There are countless depictions of men who are driven to achieve, to accomplish, to conquer. On the other end of the spectrum, women are depicted as striving for more relationships and better relationships. Even if a woman is portrayed in a working environment, she is still tagged with the innate need for relationship over accomplishment which some experts try to use to explain why men still dominate more managerial positions that women. The argument is that women are just not task-oriented enough because their focus is settled too narrowly on relationships.

This stereotype carries over into the home as well. Many experts insist that when a man comes home from work, he is still focused on task, not relationship. Women are portrayed as pacing near the front door, just waiting for him to get home so she can engage in her much needed relationship communication. If she’s a stay-at-home mom, she gets her daytime fix from her friends and community groups. If she’s a career woman, that fix comes from her co-workers who she will innately attempt to “bond” with. Her need for relationship does not stop at the end of the day however. When her man comes home, she still needs to share every detail of her day with him because her main focus and need in life centers on relationships. Or so the stereotype would have you believe.

There are plenty of women out there right now reading this who probably want to vomit. There are equally as many men who are scratching their heads wondering what’s wrong with them if the need for accomplishment doesn’t drive their every decision. This is a stereotype that just doesn’t fit, and it needs some dispelling.


THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER
The truth is, having an innate drive towards accomplishment or relationship is not about gender, it’s about social style. It’s the difference between being task-oriented or relationship-oriented. The task-oriented person is much more focused on getting things accomplished than the relationship-oriented person.

Drivers are task-oriented and extraverted in nature. They are born to achieve and gravitate towards leadership positions and constant accomplishment. It doesn’t matter if it is a male or a female—Drivers are the most prone to become workaholics. They want to accomplish things quickly so they can move on to the next task. They prefer speed over accuracy and are not great with the details. They are determined to follow through on their goals and are the most productive people on the face of the earth. Drivers become restless at work and at home if they don’t feel productive.

Analyticals are also task-oriented over relationship-oriented, but they are not as ambitious as Drivers. They prefer accuracy over speed and are great with the details. Whether at work or at home, they will find projects to accomplish and take great pride in the quality of their work. Female Analyticals are just as task-focused as their male counterparts.

Amiables need relationships much more than they need accomplishments. They are not prone to ambition and often need encouragement in setting goals. They focus a great deal of their time on building positive relationships and minimizing any conflict in their lives. Male Amiables are just as concerned with the feelings of others as female Amiables.

Expressives can be ambitious but they don’t always follow through on projects or large goals for accomplishment. They are much more relationship-oriented and want to have fun in life. Socializing is much more important to an Expressive than accomplishment. A male Expressive can be just as relationship driven as a female, showing an inconsistency in the stereotype.


SURVEY SAYS
In the survey I conducted and have referenced throughout the book, respondents were asked to answer true or false to the following statement: You are often accused of being too independent (“you don’t need anyone!”). The responses did not follow the typical gender stereotype. Instead, most Drivers and Analyticals responded “true”, while most Amiables and Expressives responded “false.”

Respondents were also asked to select the answer that best applied to them between the two choices within this statement: “My focus and tendency tends to be more towards: building relationships or completing tasks.” Drivers and Analyticals mostly selected “completing tasks” while Amiables and Expressives mostly selected “building relationships,” including the males who were identified as Amiables or Expressives. 



-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)