IMPROVING YOUR COMMUNICATION WITH EACH SOCIAL STYLE
“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” said Mario as he slammed the door and stomped out in anger. It was not the first time that he reacted this way. It had become a pattern every time he was confronted with conflict.
Mario had been raised in a home where there was a great deal of yelling, slamming of doors, and even throwing things. From early childhood on he had not had any models of healthy conflict resolution. He did not have the opportunity to develop positive communication skills.
Carla, on the other hand, did not come from a home with a great deal of outbursts of anger or displays of temper tantrums. It was just the opposite. Everyone in her family found it easier to avoid and repress ideas and feelings.
No one would talk about issues of disagreement. They would simply drop into a world of silence like a tortoise pulling its head into its shell. Her family members would hold in their hurts, fears, and angers. Successful communication did not take place in her home either.
Our homes and our early upbringing are a training ground for either effective communication or unhealthy communication. But it doesn’t stop there. Communication skills are also learned by our interaction with friends, school mates, fellow employees in the workplace, community involvements, and even with strangers.
Communication with others is a never ending process and it is not always an easy matter. To begin with, language itself is not precise. Take for example the word ‘father.’ That one word could have a different meaning to the person speaking or to the person being spoken to.
o Loving father
o Mean father
o God our Father
o Old man
o Priest
o Founder of our country
Another factor of communication is that the sender of the message is more responsible for the message than the hearer. This is because the person who is speaking knows what they are meaning . . . or knows their motivation for speaking. This is not always clear to the person spoken to.
There is also the tendency to come across as attacking an individual rather than attacking an issue. It is common for people to take any disagreement with their ideas as a personal attack against them as a person. Just because you may not be in alignment with a person’s ideas or conclusions does not mean that you don’t like them as a person. This separation is difficult for many people to make.
In talking to others it is also important to use “I” words and phrases rather than “You” words or phrases. You words can come across as a frontal assault or attack.
o “You never . . . “
o “You always . . .”
o “Every time you . . . “
o “You can’t . . . “
o “You don’t . . . “
David Augsburger in his book entitled When Caring Is Not Enough lists 20 Dirty Fighting Strategies that people use when trying to get their way. These strategies destroy true communication and cause turmoil in relationships regardless of the social style or gender of the parties.
STRATEGY EXPLANATION
1. Timing Catch them off guard rather than choose a good time
2. Turf Pick your best turf rather than choose a neutral place.
3. Anxiety Step up the anxiety rather than set a caring atmosphere.
4. Fogging Filibuster, fog and fume instead of communicating equally.
5. Mystifying Ramble, chain react, confuse rather than be clear and honest.
6. Generalizing Universalize and exaggerate instead of simplify and focus.
7. Analyze Intellectualize, theorize, advise instead of admitting pain.
8. Gunnysacking Save up grievances rather than deal with here and now.
9. Neutrality Be silent, superior, detached rather than open and present.
10. Temper Hide anger then ventilate rage rather than clear anger.
11. Blaming Find who is at fault rather than practice no-fault fights.
12. Righteousness Find who is right instead of finding what’s right.
13. Exit Walk out, clam up, shut off instead of working through.
14. Questioning Use clever or concealed questions instead of statements.
15. Triangling Pit people against people instead of dealing firsthand.
16. Put-downs Use sarcasm, jibes, digs rather than share humor.
17. Undermining Undermine self-esteem rather than enrich self-respect.
18. Guilt Play either judge or martyr to hook guilt not responsibility.
19. Mind Reading Read or rape the other’s mind rather than listen, wait, learn.
20. Delaying Ignore, forget, postpone rather than honor commitments.
On the other hand, successful communication begins with the use of “I” words. “I” phrases are more honest, assertive, and less likely to come across as an attack to the individual.
“I am disappointed . . . “
“I am angry about . . . ”
“I don’t care for . . . ”
“I am hurt over . . . ”
“I would like to see . . . “
COMMUNICATING WITH THE ANALYTICAL SOCIAL STYLE:
- Provide lots of facts
- Give an organized presentation
- Use logical persuasion and thinking
- Talk softly
- Talk slowly
- Be specific
- Stress the quality of the relationship you would like to have
- Allow time for questions
- Validate their own thoughts on the subject
- Stay away from exaggeration
- Don’t push them to make a decision or share feelings until they are ready
- Don’t fight with them or have an extended argument
COMMUNICATING WITH THE DRIVER SOCIAL STYLE
- Get to the point
- Let them stay in control
- Stay businesslike
- Make your presentation quickly
- Be brief
- Show confidence
- Ask their opinion
- It will be a mistake to try and overpower them with words
- Stay away from chit-chat and small talk
- Try not to belabor your points
- Don’t pressure them because it could escalate the conflict
- Going off on tangents will not be appreciated
- Try not to argue with them because argument is their strong suit
COMMUNICATING WITH THE AMIABLE SOCIAL STYLE
- Show kindness
- Be friendly
- Make them feel valued
- Display patience
- Treat them gently
- Listen to them
- Empathize with their concerns
- Stay relaxed and don’t get uptight
- Smile
- Speak Softly
- Do not put down their opinions
- Stay away from sarcasm
- Try not to rush them
COMMUNICATING WITH THE EXPRESSIVE SOCIAL STYLE
- Socialize with them
- Joke around with them
- Be informal
- Make a colorful or vivid presentation
- Talk with excitement
- Ask about their personal life
- Ask about their interests
- Talk with a rapid pace
- Being too serious will not be helpful
- Don’t bore them with details
- Try not to be stuffy or overly rule oriented
- Talk about how you would like to see the relationship in the future
-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips
Mario had been raised in a home where there was a great deal of yelling, slamming of doors, and even throwing things. From early childhood on he had not had any models of healthy conflict resolution. He did not have the opportunity to develop positive communication skills.
Carla, on the other hand, did not come from a home with a great deal of outbursts of anger or displays of temper tantrums. It was just the opposite. Everyone in her family found it easier to avoid and repress ideas and feelings.
No one would talk about issues of disagreement. They would simply drop into a world of silence like a tortoise pulling its head into its shell. Her family members would hold in their hurts, fears, and angers. Successful communication did not take place in her home either.
Our homes and our early upbringing are a training ground for either effective communication or unhealthy communication. But it doesn’t stop there. Communication skills are also learned by our interaction with friends, school mates, fellow employees in the workplace, community involvements, and even with strangers.
Communication with others is a never ending process and it is not always an easy matter. To begin with, language itself is not precise. Take for example the word ‘father.’ That one word could have a different meaning to the person speaking or to the person being spoken to.
o Loving father
o Mean father
o God our Father
o Old man
o Priest
o Founder of our country
Another factor of communication is that the sender of the message is more responsible for the message than the hearer. This is because the person who is speaking knows what they are meaning . . . or knows their motivation for speaking. This is not always clear to the person spoken to.
There is also the tendency to come across as attacking an individual rather than attacking an issue. It is common for people to take any disagreement with their ideas as a personal attack against them as a person. Just because you may not be in alignment with a person’s ideas or conclusions does not mean that you don’t like them as a person. This separation is difficult for many people to make.
In talking to others it is also important to use “I” words and phrases rather than “You” words or phrases. You words can come across as a frontal assault or attack.
o “You never . . . “
o “You always . . .”
o “Every time you . . . “
o “You can’t . . . “
o “You don’t . . . “
David Augsburger in his book entitled When Caring Is Not Enough lists 20 Dirty Fighting Strategies that people use when trying to get their way. These strategies destroy true communication and cause turmoil in relationships regardless of the social style or gender of the parties.
STRATEGY EXPLANATION
1. Timing Catch them off guard rather than choose a good time
2. Turf Pick your best turf rather than choose a neutral place.
3. Anxiety Step up the anxiety rather than set a caring atmosphere.
4. Fogging Filibuster, fog and fume instead of communicating equally.
5. Mystifying Ramble, chain react, confuse rather than be clear and honest.
6. Generalizing Universalize and exaggerate instead of simplify and focus.
7. Analyze Intellectualize, theorize, advise instead of admitting pain.
8. Gunnysacking Save up grievances rather than deal with here and now.
9. Neutrality Be silent, superior, detached rather than open and present.
10. Temper Hide anger then ventilate rage rather than clear anger.
11. Blaming Find who is at fault rather than practice no-fault fights.
12. Righteousness Find who is right instead of finding what’s right.
13. Exit Walk out, clam up, shut off instead of working through.
14. Questioning Use clever or concealed questions instead of statements.
15. Triangling Pit people against people instead of dealing firsthand.
16. Put-downs Use sarcasm, jibes, digs rather than share humor.
17. Undermining Undermine self-esteem rather than enrich self-respect.
18. Guilt Play either judge or martyr to hook guilt not responsibility.
19. Mind Reading Read or rape the other’s mind rather than listen, wait, learn.
20. Delaying Ignore, forget, postpone rather than honor commitments.
On the other hand, successful communication begins with the use of “I” words. “I” phrases are more honest, assertive, and less likely to come across as an attack to the individual.
“I am disappointed . . . “
“I am angry about . . . ”
“I don’t care for . . . ”
“I am hurt over . . . ”
“I would like to see . . . “
COMMUNICATING WITH THE ANALYTICAL SOCIAL STYLE:
- Provide lots of facts
- Give an organized presentation
- Use logical persuasion and thinking
- Talk softly
- Talk slowly
- Be specific
- Stress the quality of the relationship you would like to have
- Allow time for questions
- Validate their own thoughts on the subject
- Stay away from exaggeration
- Don’t push them to make a decision or share feelings until they are ready
- Don’t fight with them or have an extended argument
COMMUNICATING WITH THE DRIVER SOCIAL STYLE
- Get to the point
- Let them stay in control
- Stay businesslike
- Make your presentation quickly
- Be brief
- Show confidence
- Ask their opinion
- It will be a mistake to try and overpower them with words
- Stay away from chit-chat and small talk
- Try not to belabor your points
- Don’t pressure them because it could escalate the conflict
- Going off on tangents will not be appreciated
- Try not to argue with them because argument is their strong suit
COMMUNICATING WITH THE AMIABLE SOCIAL STYLE
- Show kindness
- Be friendly
- Make them feel valued
- Display patience
- Treat them gently
- Listen to them
- Empathize with their concerns
- Stay relaxed and don’t get uptight
- Smile
- Speak Softly
- Do not put down their opinions
- Stay away from sarcasm
- Try not to rush them
COMMUNICATING WITH THE EXPRESSIVE SOCIAL STYLE
- Socialize with them
- Joke around with them
- Be informal
- Make a colorful or vivid presentation
- Talk with excitement
- Ask about their personal life
- Ask about their interests
- Talk with a rapid pace
- Being too serious will not be helpful
- Don’t bore them with details
- Try not to be stuffy or overly rule oriented
- Talk about how you would like to see the relationship in the future
-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips
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