The gender stereotype tells us that women are emotional and men are tough. Men don’t cry or wear their hearts on their sleeves. Men are tough as nails and don’t feel the emotions that women feel. The myth goes on to claim that women are thin-skinned and very emotional. They don’t have a problem crying at the drop of a dime, and they always wear their hearts on their sleeves. The truth is, Amiables and Expressives tend to be freer to share their emotions while Drivers and Analyticals tend to be less emotionally expressive.


THE HORMONE FACTOR
Before I go any further on this topic, I do want to address one issue that affects this gender stereotype: hormones. When a woman has PMS, is going through menopause, or is experiencing hormonal fluctuations in pregnancy, she may be much more prone to tears and feelings of emotion that she would not normally experience.

A Driver or Analytical woman is normally not an emotional creature. She doesn’t cry easily and tends to look at things in a very matter-of-fact manner. However, if she is dealing with a hormonal issue, she may find herself more emotional than usual. But setting aside hormones, an Amiable or Expressive is normally more apt to feel and share emotions, a Driver and Analytical is not.


EMOTIONAL VERSUS SENSITIVE
Women have been tagged with the stereotype of being sensitive which has been used in both positive and negative connotations.

Being emotional and being sensitive are two different things. Amiables and Expressives don’t mind showing their emotions, and Amiables can be overly sensitive when it comes to their feelings. Expressives on the other hand, can be insensitive like the Driver. Analyticals can also be overly sensitive like Amiables.


SURVEY SAYS
In my survey, I asked people if they were more likely to be accused of being too sensitive or too insensitive. According to gender stereotypes, more men than women should have responded that they are accused of being insensitive. Conversely, more women than men should have responded that they were more likely to be accused of being too sensitive.

The survey results fell in line with the gender stereotype. More men than women said they were more like to be accused of being too insensitive and more women than men said they were more likely to be accused of being too sensitive. So if we left it at that, one might conclude that our research solidifies the gender stereotype. Not so fast. When we break it down further and cross reference social style, we can begin to understand and interpret the responses more accurately.

The more insensitive social styles are the Drivers and Expressives. The more sensitive social styles are the Amiables and the Analyticals. Of the men who responded to the survey, the vast majority who said they were more insensitive were Drivers and Expressives. The vast majority of men who responded by saying they were more likely to be accused of being too sensitive were Amiables and Analyticals. This pattern proved to be true for the female respondents as well.

There were more male Driver and Expressive respondents than female Amiable and Analytical respondents. This would account for more men stating that they were more likely to be accused of being too insensitive. When we remove the gender of the respondents, the survey results show that Drivers and Expressives tend to be more insensitive while Amiables and Analyticals tend to be more sensitive.

When you stop examining behavior based on gender and instead look at social style, the patterns of behavior begin to make more sense. General sensitivity is not a gender issue as much as it is a social style issue.


THE CULTURAL FACTOR
The culture of our society reinforces an expectation for boys and men to be tough. Both fathers and mothers project this expectation in early ages as boys hear over and over “boys don’t cry,” or “toughen up,” or “don’t act like a sissy,” or “you’re acting like a little girl.” Boys learn very quickly that showing softness or emotion will only get them chastised in one form or another.

It’s not just parents either. Friends will mock boys for being too sensitive. Women expect men to be strong and tough but then want them soft and sensitive too. Is it any wonder men are so confused about this issue?

The media creates an expectation of toughness for men. The box office is filled with action-packed, hero movies where the men are tough and show very little emotion (other than anger). Video games portray the same image and continue to get more and more violent, sending a signal to boys that being mean and tough is where it’s at.

Even some of the most well intended experts and authors paint this image of men as tough and wild. Some claim that all men are born with the heart of a warrior, wanting constant risk and adventure in their lives. The more introverted and sensitive men find themselves feeling less like men as they fall short of these expectations. They try to hide their fears and insecurities, afraid they may be “found out.” What they fail to realize is there are millions of other men out there just like them who are sensitive, emotional, tender-hearted, and they are also REAL MEN.

The cultural stereotype of male toughness is hurting our young boys who become very confused men. They don’t know how to express their emotions because it is considered socially unacceptable—at least if you want to be considered a “man’s man.”

The culture of our society reinforces a stereotype that girls are soft, sweet, and emotional. Maybe you recall the nursery rhyme:

What are little boys made of?
Snips and snails, and puppy-dogs' tails,
That's what little boys are made of.
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice, and everything nice.
That's what little girls are made of.

I heard that rhyme growing up and so did everyone I know. There are countless girls out there wondering what might be wrong with them when they don’t feel so sweet and emotional and they love playing with frogs and bugs. Society tells them they are too emotional to handle a “man’s job” and they grow up selling themselves short.

Women who don’t feel or express much emotion as adults are often chastised with names like “cold, heartless, witch.” There is a cultural expectation that women will be more sensitive and emotional while men will be more insensitive and unemotional. Helping people to understand social style at a young age would help address some of these cultural issues that are feeding gender stereotypes.


BREAKING THE CYCLE
It doesn’t take a genius to see that boys are more emotional when they are younger and desensitize as they get older. It’s also not difficult to see that some boys are more tender-hearted and sensitive than others.

Social styles can be identified at a pretty young age. The goal is to educate parents, teachers, and children that it is perfectly normal for some boys to be emotional and some to be more unemotional. We also need to make sure girls understand that it is perfectly normal for some girls to be emotional and some to be more unemotional. What’s important is getting children and adults to understand social style and where they need to improve.

-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)