Listening to Improve Relationships Regardless of Gender or Social Style
Total communication is comprised of three basic elements. The first is the actual words that are spoken between people. The content of the words could be casual, humorous, serious, or even mean spirited. Words make up about 7% of communication. John Powel in his book Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? describes five levels of verbal communication.
Level 1—Small Talk--Superficial
“How are you?’
“How’s the weather where you are?”
“Did you catch the football game last night?”
Level 2—Factual Conversation—No personal comments—Little risk
“I bought a new four-wheel truck.”
“Mary just had a new baby boy. His name is Jeremiah.”
“We’re going on a vacation to Palm Springs.”
Level 3—Ideas and Opinions—No real intimacy
“I’m tired of hearing political commercials on television.”
“I think that abortion is wrong.”
“I like to decorate the house using a country theme.”
Level 4—Feelings and Emotions—Freedom to express real emotions
“I really don’t appreciate it when you come home late for dinner.”
“I’m so mad at you that I could spit nails.”
“I just got news that I may be laid off and I’m scared to death.”
Level 5—Deep Insight—Complete emotional and personal self-disclosure
“I just got word that I have cancer. I don’t want to die.”
“I have never told anyone this, but I stole some money from you.”
“I haven’t been honest with you, but I want to start today.”
The second part of communication involves the tone of voice or the emphasis that is placed on the words spoken. For example:
I never said that Allison had an affair. [Someone else said it.]
I never said that Allison had an affair. [My intention was to keep it a secret.]
I never said that Allison had an affair. [I only implied it.]
I never said that Allison had an affair. [Her name was never used in my story.]
I never said that Allison had an affair. [I only said that there was a affair—everyone must have assumed she had it.]
I never said that Allison had an affair. [I only voiced my conviction about a problem and everyone assumed it was an affair.]
Tone of voice and emphasis on words is a subtle form of conveying a message. Tone and emphasis comprises about 38% of communication.
The third and largest area of communication is made up of non-verbal behavior. This includes things like:
How People Walk --- Fast or Slow
How People Talk --- Loud or Quiet
The Individual’s Posture --- Ridged / Relaxed
Eye Contact --- Direct / Indirect
Body Gestures --- Many / Few
Reaction to Others --- Outgoing / Restrained
Response Under Stress --- Anger / Fear
People’s Facial Expressions --- Positive / Negative
This area of communication is often referred to as body language. It is the most powerful form of communication. Body language messages are believed more than tone of voice or content of words. Non-verbal behavior or actions form about 55 % of communication. It is important to listen to and attend to not only what is spoken, but how it is spoken, and to see if the non-verbal actions match the spoken words.
-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women AreNeat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author BobPhillips)
Level 1—Small Talk--Superficial
“How are you?’
“How’s the weather where you are?”
“Did you catch the football game last night?”
Level 2—Factual Conversation—No personal comments—Little risk
“I bought a new four-wheel truck.”
“Mary just had a new baby boy. His name is Jeremiah.”
“We’re going on a vacation to Palm Springs.”
Level 3—Ideas and Opinions—No real intimacy
“I’m tired of hearing political commercials on television.”
“I think that abortion is wrong.”
“I like to decorate the house using a country theme.”
Level 4—Feelings and Emotions—Freedom to express real emotions
“I really don’t appreciate it when you come home late for dinner.”
“I’m so mad at you that I could spit nails.”
“I just got news that I may be laid off and I’m scared to death.”
Level 5—Deep Insight—Complete emotional and personal self-disclosure
“I just got word that I have cancer. I don’t want to die.”
“I have never told anyone this, but I stole some money from you.”
“I haven’t been honest with you, but I want to start today.”
The second part of communication involves the tone of voice or the emphasis that is placed on the words spoken. For example:
I never said that Allison had an affair. [Someone else said it.]
I never said that Allison had an affair. [My intention was to keep it a secret.]
I never said that Allison had an affair. [I only implied it.]
I never said that Allison had an affair. [Her name was never used in my story.]
I never said that Allison had an affair. [I only said that there was a affair—everyone must have assumed she had it.]
I never said that Allison had an affair. [I only voiced my conviction about a problem and everyone assumed it was an affair.]
Tone of voice and emphasis on words is a subtle form of conveying a message. Tone and emphasis comprises about 38% of communication.
The third and largest area of communication is made up of non-verbal behavior. This includes things like:
How People Walk --- Fast or Slow
How People Talk --- Loud or Quiet
The Individual’s Posture --- Ridged / Relaxed
Eye Contact --- Direct / Indirect
Body Gestures --- Many / Few
Reaction to Others --- Outgoing / Restrained
Response Under Stress --- Anger / Fear
People’s Facial Expressions --- Positive / Negative
This area of communication is often referred to as body language. It is the most powerful form of communication. Body language messages are believed more than tone of voice or content of words. Non-verbal behavior or actions form about 55 % of communication. It is important to listen to and attend to not only what is spoken, but how it is spoken, and to see if the non-verbal actions match the spoken words.
-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women AreNeat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author BobPhillips)
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