BUILDING A SOLID FOUNDATION FOR LISTENING
Regardless of which social style you are or which social style you are communicating with, you should improve your listening skills. Active listening means you are actively trying to understand what the other person is attempting to communicate. It means you are an active part of the process. When the other person truly feels heard, you know you have engaged in active listening. If you want to be an active listener, you need to practice these skills:
1. Play Back What You Heard Them Say to You: Be sure that you are both on the same page and understanding the issue at hand. This will let the person know that you are interested in approaching the topic of their concern. It will also help you to clarify in your own mind the focus of the discussion.
2. Endeavor to Ask Open-Ended Questions:
“How do you think the issues should be handled?”
“Is there an issue that you think we need to discuss now?”
“What can I do to help resolve this problem?”
“What type of information can I help to supply you with?”
“Could you share with me your thinking about this subject?”
3. Ask for Clarification: If you think the person has shared something that is incorrect or inaccurate, you need to clarify. Try not to challenge their statement in a threatening or sarcastic manner. Attempt to speak with an impartial tone of voice.
Clarify Critical Issues — A Dozen Questions
1. What do you want from me?
2. How would you like to see things change?
3. What are your needs or desires?
4. How do you see me contributing?
5. What are your expectations?
6. How can I help in this matter?
7. What would you like to see done?
8. How would you like to see the future look?
9. What would you like me to do differently?
10. Is there a way I could change to help the situation?
11. What advise would you give me?
12. What can I do to make an amends?
4. Make Statements rather than Asking
Questions: If the conversation becomes stressful, attempt to make more statements than asking questions. Under a tense situation questions can come across like Heat-Seeking Missiles attempting to pinpoint blame:
“Who gave you permission to go through my things?”
—Or Better—
“It looks like you have gone through my personal mail.”
5. Maintain Eye Contact: This will send the message that you want the person to keep talking or explaining their thoughts. This will help encourage the speaker to open up and hopefully be honest with you. People usually do not trust and are suspicious of those who do not look at them when communicating.
6. Listen with your body: It is helpful to nod your head at appropriate comments. It conveys that you understand. Try not to cross your arms or legs and lean back. Putting you hands behind your head can come across as being smug. Lean slightly forward as a sign of interest.
7. Use encouraging words: Certain phrases help to create a more open communication.
“No kidding.”
“How interesting.”
“I’m happy to hear that.”
“Good!”
“Great!”
“I see.”
“I understand.”
“This sounds exciting. Tell me more.”
“I’d be interested to hear what you have to say about this.”
“Could you share your point of view with me.”
8. Try to stay away from Loaded Questions: A “why” question has the tendency to sound accusatory. It can make people defensive.
“Why do you feel so angry?”
—Or Better—
“Tell me about your feelings over this matter.”
9. Don’t be afraid of silence: There may be times when there seems to be an awkward silence in the conversation. Many people think that they must fill this void by saying something. Resist that urge. The silence gives the other person time to gather their thoughts or come up with new information. If the listener speaks too soon they may miss a very important bit of information.
10. Control Your Internal and External Responses: Don’t get defensive if someone is communicating a frustration with you that involves you or your behavior. Don’t tell yourself that you are being attacked. Instead, listen objectively and don’t try to solve the problem while you are listening—just make the person feel heard.
11. Actually Listen: Silence your mind and your thoughts and concentrate on what is being said. Don’t formulate your response while the person is talking to you. Try to resist interrupting or interjecting and don’t finish the sentences of others.
12. Make Notes of the Discussion: This will often cause the speaker to open up. This technique helps you to (1) remember key facts, (2) it carries the message that you are interested, and (3) it gives you something to do during awkward silences that sometimes occur.
If you want to improve your listening skills, you need to invest some time in the process (see the dedicated chapter on listening skills). It’s like any other skill you develop in life: when you practice it often enough and do it well, you master it. Make a commitment today to become a better listener and then people won’t have to keep asking you, “Can you hear me now!?”
-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)
1. Play Back What You Heard Them Say to You: Be sure that you are both on the same page and understanding the issue at hand. This will let the person know that you are interested in approaching the topic of their concern. It will also help you to clarify in your own mind the focus of the discussion.
2. Endeavor to Ask Open-Ended Questions:
“How do you think the issues should be handled?”
“Is there an issue that you think we need to discuss now?”
“What can I do to help resolve this problem?”
“What type of information can I help to supply you with?”
“Could you share with me your thinking about this subject?”
3. Ask for Clarification: If you think the person has shared something that is incorrect or inaccurate, you need to clarify. Try not to challenge their statement in a threatening or sarcastic manner. Attempt to speak with an impartial tone of voice.
Clarify Critical Issues — A Dozen Questions
1. What do you want from me?
2. How would you like to see things change?
3. What are your needs or desires?
4. How do you see me contributing?
5. What are your expectations?
6. How can I help in this matter?
7. What would you like to see done?
8. How would you like to see the future look?
9. What would you like me to do differently?
10. Is there a way I could change to help the situation?
11. What advise would you give me?
12. What can I do to make an amends?
4. Make Statements rather than Asking
Questions: If the conversation becomes stressful, attempt to make more statements than asking questions. Under a tense situation questions can come across like Heat-Seeking Missiles attempting to pinpoint blame:
“Who gave you permission to go through my things?”
—Or Better—
“It looks like you have gone through my personal mail.”
5. Maintain Eye Contact: This will send the message that you want the person to keep talking or explaining their thoughts. This will help encourage the speaker to open up and hopefully be honest with you. People usually do not trust and are suspicious of those who do not look at them when communicating.
6. Listen with your body: It is helpful to nod your head at appropriate comments. It conveys that you understand. Try not to cross your arms or legs and lean back. Putting you hands behind your head can come across as being smug. Lean slightly forward as a sign of interest.
7. Use encouraging words: Certain phrases help to create a more open communication.
“No kidding.”
“How interesting.”
“I’m happy to hear that.”
“Good!”
“Great!”
“I see.”
“I understand.”
“This sounds exciting. Tell me more.”
“I’d be interested to hear what you have to say about this.”
“Could you share your point of view with me.”
8. Try to stay away from Loaded Questions: A “why” question has the tendency to sound accusatory. It can make people defensive.
“Why do you feel so angry?”
—Or Better—
“Tell me about your feelings over this matter.”
9. Don’t be afraid of silence: There may be times when there seems to be an awkward silence in the conversation. Many people think that they must fill this void by saying something. Resist that urge. The silence gives the other person time to gather their thoughts or come up with new information. If the listener speaks too soon they may miss a very important bit of information.
10. Control Your Internal and External Responses: Don’t get defensive if someone is communicating a frustration with you that involves you or your behavior. Don’t tell yourself that you are being attacked. Instead, listen objectively and don’t try to solve the problem while you are listening—just make the person feel heard.
11. Actually Listen: Silence your mind and your thoughts and concentrate on what is being said. Don’t formulate your response while the person is talking to you. Try to resist interrupting or interjecting and don’t finish the sentences of others.
12. Make Notes of the Discussion: This will often cause the speaker to open up. This technique helps you to (1) remember key facts, (2) it carries the message that you are interested, and (3) it gives you something to do during awkward silences that sometimes occur.
If you want to improve your listening skills, you need to invest some time in the process (see the dedicated chapter on listening skills). It’s like any other skill you develop in life: when you practice it often enough and do it well, you master it. Make a commitment today to become a better listener and then people won’t have to keep asking you, “Can you hear me now!?”
-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)
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