The wall of silence between Cory and Megan had been growing for months. No longer did they have fiery outbursts or heated arguments. Those had stopped weeks ago. Now, there was only the growing chill of indifference.

Cory no longer said goodbye. He just quietly headed for the door and went to work. Megan knew he was walking out but pretended not to notice. Both of them felt hurt and angry at the other. Cory thought, “All I am is a paycheck. She doesn’t appreciate how hard I work.”  Megan would choke back the tears and think, “He doesn’t even know I exist. He hasn’t talked to me for days. How can I live with someone who doesn’t love me.”

Cory and Megan were experiencing a crisis in their communication. This crisis did not arise because of gender differences. It didn’t even occur because they had different social styles. It came about because they are part of the human race. There are emotional forces within all of us that complicate honest dialogue with others.

Communication or dialogue can be either positive or negative. There are, as John F. Kennedy suggested, events that could be considered dangerous and bring disaster. But within those same events there is also an opportunity for change, growth, and security.

It has been said, “that a problem well stated is a problem half solved.”  Let’s for a moment look at the forces that cause a communication crisis. In the case of Cory and Megan, there were a series of events that brought about the silence in their relationship.

It doesn’t matter as much what the individual event was . . . as much as what surrounded the event and the behaviors that the event triggered. The event could be:

- Forgetting to do something for the other person.
- Speaking a harsh word.
- Being late for dinner.
- Not mowing the lawn.
- Spending too much money.
- Not disciplining the children.
- Fill in your own event ___________________.

Surrounding the actual event are thoughts. They could include part or all of the following:

- BELIEFS—They could be rational or irrational
- ASSUMPTIONS—They could be reasonable or unreasonable
- NEEDS—They could be valid or invalid
- ATTITUDES—They could be good (positive) or bad (negative)
- EXPECTATIONS—They could be logical or illogical
- DEMANDS—They could be fair or unfair
- PERCEPTIONS—They could be accurate or inaccurate
 
Our thoughts about events (good or bad) cause us to begin to act in behaviors that are dangerous to good communication health. Or those thoughts could cause us to grow and establish healthy dialogue.

When we respond in a negative way, the feeling of HURT emerges. It is followed by DISAPPOINTMENT. That disappointment can give rise to ANGER or FEAR. Out of our Anger grows FRUSTRATION, RESENTMENT, and DEPRESSION. Out of our fear grows, CONCERN, WORRY, and ANXIETY.

When I become angry with you or fearful of you it gives rise to a LACK OF TRUST. If I can’t trust you, I then begin to LOOSE RESPECT for you. Once I loose respect for you, I begin to RESENT you. Resentment can then grow into BITTERNESS and it can even develop into HATRED. If Cory and Megan repeat the process over and over again it can develop into a habit or life style.

Take a look at the chart on the following page. It demonstrates the influence of thinking on emotions. Notice the many factors that play into events and help form our perception of an event. The result is our emotions that surface as a result of our perceptions.



-Excerpt from Kimberly Alyn's book titled Men Are Slobs Women Are Neat... and Other Gender Lies that Damage Relationships (co-author Bob Phillips)