he ends up with repressed anger that comes out in the form of verbal attacks (and even a rampage with a golft club in his boss's office). If an Amiable lets conflict fester long enough, they will eventually stop giving in and attack instead.
The first response of the Amiable is to give in. If that doesn’t ease the tension or end the conflict, they will attack. If that doesn’t work, they will withdraw in an effort to not have to deal with it. The last thing you will see an Amiable do is attempt to dominate.
If you are in conflict with an Amiable, you might notice that it ends quickly as they attempt to keep the peace. This doesn’t make the issue go away though. You need to coax them to share their opinions and provide a safe environment for them to do so. Speak softly and calmly and reassure them you really do want to hear how they feel about the issue.
Also, listen carefully to the subtleties with Amiables. If an Amiable very delicately offers something like, “Do you think your friend might be upset with you because of how you responded to his input?” What they are really trying to say but can’t because they are Amiable, is this: “You were a complete jerk to your friend and that’s why he’s upset with you. Why don’t you take responsibility and go apologize?” Don’t just listen to what is being said by an Amiable, listen to what is not being said as well.
SURVEY SAYS
In the survey we conducted, we asked people how they responded to conflict. More men than women indicated advancing behaviors, while more women indicated withdrawing behaviors. As stated earlier, more male Drivers and Expressives filled out the survey than female Drivers and Expressives, so this would make sense. Drivers and Expressives tend to advance in conflict while Amiables and Analyticals tend to withdraw more.
-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)
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